Missing pretzels, nerdy hip hop and x-rated fun

Last night my boyfriend Neil and I went to a hip hop show at the Orpheum. We went because Neil’s friend from "back in the day" was performing. Neil apparently knows this guy from the “old BBS days.” If you weren’t a nerd in the 80’s and 90’s and don’t know what BBSs were, let me try and fill you in. BBSs were old bulletin boards where people posted ideas, created graphics out of old dose symbols and corresponded with each other. Essentially they were the precursors of chat rooms.

Neil’s friend, who I only met as Funky 49, performs “nerd rap”.

Now, I had no idea what to expect by that, so I dressed as “hip hop” as I could after getting home from work, and hoped for the best as Neil and I headed to Y-Bor for the show. For any of you who don’t know what Y-bor is, think commercialized yet smaller French-Quarter New Orleans, if hipsters and yuppies had invaded and ruined it. That is Y-Bor in a nutshell. It was raining out when Neil and I arrived at the show, so I was dropped off in front, while Neil parked the car.

As I had mentioned, the show was being held in a little bar called “The Orpheum”, which is a small hipster bar know for its music venue as well as its notorious “sink or swim” nights. “Sink or Swim” is usually held on a Saturday night. A night of “sink or swim” usually consists of dressing up in your hottest hipster clothes, paying one fixed price (like $8.00) and drinking as many well drinks (or cheap beers) as you can in one night for free. It is always hot as hell (too many people packed in a small place while you dance your ass off) and it always ends with the act of making out with someone you either A) just met or B) will regret tomorrow. The evening usually also ends with some young emo boys -in tight pants- getting into a fist fight with each other, or me puking in front of the club.

Needless to say, I have not been to “Sink or Swim” in like four years but I do have some interesting memories there. In my younger days I befriended most of the staff who worked there. Most of the time, I got in for free and never got carded (I was old enough of course) but it was a way of saying welcome. Last night when I walked into the Orpheum it was like an old flashback. My old friends were all still working their old positions at the door and behind the bar. I was greeted with hugs and got to forgo the whole carding experience. I played chit chat for a while and caught up on everyone’s life.

It was only after I greeted everyone, that I got a chance to survey the crowd. And what a crowd it was! The age group had to range from teenagers all the way to forty year old men. Also, the mix ranged in stereotypes. The majority was your typical southern “ghetto” crowd, along with a bunch of white kid B-Boy wannabees mixed in, a handful of preppy girls all dressed in Forever 21 clothes and finally the “nerdy crowd”. I still had no idea what to expect from the music but the crowd itself could have kept me entertained for hours alone.

Neil’s friend (who was dressed like a raver from 1995, including wide leg pants and 3D viewing glasses) greeted us right away and told us that he wasn’t going on till 8:00pm. That left us almost and hour and half to find some dinner. Thank god. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to face this all on an empty stomach. Neil and I had debated getting some black bean pizza from the bar across the street, but instead decided to grab a bite at Tampa Bay Brewing Company. Tampa Bay Brewing Company is a brewery/restaurant a few blocks down from the Orpheum that has a ton of pesco-ovotarian options. Not to mention, I was DYING for their pretzel appetizer, which I have only recently discovered.

I had barely eaten all day in order to have enough weight watcher points for those delicious treats. Of course when I ordered the pretzels, the waitress informed me that “It was the only thing they were out of" and threw in an airheaded- he he- laugh to boot. I had to stop myself from throwing the menu across the room and screaming at the top of my lungs “FUCK YOU BLONDIE, I have been starving myself ALL DAY LONG for these little fuckers and you have the nerve to be out of them? You have to the count of 10 to find some, cook them to perfection and bring them to me, or else I will really lose it!” But instead I frowned a little and ordered the calamari appetizer. All in all, dinner was pretty good, other than the pretzel debacle. I ate the honey smeared salmon and Neil had a GIANT spinach, mushroom and goat cheese calzone. We also shared some yummy beer. It was almost like a real date ( which are hard to re-create one you live together)

After dinner, we went back to the Orpheum and watched the next act which came on right before Neil’s friend's performance. I personally found the performer(whose name unfortunately, I did not catch, none of the performers really introduced themselves) to be somewhat interesting and painful to watch, all at the same time.

As he performed, I tried to think of how I could describe him and the best that I could come up with was, that he was a preppier, schizophrenic, post apocalyptic Eminem. He looked just like Eminem, except he had a thin blond beard. He sounded a lot like Eminem, except he didn’t flow as smoothly and his lyrics were weaker. His songs were conspiracy theory based and anti –religious. He had one song dedicated to wanting to be a serial killer. As he rapped, he either shifted his weight from side to side in an uncomfortable wild eyed, meth-like swagger or did a weird dance which incorporated choreographed boy band dance moves from the waste down with a mosh pit head banging thing. It was weird. I felt somewhat compelled by his obvious devotion to “his music”, a little embarrassed for him and slightly entertained all the same time. His small crowd of devotees looked like they belonged at a Korn concert. They certainly seemed to adore him. One girl in particular- an extremely thin girl who was sort of pretty in a white trash sort of way- threw her hands up in the air the whole performance and sang along to every lyric ( I assumed she was his pseudo girlfriend, however, that was never verified). I clapped at the end of his performance, partly because he deserved it, and partly because I was glad that it was over.

The next act was Neil’s friend Funky 49. He took the stage with another rapper (who looked older and either Mexican or Hawaiian and burst into a wild performance. I must say they were pretty good. Their beats were a little generic, but they flowed really well and had a rock star energy about them. Funky 49 hopped around the stage while his partner in crime looked tough and stuck his tongue out (Gene Simmons style) for almost every single picture. I didn’t get the whole “nerd” part at first, it wasn't until I realized what they were singing about that it clicked into place. Even though they performed like your average rap group , it was their lyrics which made them "nerdy". One song which was about role playing games was actually pretty good I liked the descriptive lyrics. And the next song went something like this (you’ve got dial up, I’ve got broadband).

The diversified crowd of nerds and preppy Forever 21 girls went pretty wild over the act. The energy was slightly contagious as Funky jumped into the audience and high fived his loyal patrons. I thought they sounded somewhat like Cypress Hill minus the psychedelic flavor, while Neil heard a definite Beastie Boys influence. Half way through their set, my friend and music critic Julie G, showed up. I wasn’t sure how she was going to react to them, but she smiled a lot and shook her ass a little, so I think she enjoyed them. Their act ended abruptly after they ran out of music.

I was ready to go home after their act, but I wanted to spend some time with Julie and Neil was drinking, so I found a spot of the floor and sat down for a while. My back was hurting and my dinner was not digesting properly. I felt like an old person who had forced myself to stay out too late. Everywhere I looked, past memories reminded me of the younger version of myself who had spent so much time at the same bar years ago. In fact, the bartender had looked dumbfounded when I ordered just water. As the next act set up, the crowd changed to a younger “urban” group. I personally enjoyed this because I had spent another portion of my youth going to the most dangerous dirty booty-shaking bars around town. I was convinced for a few years that I was “gansta.” In fact, I was in all girl gang called the BBGs. However, that is a story for a different time.

The white nerdy kids vacated pretty quickly as the younger, more "urban" kids crowded in. The whole atmosphere of the bar seem to change around then . It suddenly seemed to come more alive and had a new pulse of excitement. Julie and I chatted for a while as Neil waited for the street fighter arcade game to become available. He also congratulated Funky 49 on a great show as he relived and relayed his old make-out days at the Orpheum to Mr. Funky(one of Neil’s claims to fame is that fact that he made out with 3 or more girls in once night).

I heard the next act come on shortly before Neil gained access to the arcade game and I suggested that Julie play him, so that I could make my way to the stage and watch the next performance. The next guy was called something “king” and reminded me of a re-incarnated version of Biggie Smalls. I thought that he was really fantastic, in a commercial “gangster” rap sort of way. He did incorporate some “dirty south” beats and styles that you can only hear west of the Mississippi. He also did a shout out to his baby’s momma (a very large and beautiful pregnant white girl with a ton of make up on and clothes that were way too tight for her). She danced the whole time and lovingly starred back at her “Big Papa” enchanted by his music. The crowd dug him as well.

His set seemed way too short and was almost over by the time I made my way back to the arcade game where I had left Julie and Neil to duel. I played one game of Street Fighter (or whatever fighting game it was) and came very close to beating Neil by simultaneously pushing every button I could, and opening a can of whoop-ass on his character. Sadly, I lost to Neil by a hair. After my fighting game ended and Biggie exited the stage, it was clear that it was finally time to go home! I said my goodbyes to Julie and took the keys from Neil. It was just starting to rain as we left the Y-Bor parking lot. Neil was tipsy and charming on the long drive home. I do enjoy him when he’s had more than three beers. That is when his true weirdo side reveals itself.

The rest of the night is x-rated and probably not suitable for persons under the age of twenty one to read, so I will refrain from providing the details. Needless to say it was a memorable night indeed.