Last week was one of the hardest weeks ever. Some how I managed to come down with the worst stomach flu in existence. I have my suspicions of where it came from (damn child's birthday party) but it doesn't really matter. What does matter is that it almost killed me. For five days straight, I puked up and pooped my brains out. I couldn't hold anything down. My doctors ordered IVs to keep me hydrated and threatened hospitalization. Things got so drastic that I was really worried I was going to die. I even asked my doctor to pray for me. It was ugly! Poor Neil came down with a milder case of the same illness. However, since I was so bad off, he had to suck it up and take care of me. I think at one point, I lost my mind completely. But thanks to my primary doctor and some serious drugs (a stomach opiate), I was able to recover.
It's so crazy that something like that can come along and sweep you off your ass. I lost out on a week of work, and had to use the PTO which I had saved; in order to use the week I have to miss during my next campath infusion. I lost out on a week of school. My house turned into a disaster zone - Poor Neil kept on top of it as much as he could, but the house was clouded with sickness. I had to cancel my camping trip :( and my stomach muscles are still bruised from throwing up so much!
So instead of camping (which I had been SO EXCITED about), I spent the entire weekend playing catch up. I didn't get to be social or do anything fun. I just cleaned like a mad person and did homework. It was sad actually.
So it is Monday. I am back at work. I feel mostly alive, which is awesome. But I still have a mountain of things I need to do just to get back in the game. I feel depressed and over whelmed. I am hoping that by the end of the week, I will be back up to speed completely, but I doubt it will leave me any energy for the weekend. And I really need some energy. I also need some fun. I have been fun deprived. And all work and no play, makes Jessica a grumpy girl.
Well that is about the extent of my existence right now. Hopefully tomorrow I will have a more uplifting blog.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Thursday, January 8, 2009
is it possible to eat too much salad?
Because that is all I ate for lunch and now my tummy is VERY upset.
I guess it doesn't help that I just confirmed the date of my next campath infusion with my doctor. The confirmation officially sealed the deal. I had really convinced myself that the idea of facing campath this year would be easier. Last year I had no idea what to expect. It was all scary, uncharted territory. But this year I know the drill. I know how horrible the experience will be, I know how awful I will feel. Just the memory makes me dread each day that brings the date closer. I try to be positive about it, I survived. It wasn't so bad. Everyday people go through things that are 400 times worse. But it doesn't seem to help me feel any better. Last year at least Kristin and I were in it together. Miserable together. But this year our infusions are scheduled almost three weeks apart and it feels scarier facing it alone.
Usually during anything medical, I just shut down. It seems to be the only way I can handle it. I remember that before I was diagnosed with MS, I used to dread the idea of getting cancer or anything which would turn me into a lab rat. I used to see people lying in hospitals with needles in them and I'd shudder and think to myself " how can they endure that?" It was my biggest fear. Of course I should have know that life has a way of throwing your biggest fears at you. Which, maybe in some ways, is a good thing.
After I got diagnosed, it was a whirlwind. MRI's, steroids, failed IV attempts, weekly injections, and unending tests. Mix that with trying to accept that my whole world has just changed , compounded by trying to balance friends and families reactions; well it just turned me into a complete zombie. I stumbled through life for the first couple of months, in a daze. I had to stop myself from crying inappropriately and laughing when nothing was funny. I barely noticed the medical professionals who helped me. I was too busy in my own head trying to figure everything out. It was weird.
These days in situations which are unpleasant, I find myself going to the same place. I guess it could call it a happy place, only it's not so happy. It is more like a safe place. It is a place, inside my head, where I am more of a spectator of my life than an actual participant. I can feels things which connect me to the situation but I find a way to turn myself off to the experience as a whole. I was never able to do that before I was diagnosed. I was never able to turn anything off.
I know that once I get into my doctor's office the first morning of the scheduled infusion, I will go to my safe place. I know I will turn on some head phones, take a deep breath, close my eyes and try not to feel the pain as the IV needle enters my arm. I know I will barely communicate to the people around me as the mixture of poison's enter my body. I know I will have a hard time explaining how I feel because I will have disconnected myself so far away from experience. I also know that as much as I will LONG for the comfort of my friends and family , i will be too exhausted and emotionally unavailable to really notice if it is there. Although I will notice if it is not there.
Meanwhile, until I reach that "safe place" I will worry and fret about the upcoming infusion. I know I shouldn't and that worrying is wasted emotion. It won't change anything, in fact, it will only make things worse. But it's so hard not to dread something so unpleasant in my immediate future.
On most normal days , I can close my eyes to the reality of my situation. I can put on a happy face and pretend like everything is okay. I can pretend that I am not that sick and the numbness that slowly spreads over my body is temporary and no big deal. I can discount all of my symptoms and lead a semi normal life. However when i am trapped in a chair, in a medical facility, with needles and tubes connected to my body and people in white coats prodding me and poking me, reality is pushes in and I am helpless. My mind screams "I AM SICK, I HAVE MS and IT SUCKS." There is no comfort, no relief. The only salvation is the emptiness of my safe place.
On a more positive note ( see how moody I am ?), I think I am finally out of my new year funk. Last night and today, I have actually felt semi motivated and I have been eating well and incorporating exercise into my day. Not to mention that today is Thursday. Although I do have a class on Saturday, so the weekend doesn't look as shiny as it once did. I reserved a camping spot for 01/24 and so far it looks like there will be 8 of us going ( I am so freaking excited). I think that if I have a free weekend in the next few months, that I would like to drive to Atlanta or even Savannah. I am really dying to go to new Orleans, but I don't think I can handle a 11 hour drive ...
hope my post wasn't too dark...
I guess it doesn't help that I just confirmed the date of my next campath infusion with my doctor. The confirmation officially sealed the deal. I had really convinced myself that the idea of facing campath this year would be easier. Last year I had no idea what to expect. It was all scary, uncharted territory. But this year I know the drill. I know how horrible the experience will be, I know how awful I will feel. Just the memory makes me dread each day that brings the date closer. I try to be positive about it, I survived. It wasn't so bad. Everyday people go through things that are 400 times worse. But it doesn't seem to help me feel any better. Last year at least Kristin and I were in it together. Miserable together. But this year our infusions are scheduled almost three weeks apart and it feels scarier facing it alone.
Usually during anything medical, I just shut down. It seems to be the only way I can handle it. I remember that before I was diagnosed with MS, I used to dread the idea of getting cancer or anything which would turn me into a lab rat. I used to see people lying in hospitals with needles in them and I'd shudder and think to myself " how can they endure that?" It was my biggest fear. Of course I should have know that life has a way of throwing your biggest fears at you. Which, maybe in some ways, is a good thing.
After I got diagnosed, it was a whirlwind. MRI's, steroids, failed IV attempts, weekly injections, and unending tests. Mix that with trying to accept that my whole world has just changed , compounded by trying to balance friends and families reactions; well it just turned me into a complete zombie. I stumbled through life for the first couple of months, in a daze. I had to stop myself from crying inappropriately and laughing when nothing was funny. I barely noticed the medical professionals who helped me. I was too busy in my own head trying to figure everything out. It was weird.
These days in situations which are unpleasant, I find myself going to the same place. I guess it could call it a happy place, only it's not so happy. It is more like a safe place. It is a place, inside my head, where I am more of a spectator of my life than an actual participant. I can feels things which connect me to the situation but I find a way to turn myself off to the experience as a whole. I was never able to do that before I was diagnosed. I was never able to turn anything off.
I know that once I get into my doctor's office the first morning of the scheduled infusion, I will go to my safe place. I know I will turn on some head phones, take a deep breath, close my eyes and try not to feel the pain as the IV needle enters my arm. I know I will barely communicate to the people around me as the mixture of poison's enter my body. I know I will have a hard time explaining how I feel because I will have disconnected myself so far away from experience. I also know that as much as I will LONG for the comfort of my friends and family , i will be too exhausted and emotionally unavailable to really notice if it is there. Although I will notice if it is not there.
Meanwhile, until I reach that "safe place" I will worry and fret about the upcoming infusion. I know I shouldn't and that worrying is wasted emotion. It won't change anything, in fact, it will only make things worse. But it's so hard not to dread something so unpleasant in my immediate future.
On most normal days , I can close my eyes to the reality of my situation. I can put on a happy face and pretend like everything is okay. I can pretend that I am not that sick and the numbness that slowly spreads over my body is temporary and no big deal. I can discount all of my symptoms and lead a semi normal life. However when i am trapped in a chair, in a medical facility, with needles and tubes connected to my body and people in white coats prodding me and poking me, reality is pushes in and I am helpless. My mind screams "I AM SICK, I HAVE MS and IT SUCKS." There is no comfort, no relief. The only salvation is the emptiness of my safe place.
On a more positive note ( see how moody I am ?), I think I am finally out of my new year funk. Last night and today, I have actually felt semi motivated and I have been eating well and incorporating exercise into my day. Not to mention that today is Thursday. Although I do have a class on Saturday, so the weekend doesn't look as shiny as it once did. I reserved a camping spot for 01/24 and so far it looks like there will be 8 of us going ( I am so freaking excited). I think that if I have a free weekend in the next few months, that I would like to drive to Atlanta or even Savannah. I am really dying to go to new Orleans, but I don't think I can handle a 11 hour drive ...
hope my post wasn't too dark...
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
my nails are crumbling one by one
The past two days have been blah days for me. I can't seem to get motivated and I have been in a rather pissy mood. Both Monday and Tuesday nights, I have fallen dead asleep at a ridiculously early hour. It is not the 2009 start I had hoped for. But that's okay. Life can't always be a bed of roses I guess.
Friday Niel and I have some couch surfers coming. We had a lovely couple from Germany come for one night last Sunday. This Friday we have three different people coming. One from Chile, One from Poland and an another one from France. In case you don't know what couch surfers are, allow me to explain. http://www.couchsurfing.com/ is a website where people who travel can find people around the world willing to host them for free and vice versa. We found the site when our friends Jessica and Andrew traveled around the Mediterranean middle east. They came back raving about couchsurfing.com; and since Neil and I have a beautiful guest room and an adventurous nature, we decided to sign up and see what it was about. So far, we have hosted twice and met some other couchsurfers out in other countries. Every experience has been rewarding and interesting. I must admit, at first I was a little leary about letting strangers into my house. However the couch surfers I have encountered have been better guests then any of my own friends. It is a great way to network and meet people internationally. There is a common respect for culture, adventure, sharing and political diversity which is refreshing in this day and age. You can choose to host or not to host based on the request and the member's profile. And of course everyone leaves feedback for one another. I must say that it is the best social networking site I have joined so far. I can't wait to be hosted the next time we travel.
I am trying to plan a camping trip for 01/17. I have only been camping once and it was a rough experience, but one I loved non the less. Unfortunately I personally have to wait for the weather to turn cooler before I can camp. The camp site I was hoping to go to is full that weekend , which means I have to pick another weekend or another camp site. The idea of getting back to nature, canoeing, and cooking over a camp fire gives me strange childlike excitement. I'd like to get a decent size group going, however I'd be happy even if it just ends up being me and Neil.
I officially start school tomorrow. I take my first intro to education class. Geeze I hope I like it. I certainly can not afford to change my major AGAIN. Not to mention I have gotten pretty excited about the idea of teaching. Although, I will technically be working for the "man", I feel like I will (in a way) be my own boss, in charge of my own class room and helping children get excited about learning. I am sure I am romanticizing it.
So it's hump day, I fell asleep last night before my coveted episode of bad girls club and hopefully the DVR recorded it , so that I have something to look forward to tonight.
going for a walk now.
Friday Niel and I have some couch surfers coming. We had a lovely couple from Germany come for one night last Sunday. This Friday we have three different people coming. One from Chile, One from Poland and an another one from France. In case you don't know what couch surfers are, allow me to explain. http://www.couchsurfing.com/ is a website where people who travel can find people around the world willing to host them for free and vice versa. We found the site when our friends Jessica and Andrew traveled around the Mediterranean middle east. They came back raving about couchsurfing.com; and since Neil and I have a beautiful guest room and an adventurous nature, we decided to sign up and see what it was about. So far, we have hosted twice and met some other couchsurfers out in other countries. Every experience has been rewarding and interesting. I must admit, at first I was a little leary about letting strangers into my house. However the couch surfers I have encountered have been better guests then any of my own friends. It is a great way to network and meet people internationally. There is a common respect for culture, adventure, sharing and political diversity which is refreshing in this day and age. You can choose to host or not to host based on the request and the member's profile. And of course everyone leaves feedback for one another. I must say that it is the best social networking site I have joined so far. I can't wait to be hosted the next time we travel.
I am trying to plan a camping trip for 01/17. I have only been camping once and it was a rough experience, but one I loved non the less. Unfortunately I personally have to wait for the weather to turn cooler before I can camp. The camp site I was hoping to go to is full that weekend , which means I have to pick another weekend or another camp site. The idea of getting back to nature, canoeing, and cooking over a camp fire gives me strange childlike excitement. I'd like to get a decent size group going, however I'd be happy even if it just ends up being me and Neil.
I officially start school tomorrow. I take my first intro to education class. Geeze I hope I like it. I certainly can not afford to change my major AGAIN. Not to mention I have gotten pretty excited about the idea of teaching. Although, I will technically be working for the "man", I feel like I will (in a way) be my own boss, in charge of my own class room and helping children get excited about learning. I am sure I am romanticizing it.
So it's hump day, I fell asleep last night before my coveted episode of bad girls club and hopefully the DVR recorded it , so that I have something to look forward to tonight.
going for a walk now.
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
post dated new years resolutions
Things are finally calming down after the new year. All the out of town guests are gone, holiday decorations are down and I start school on Thursday. The new year was extremely fun. It was awesome to be around people I have known for over half my life. Zoe came into town and sort of brought everyone together. It was drunken debauchery. However, I paid the price of partying for days.
I have been extra emotional lately. Not in bad ways per say. But over all, I feel things more deeply than I usually do. Yesterday I had an especially bad day. However , I was determined to turn the day around. When I got home, I started trying to relax and ended up slightly wasted instead. It turned out to be a good thing because Neil and I ended up having an at home dance party , spinning records and taking silly pictures in the guest room for hours. It was fun. And more importantly, I managed to turn my frown upside down. During our the makeshift party at home, I started some internal analysis and came up with some "new" New Year's resolutions.
My biggest "new" resolution is to have more fun in my life. As I get older, the idea of fun becomes more and more distant. Obligations and responsibilities become the focus and "fun" falls on the back burner. I get so caught up on what I have to do and all that I accomplish that I forget to "smell the roses". Instead of worrying about being late in the morning on the way to work, I would rather appreciate the sunrise and the beauty of the morning. Instead of wasting my evening stressing about my work day; I'd rather kick on some socks, put on a groovy record and dance my heart out. I want to incorporate things into my weekends that I enjoy like canoeing or camping. If it means I have to miss a birthday party here or a graduation there, then so be it. I love my friends and family but I just can't do everything for everyone else. I need to take some time for myself and my happiness. I think with a little work and an attitude adjustment, I can balance the two nicely.
The second resolution I made sounds juvenile, but has a deeper context. I decided I need to be less "snobby". Generally I am pretty open minded when it comes to people. I don't judge people based on color, sexual preference, social class or other common divides. I do however judge people based on silly things like personal style, political stances, astrological signs and/or religious preferences. I admit it, I am biased against Christian fundamentalists and republicans. And god forbid you have bad hair. I think I built up this "snobbery" as a defense mechanism. I am ultra sensitive, and I take disappointment very seriously. I have to have an initial filtration system. I usually decide in the first few mins in I like someone one or not. If I get good vibes, you are golden. If I get bad vibes, good luck ever getting close to me. You are pretty much doomed.
Now while I am sure this "filtration" has saved me a lot of wasted time and energy, I think maybe I am missing out on crucial pieces of the puzzle here. I will always be choosy about who I let close to me, that will never change. But I think I need to dig a little deeper before I decide who is worthy of my time and who isn't. I mean I am trying to understand that "we are all one" and that we are all connected. All people, in some way or another, are a manifestation of myself right? Therefore I should be more open minded and give people more of a chance. That is unless they meet my openness with ignorance and/or constant negativity. I need to stay away from negative energy. But I think I can remove myself without passing judgment. That is the key.
I also feel restless lately. I am bored with the complete humdrum of my life. Thank goodness for Neil, he keeps life bearable, interesting and fun. I am hoping school shakes things up a bit and makes life exciting again. I need some challenges. Good challenges that inspire me and encourage positive growth. I also think I need a visit to the physic. And maybe a witch doctor, does anyone who a person who does curse removal? I think my mother put too many curses on me as a child growing up and now I need a karma cleansing. Childhood curses are a hazard of being descended from witchy Italian women.
It is the new year people, and I don't feel any different..... yet!
I have been extra emotional lately. Not in bad ways per say. But over all, I feel things more deeply than I usually do. Yesterday I had an especially bad day. However , I was determined to turn the day around. When I got home, I started trying to relax and ended up slightly wasted instead. It turned out to be a good thing because Neil and I ended up having an at home dance party , spinning records and taking silly pictures in the guest room for hours. It was fun. And more importantly, I managed to turn my frown upside down. During our the makeshift party at home, I started some internal analysis and came up with some "new" New Year's resolutions.
My biggest "new" resolution is to have more fun in my life. As I get older, the idea of fun becomes more and more distant. Obligations and responsibilities become the focus and "fun" falls on the back burner. I get so caught up on what I have to do and all that I accomplish that I forget to "smell the roses". Instead of worrying about being late in the morning on the way to work, I would rather appreciate the sunrise and the beauty of the morning. Instead of wasting my evening stressing about my work day; I'd rather kick on some socks, put on a groovy record and dance my heart out. I want to incorporate things into my weekends that I enjoy like canoeing or camping. If it means I have to miss a birthday party here or a graduation there, then so be it. I love my friends and family but I just can't do everything for everyone else. I need to take some time for myself and my happiness. I think with a little work and an attitude adjustment, I can balance the two nicely.
The second resolution I made sounds juvenile, but has a deeper context. I decided I need to be less "snobby". Generally I am pretty open minded when it comes to people. I don't judge people based on color, sexual preference, social class or other common divides. I do however judge people based on silly things like personal style, political stances, astrological signs and/or religious preferences. I admit it, I am biased against Christian fundamentalists and republicans. And god forbid you have bad hair. I think I built up this "snobbery" as a defense mechanism. I am ultra sensitive, and I take disappointment very seriously. I have to have an initial filtration system. I usually decide in the first few mins in I like someone one or not. If I get good vibes, you are golden. If I get bad vibes, good luck ever getting close to me. You are pretty much doomed.
Now while I am sure this "filtration" has saved me a lot of wasted time and energy, I think maybe I am missing out on crucial pieces of the puzzle here. I will always be choosy about who I let close to me, that will never change. But I think I need to dig a little deeper before I decide who is worthy of my time and who isn't. I mean I am trying to understand that "we are all one" and that we are all connected. All people, in some way or another, are a manifestation of myself right? Therefore I should be more open minded and give people more of a chance. That is unless they meet my openness with ignorance and/or constant negativity. I need to stay away from negative energy. But I think I can remove myself without passing judgment. That is the key.
I also feel restless lately. I am bored with the complete humdrum of my life. Thank goodness for Neil, he keeps life bearable, interesting and fun. I am hoping school shakes things up a bit and makes life exciting again. I need some challenges. Good challenges that inspire me and encourage positive growth. I also think I need a visit to the physic. And maybe a witch doctor, does anyone who a person who does curse removal? I think my mother put too many curses on me as a child growing up and now I need a karma cleansing. Childhood curses are a hazard of being descended from witchy Italian women.
It is the new year people, and I don't feel any different..... yet!
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