sneaking back on ....

Only for a moment.

For the first time in months I actually have some down time and I miss this blog. However, I like it better when I think no-one is reading it and it is like my secret diary.

So my first semester in the education department at USF officially KICKED my ass. I am still a little shell shocked by how much work they expected us to do in eight weeks. I am not completely sure how I not only survived the semester, much less how I managed to get two A's and a B.

Right now my life is still a big bucket of flux. I just turned 32 ( happy belated birthday to me) and other then finally picking my major, I have no idea what direction my life is headed in.

I have a vague idea of what I want, but with no real game plan of how it will happen. I guess I have a strange underlying belief that it will all work itself out somehow. I have a pretty strong sense of who I am, but with no real concept of what that means.

Last night Neil and I went to see " The Hangover". It wasn't great, but it was amusing enough. Before the movie started , I ran to the restroom, while Neil nailed down some seats. As I was walking into the bathroom, I ran into a female employee whose was walking out. As I quickly glanced at face, I noticed that she was crying. Instantly, I tensed up and had to physically restrain myself from trying to comfort her. For the next ten minutes all I could do was ponder why she may have been crying. Was she a jilted lover? Did someone die? Was someone extra rude about the salty popcorn? All I could do was piece together stories in my mind.

Then I thought about two days earlier when I had cried in public.
Why you ask?
Well, about a month ago my Aunt had a very serious heart attack. She has been in critical condition ever since. I am not sure she is going to make it. I don't know how to handle the emotions this has triggered.

Sunday, Neil and I went to my favorite Italian restaurant. I have been going to this cafe since I was about six years old. It is my family's favorite place to eat. I have been there with my aunt a million times. All the wait staff knows her by name. I had not considered this when I choose the place. All I was thinking about was their DELICIOUS calamari. As soon as I entered the place, I thought of my aunt. As soon as I thought of her, I suddenly felt tears well up in my eyes as I felt a stabbing pain enter my heart. All of a sudden I REALLY missed my aunt and realized the giant hole her absence would bring to my life. At the exact same moment the waitress asked me " how is your aunt doing?" I could barely bring myself to answer with a meek "okay" before I changed the subject. One more word about my aunt and I would have been HYSTERICALLY crying. The poor confused waitress had to notice me weeping as it was.

I wonder if this waitress had been impacted by my public display of broken heart, as much as the crying movie employee had impacted me.

It's raining outside, I love the rain.. The rain drops are thick and heavy; the sky is dark. The hum of my computer makes me feel safe and cozy inside.

I think I am going to go into the living room and do a little painting. I have started a peacock painting and I am very curious as to how it will turn out.

I am not used to having free time and I am not sure quite what to do with myself honestly.

I should go to the gym and work out...

However......