Hysterical Blindness

typical day in the life of sassypants!

2009-09-16T20:13:00.000-07:00

7:00am wake up from a nightmare about dying dogs and serial killers...

7:15 stumble into living room, feed dogs, feed cat, feed fish, and water plants..strategically place pink post=its all around the house and in Neil's car, professing my love for him.

8:00am - Drop Yoshi at vet for $600 ultrasound

8:35pm come home, make Neil and I breakfast

9:00am Balance my budget, catch up on some over due emails, write long political rant about public health option on Facebook.

9:30am - start three hours of homework

12:20pm - shower and run around trying to make sure I find everything I need in order to leave the house.(phone, bluetooth, sun glasses, eye glasses, Ipod, keys, hand sanitizer, make-up, wallet, directions, misc paperwork.)

1:00pm - Leave to rush downtown and meet friend for lunch

1:25pm arrive downtown, spend 10 mins looking for a parking meter(three blocks from restaurant and it is 90 degrees outside) . Realize I only have 50 mins worth of change. curse myself for forgetting more quarters.

1:30pm arrive for lunch with friend, save friend from having nervous breakdown.

2:30pm - race to appt with lawyer, get terribly lost.

3:00 arrive at lawyer exactly on time, fill out half hour of paperwork, get call that my dog is ready, hire lawyer on the spot.

4:00 - race to target for some essentials ( printing paper, deodorant, shampoo, conditioner, etc...) get lost in Target time warp for 45 mins...

5:00pm leave target to drive across town in POURING rain and rush hour traffic to get yoshi from vet. make over due phone calls, help plan best friend's Friday night crafting party..

5:45 Pick up yoshi- only to be told that after a full day and a $600 ultra sound that they still have no idea what is wrong and we need to do a $1200 scoping. Spend 20 mins in waiting room waiting for doggy discharge.

6:05pm - arrive home, spend 30 mins speed cleaning the house.

6:35pm Greet boyfriend who is home from work. Give boyfriend some Wednesday loving.

7:10 - start more homework

7:35 make dinner - tacos

8:10pm clean up dinner, feed dogs dinner

8:30- do another 2.5 hours of homework

11:00pm - print out homework, pack book bag for tomorrow, wash face, brush teeth, put in retainer, dab on under-eye cream.

11:30pm finish blog, pray for at least 7 hours of sleep before alarm blares at 6:45am tomorrow.

night- night

peek a boo

2009-08-10T12:52:00.001-07:00

I am sitting here bored. Bored by choice as a matter of fact. I could be doing at least 10 different productive things right now, but instead I am here. Looking at this sad abandoned blog. Wondering where the instinct went that compelled me to share my boring little life with an absentee internet audience.

I hate this blog. I hate that it's here.. However, erasing this one seems wrong. Everything else I can wipe out without a single regret , but this seems more sacred than all the others. It is an empty reminder of who I was months ago. Normally, I like to forget that person, forget all those thoughts. That way I can really live in the moment. The less reminders of the past, the less compulsion to live in it. I must wipe it away in order to propel forward.

My memory is getting worse everyday. I completely forget people who have called, texted, and even wrote. As soon as I put off returning someone's call, email or text message ; the event is gone from my mind. I HATE THAT! DAMN YOU MS!!

I want to go be creative right now. I want to go paint, or sew or create something. But that seems like a luxury indulgence. I should be using my time for more practical things. Like bathing the dog, watching my Aunt slowly die, or cleaning my car. I think I am hard wired wrong. Too much catholic guilt for someone who was never REALLY catholic.

My creative side bloomed late in life. I always felt creative but creations never really manifested. But now , everything inspires me. I want to create all the time. Of course, not much is original. I copy most of what i create... but that helps my technique.

That's it. that is all I feel like writing now. But even this little blurb felt good.

sneaking back on ....

2009-07-22T12:36:00.000-07:00

Only for a moment.

For the first time in months I actually have some down time and I miss this blog. However, I like it better when I think no-one is reading it and it is like my secret diary.

So my first semester in the education department at USF officially KICKED my ass. I am still a little shell shocked by how much work they expected us to do in eight weeks. I am not completely sure how I not only survived the semester, much less how I managed to get two A's and a B.

Right now my life is still a big bucket of flux. I just turned 32 ( happy belated birthday to me) and other then finally picking my major, I have no idea what direction my life is headed in.

I have a vague idea of what I want, but with no real game plan of how it will happen. I guess I have a strange underlying belief that it will all work itself out somehow. I have a pretty strong sense of who I am, but with no real concept of what that means.

Last night Neil and I went to see " The Hangover". It wasn't great, but it was amusing enough. Before the movie started , I ran to the restroom, while Neil nailed down some seats. As I was walking into the bathroom, I ran into a female employee whose was walking out. As I quickly glanced at face, I noticed that she was crying. Instantly, I tensed up and had to physically restrain myself from trying to comfort her. For the next ten minutes all I could do was ponder why she may have been crying. Was she a jilted lover? Did someone die? Was someone extra rude about the salty popcorn? All I could do was piece together stories in my mind.

Then I thought about two days earlier when I had cried in public.
Why you ask?
Well, about a month ago my Aunt had a very serious heart attack. She has been in critical condition ever since. I am not sure she is going to make it. I don't know how to handle the emotions this has triggered.

Sunday, Neil and I went to my favorite Italian restaurant. I have been going to this cafe since I was about six years old. It is my family's favorite place to eat. I have been there with my aunt a million times. All the wait staff knows her by name. I had not considered this when I choose the place. All I was thinking about was their DELICIOUS calamari. As soon as I entered the place, I thought of my aunt. As soon as I thought of her, I suddenly felt tears well up in my eyes as I felt a stabbing pain enter my heart. All of a sudden I REALLY missed my aunt and realized the giant hole her absence would bring to my life. At the exact same moment the waitress asked me " how is your aunt doing?" I could barely bring myself to answer with a meek "okay" before I changed the subject. One more word about my aunt and I would have been HYSTERICALLY crying. The poor confused waitress had to notice me weeping as it was.

I wonder if this waitress had been impacted by my public display of broken heart, as much as the crying movie employee had impacted me.

It's raining outside, I love the rain.. The rain drops are thick and heavy; the sky is dark. The hum of my computer makes me feel safe and cozy inside.

I think I am going to go into the living room and do a little painting. I have started a peacock painting and I am very curious as to how it will turn out.

I am not used to having free time and I am not sure quite what to do with myself honestly.

I should go to the gym and work out...

However......

The end of a blog!

2009-04-25T07:22:00.000-07:00

Hi guys,
Due to some unforeseen changes, I am going to have to make some big decisions in my life and discover some new adventures. Therefore I won't be able to devote any more time to this blog detailing my boring life. So instead of leaving you hanging, I am going to take this time to say ciao. It's been fun. Thanks for reading, commenting and showing such support. Maybe when I get back on course I'll start a new blog.... but until then ...

Good bye!

trying to be a glass is half full sort of girl!

2009-04-23T06:35:00.000-07:00

Okay so I feel a little guilty for not writing sooner. But every time I sat down to write, I hated everything that came out. Sometimes I get serious writer's block. So today I decided to publish whatever I wrote even if I hated it. Not a great way to start a blog I know.

The past few weeks have been a blur. Today marks the two month point of not having a job, and it seems so much longer than that. Even though I am officially unemployed, I am always on the go. I was SUPER busy when I had a job, and now that I don't have a job; I am just REALLY busy :)

The past two weeks have been a mix of strangeness. My body is completely out of whack. I am still recovering from chemo(it was a whole month ago), I am just pulling out of a post chemo induced flare-up, I am on a intense diet( that involves taking diet pills), and I have wicked PMS. Needless to say I have been a tad bit moody. I have also been trying to avoid a serious depression.

It so easy, sometimes, to focus on the negatives in life. I have MS, I have no job, I have two years left of school.. blah, blah.. boo hoo. However I have spent the last week really trying to clear my head, doing some serious self reflection, and basically trying to change my attitude. I can spend all my time focusing on the scary depressing things or I could focus on the good things and obtaining my goals. It is so easy to get bogged down in the negative. It's so much harder to push it out of my head and just "let it go".

Neil and I started couples therapy this week. We have had some communication problems lately, which led us to realize that are facing some big challenges in our relationship. Luckily we have a good therapist that we found about a year ago. His name is Dr. Quinn and he must be about 85 years old. He is very intelligent, funny, and most of all... very direct. Dr. Quinn doesn't pussy foot around, so to speak. He calls it like he sees it and gets to the heart of the matter quickly. I always appreciate the fact that Neil is willing to go to couples therapy when we face hurdles in our relationship. I know it is harder for him than it is for me, because he is so naturally introverted.

Aside from therapy, Neil and I also decided to take our birthday trip to North Carolina this year. I am so excited about it. I have NEVER been to North Carolina and I have ALWAYS wanted to go. We are going to stay mostly around the Asheville area. We found a really adorable cabin we are going to rent for three nights. It is pretty secluded, and it has a hot tub! For the other nights that we are in North Carolina we are either go to camp out underneath the stars or couchsurf. I really need a nature vacation. Hiking, canoeing, rafting.. it all sounds heavenly. Although we hear that Ashville is a pretty happening little town, so we may get in some fun nightlife as well.

So I have officially been on the "Desired Image" weight loss plan for two weeks tomorrow. Since my best friends own the diet clinic, I get an incredible deal. So far I have lost around nine lbs. Honestly, I don't know if I would have stuck to it, if my best friends didn't run the clinic. They offer me such support. It has not been easy to break my bad eating habits, However, it has definitely been worth all the hard work. I feels good to take some control over that part of my life. And it feels even better to see the numbers on the scale go down. I have five lbs left to loose to get back to my pre-campath weight. I have two weight lose goals after that, so I really hope I can keep the momentum going.

Today is my last official day of class for this semester. I have one week left after today of an online class and then I get a two week break from school. Whoo hoo, another semester down! Only five more to go. As of May 11, I should completely be admitted to the elementary education program at USF. It has proven quite difficult to get into this program. They really make you do a crap load of stuff. But I am keeping my eye on the prize. I can't believe it has taken me so long to figure out what I want to be, and I am still in a little shock that what I want to be is an elementary school teacher. But I feel good about everything. I also decided that if I absolutely hate teaching, I will probably go on to law school as opposed to graduate school. I'd love to do some advocacy law and maybe use my law skills for good instead of evil.

But I can only focus on one goal at a time. And right now that goal is getting my observation paper done for class tonight.

So, sorry it has taken me so long to update. Hopefully this marks the end to my writer's block.

till we meet again!

after the rain comes sun

2009-04-13T13:08:00.001-07:00

The tramp moves on to the end of the street
I listen to the echo of his hobnail feet
For some there's a future to find
But I think they're leaving me behind.

The world humes on at its breakneck pace
People fly in their lifelong race
For them there's a future to find
But I think they're leaving me behind.

The chances they come, but the chances have been lost
Success can be gained, but at too great a cost
For some there's a future to find
But I think they're leaving me behind.

The wind sweeps up and goes back to its tree
The rain flows by and moves to the sea
For them there's a future to find
But I think they're leaving me behind.

2009-04-04T08:08:00.000-07:00

rough night last night, too many nightmares. Nightmares so bad that they haunt me during the day time.

Maybe it was the bang bang tacos. Never a good thing to eat something called bang bang tacos so close to bedtime.

Although, a nice dinner at the Bonefish Grill with my man might have been worth it. We got a booth. We never get a booth there. Delicious wine. Interesting conversation.

Yesterday Neil and I had an argument during the day. It is rare for us to even argue at all. Of course it was short lived. It was a matter of miscommunication, frustration and super sensitivity. I can actually take the blame for it. Our arguments are usually one of two things, usually it starts with one of us playing Devil's advocate over some silly philosophical conversation or it is some stupid argument over whether to use a trash can liner or not. I don't like when we argue, but I do understand that arguments are a natural part of a relationship. Neil on the other hand, despises conflict. He really gets upset when we argue. Even when we do argue, we rarely raise our voices and hardly ever curse. I did shoot him the bird yesterday (BAD sassypants) which I feel pretty guilty about.

Yesterday, before we went out to dinner, I had a strong realization. I was looking around at my beautiful house, and at my beautiful man. And I realized how incredibly lucky I am. I mean materialistically and emotionally. I have such a nice life. I have everything I could want and more. I am pretty spoiled. I think of people in other countries who worry about having enough food and I can't even imagine what that would feel like. Although I have been there myself, years ago. I mean, I have an Iphone for god's sake.

In addition to the physical luxury, I have so much love that surrounds me. I have the best boyfriend a girl could ask for, supportive family members who accept me for who I am, the best dog ever, amazing friends, and so many opportunities. It really is something of a surprise to me that I could feel so lucky. After I was diagnosed with MS, I never thought I would have that feeling again. I mean being diagnosed with something like MS feels like a curse. And yet here I am , feeling over whelmed with my good luck and good fortune. It was a nice moment, to say the least.

well time to have a birthday brunch with my Aunt.

Then tonight my friend's Becky and Xavier are having a party.

Let the madness begin~

And it comes in threes.

2009-04-03T06:00:00.000-07:00

I am guess I am sort of superstitious. I had to admit it, but I am. I get nervous on Friday the 13th (yes, we had two of them back to back this year). I throw salt over my shoulder when I spill it. I wish on shooting stars. And I also tend to notice how things come in threes. This week was a sad week for the "three" rule. First my friend's grandmother was found in a diabetic coma on her kitchen floor. That was Tuesday, she is still in a coma and her outlook is not too good. Next, a friend of Neil's family died. A younger woman, completely unexpected. And then finally yesterday my neighbor's cute little 5 month year old chihuahua got hit by a car. So devastating!!

It is a rainy Friday. Hopefully the rain will wash away all the tragedy from the week. It has been a rough week in general, aside from all the death around me. I am having a small flare up, which is expected. However, this was a bad week for my head to hurt, my brain to quit processing and my eyes not to work- especially considering how much school work I had to catch up on. But I was a trooper and I did everything I needed to do. So maybe I can finally have a weekend of rest and relaxation that I so desperately need. I have two birthdays this weekend. Yes, Aries have hit with a vengeance. Luckily, I don't feel stressed out about the birthdays this month. I guess after the insanity of being Jessica's maid of honor, everything else seems calm.

So now in the month of April I guess I am looking for a job; waiting for my application to the college of Education to be accepting, so that I can register for summer classes; working on my documentary; painting the guest room; and working on my garden before it gets too hot to go outside. Neil and I are trying to figure out what to do for our birthday in July (we have the same birthday). So far we have talked about going to New Orleans, Chicago, a road trip through North Carolina or a trip to San Fran with a three night mini trip to Yosemite. So many options which all sound good. Neither of us have been to North Carolina or Yosemite. I hate wasting a trip on somewhere I have been. Plus, everywhere is so friggin hot in the summer. GRRRR! Hopefully we will figure it out soon. I was thinking that we could just put all of the options in a hat and pick one. I am a big supporter of picking ideas out of a hat and going for it. Sort of some preplanned spontaneity. <----oxymoron?

Next week is an exciting week. Monday Neil and I are going to see Amy Goodman talk at a WMNF benefit. I love Amy Goodman. She is inspires me more than I can express. Then Wednesday Jenn and I are going to Busch Gardens. Sun, fun, animals and roller coasters. Thursday Jenn and I are going to the beach. It is our spring break treat. She definitely needs one and I didn't get one since I was getting chemo on my spring break. One of the best memories I have with Jenn was at the beach during, a work week. Just before Zack died, he talked us into playing hooky and going to the beach for a day. Jenn came along. It was a beautiful day. And I remember Jenn and I floating in the ocean, talking about important life matters, yet feeling so carefree. That was over seven years ago, when we were still young and naive. In less than a month, Zack was dead. But I will always remember him lying on the sand. His beautiful face glowing in the sun with a smile that only a day at the beach could bring.

The rain has passed. It is time for the day to unfold.

back to life, back to reality

2009-03-31T05:25:00.000-07:00

So even though it is already Tuesday, I am still caught in wedding land. It is hard to realize that the wedding is over and now I have to focus on real life stuff, like doing a shit ton of school work, or finding a job.

The wedding itself , was BEAUTIFUL! I was really surprised and amazed how it all came together so perfectly. There was maybe three or four things I would have done differently, but other than that, I can't complain. Everyone looked gorgeous. The venue was perfect. The weather could not have been nicer. The guests were all open, friendly, and interesting people. It really seemed almost magical.

After the ceremony sincere and tearful ceremony, Jessica and Andrew raced down the river bank into a canoe and sailed away. Then we all went to the reception area and found our seats, while awaiting them to make their grand re-entrance. After they returned, the party started and raged on all night. I think I finally called it quits and went to sleep in the guest room of her mom's house around 2:00am ( the wedding started at 4:00pm). The wedding was on Jessica's mother property (which consists of a few acres right on a big river) , so about 12 of the guests camped out in tents after the reception. However a huge storm hit the area around 3:00am and sent the campers scattering in different directions. However, they all toughed it out and made it to the brunch the next morning. After the delicious brunch, everyone just chilled and exchanged info. Some went on nature walks, some went canoeing. Neil and I did not leave till around 4:00pm. It was such a beautiful day. I didn't want to go home, but the dogs needed us. I wanted to stay and finish bonding with my new friends.

I met so many wonderful people at the wedding and I made so many new friends. As the maid of honor, I made it a priority to talk to everyone there. I think I ended up talking to 90% of the guests. Jessica and Andrew attract the coolest people. Someone dubbed the experience as " a meeting of the minds". Everyone coming together to share their ideas and artistic practices. It was one of my best weekends ever.

However, now it is back to real life. Homework, housework, paperwork. Aughhhhh.
I still have yet to have a real day off, other than when I was miserable on chemo.
But I guess that is what life is about.. work hard in order to enjoy a special weekend here or there.

Last night I trucked it out to St.Pete to see another friend of mine who was in town from San Fran. We had sushi Thai for dinner and then gelato for dessert. YUMMY. It was a short but lovely visit.

So now I have an intense day of homework and then a presentation in class tonight. I can't wait for this weekend to get here. I only have one party to attend , Saturday night, and then it is RELAX time. I need some serious "stay in bed" time.

ummm bed...

she going to the forest and she's gonna get married

2009-03-28T04:57:00.000-07:00

So today is the big day... Jessica and Andrew's wedding! I have so many mixed feelings now that it is actually here. Part of me is relieved that all of the work and preparing will finally be over but another part of me is sad. It is almost over, and then Jessica and Andrew go back to Oakland.

The bachelorette party was really fun. Between eight girls, we drank 7 bottles of wine and champagne, a few beers and some shots of tequila. We had a dance party and tons of fondue. Everyone liked their tarot card reading. It was just what Jessica wanted. I'd say it was damn near perfect.

The rehearsal dinner was also a lot of fun. The food was great and I met SOOO many new people. Andrew has a HUGE Jewish family that ALL flew down. Everyone was pretty nice and open. Andrew also has a lot of friends from all over the country, so last night it was hard to keep names, and living locations straight.

So I have two hours to get ready before Jess picks me up. I am glad that I will have an hour car ride with her alone, so that we can chat it up a bit before all the chaos starts.

Last night as I was acting the part of the good maid of honor and talking to everyone, I realized that I sort of consider Jessica like a sister. I don't know why that is. Some people you just get close with and they feel like a certain member of your family. I guess it has to do with the fact that she and I are so very different, yet we remain so close without a lot of discussion. We can't even remember how we became friends. It just seems as though it was destined to happen.

well I better get my butt in gear. In 29 hours, this will all be a happy memory~

co co ca chu!

2009-03-25T06:37:00.000-07:00

It is hump day!

I love hump day!

Things are much better. I feel almost back to normal. Minus my energy level, a few aches and pains and some dizziness. My face is finally clearing up and I am losing the steroid bloat...

My house is a bit of a disaster. But I am cleaning it from head to toe tomorrow.

The wedding mayhem has started, and even though I sort of resented it at first, I am now looking forward to it, as I know it is going to be a total blast. I love the couple who is getting married so dearly.

Monday I took the bride shopping for last min odds and ends. Jessica (the bride) is adorable. Although she is totally shopping handicapped. We spent the whole day shopping our butts off and even though it was exhausting, it was fun. Jessica is a no stress bride. She doesn't place too many demands on me or act like a bidezilla. For the most part she is a "go with the flow" girl, extremely flexible and a really good communicator. After shopping, Andrew (her groom) came over for dinner and we went over wedding details. Andrew is the most involved groom I have ever seen.

Tomorrow night is the bachlorette party at my house. Jessica wanted a fun "night at home" with all of her lady friends. We are having a wine tasting and a fondue party. Melissa is coming over to offer tarot readings for the guests. We will play records, dance and just be silly. I am actually looking forward to it.

Friday night is the rehearsal dinner at Bernini's. A fancy Italian restaurant in ybor and then an after party of bar hopping.

Saturday is the big event. Saturday night we are sleeping in Brooksville, (most guests are camping) and Sunday morning there is a brunch.

Andrew's two Jewish cousins will be staying in our guest room Friday night. I am interested to see what his cousins are like. Apparently one of them is a cute 20 year old hipster rock star. I joked with Jessica and Andrew about how I was going to wear my moo moo around the house the whole time he was here. I don't know why I find that idea so amusing.

Well I better get cracking on my "to do" list

yea.. sounds like my old self for sure.

the days just blend together

2009-03-21T17:29:00.000-07:00

well today I feel about 35% better, which is a huge relief. When you feel as crappy as I did , even 35% is a godsend. I have huge pussy blisters all over my face, which are seriously stressing me out. But at least the whole upper half of my body doesn't ache as much, and I am not praying to die. However, I do have a horrific case of cabin fever . Today I sat outside for about an hour. We had nice weather. But even with my outside adventure, I still feel restless and anxious to get out of the house. I took a trip to Pita's to get a greek salad for lunch. I wore a hat, scarf, and big sunglasses, in an attempt to distract people from my pussy blisters. Neil said I looked like a cancer patient instead. Half way through ordering, I ran out of energy and had to keep myself conscious. I can only imagine what the guy who took my order thought. Aside from the physical symptoms, roid rage has also set upon me. I am seriously depressed and emotional. But hey, this is what I signed up for... in all of it's glory! Amidst my negative attitude, Neil had to remind me, that I did this so that things would be better, all of this suffering is for a goal of better health in the long run. So even though I feel like a puss-filled , bloated , sick person; I know it will get better and pay off in the long run.

Tonight I am forcing Neil to get out of the house and take a break from being my caretaker. His friends are in town and they are djing at bar downtown. I am glad he gets to go and actually enjoy himself for a few hours. I mean lately it's been like we are 80 years old, instead of 30. Although I must admit, I am a little jealous that he gets to get out of the house and escape for a while. Since he is leaving, I asked my friend (Jenn) to come over and babysit me. I don't know if I will be good company or not, but I don't really want to be alone. Which is strange for me. Usually I crave alone time. I think Jenn is going to take me out for frozen yogurt and then we might learn to knit. Whoo hoo! A big night planned at the old age home :)

These past few days, I don't know what I would have done without Neil. Or how he has become so selfless and brave. Yesterday was a rough day. I woke up so sore around my head and neck that I was sure something was wrong. I rushed to my doctor early in the morning because they wanted to check me out. Turns out that nothing was abnormal. Since all of my T cells are in my lymphoids, it would make sense that they would be sore while everything was being killed by the campath. However, it was sort of my breaking point. I could not stop myself from sobbing on the doctor's table while she examined me. I was so scared, tired, sick and frustrated. I tried to hide it but I think it was obvious that I could not hold it together. Neil, however, was so calm and re-assuring. He simply held my hand or rubbed my back, automatically soothing me. He takes care of everything , without me even asking. If I have an empty glass, he fills it. If I feel hot, he turns on the fan or takes my temp. If I want food, he makes it or goes and grabs take out. He answers my phone when my mother calls, he takes care of the dogs. He does it all. And the whole time, he acts as if it is a privilege to take care of me. He does it all with such sincere love and care. I can't imagine taking care of someone like that. Without the slightest hint of resentment. Today he bought me an orchid, while he was out running errands. Orchids are my favorite flower and the one he bought me is BEAUTIFUL. It is huge and white. I love it. I think I will call it Fran.. I hope I can keep Fran alive. I hope in a few months, both Fran and I are blooming beautifully.

Well I think that is about all the energy I have to ramble. I think Neil is getting ready to leave. Jenn should be here in an hour or so. I am hoping that when I wake up tomorrow, I will feel 70% back to normal. I hope Kristin is okay. We haven't talked more that a few text messages here and there.

I hope all of you enjoy your Saturday nights...

no fun!

2009-03-20T10:56:00.000-07:00

today sucks ass.. everything hurts.. I don't think I can handle this again next year... Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Must lay down!

drip, drip, drip

2009-03-17T06:10:00.000-07:00

Well, I am sitting in the infusion chair at the clinic getting a dose of steroids before my next dose of campath. Yesterday was my first infusion and it was a rough day. I had some weird reaction to the IV called a vagus reaction. Apparently it is stress related. During the insertion of the IV a got very nauseous and weak. Then my body drenched with sweat and everything went white. I could not see, or speak and then I passed out. I woke up to my doctor shaking me, telling me to stay with them, raising my feet above my head and wiping me down with a wet cloth. I still couldn't see and I felt like I had been hit by a bus. I guess my pulse dropping down to half of what is was in a matter of seconds. It was scary .. for everyone involved. After about 20 mins, I felt better, the doctor got my vitals stable and my color came back. I guess sometimes the reaction can be fatal. But I was in good hands. My poor doctors. Kristin and I always keep things interesting for them for sure.

So the infusion was okay. I felt weak and achy. But I also kept myself medicated with vicodin. Kristin and I watched two movies and had a yummy lunch. Towards the end, Kristin got the horrible rash she got last year. Last time, I didn't get the rash till the last day and it was no where as bad as Kristin's. My issue last year was my heart rate. It dropped really low and they had to run labs to make sure that I didn't have a mini heart attack. They also wanted to admit me to the hospital, but I refused. I am a little nervous that this year is going to be a repeat because my blood pressure was already low this morning. But I am trying to stay positive.

Last night was frustrating because some of the drugs I am taking make feel speedy and awake while others make me exhausted. So when I got home, I was too tired to stay awake and too awake to fall asleep. So I was trapped in a limbo of discomfort. Neil has been so amazing. He has been taking care of me like a madman. He cooked a delicious dinner last night and took care of my every whim. Just thinking of how supportive he has been makes me tear up. This whole experience is very emotional. All of the support I have gotten from people who care about me in general has been overwhelming. I spent a good portion of the day yesterday just weeping whenever I got a friendly text message, phone call, or comment. I feel so lucky and blessed with all the love and support I have in my life. Part of me feels like I really don't deserve it but hey, I am trying not to look a gift horse in the mouth.

So the week leading up to this was intense. Lots cleaning a preparing. I wanted everything to be perfect since my physical atmosphere is the only thing in this whole experience I have control of. Neil was sweet and cleaned all of Sunday while I ran last min errands.

I am looking forward to the end of today because then I will officially be 2/3 of the way done! Although last year, the two or three days after the infusion were the worst. So I am counting on thr, fri and sat to be my crappiest days. This year, my IV is on my right wrist, so I am basically without use of my right hand at all. Which sucks and makes life difficult.

Well enough complaining. Life is good. Things could be worse. I am just anxious to put this behind me.

Next week, is the next wedding where I am the maid of honor. So I have shoe shopping to do, a bach party to throw, a rehearsal dinner, the wedding and then a brunch a next day. Plus my friend Justin is coming into town from San Fran and I need to see him at some point. Oy Vey!!

My writing will forever have typos.. just think of it as part of my retarted charm...

2009-03-05T06:12:00.000-08:00

Okay so I am writing a blog. I don't really want to write a blog. I want to eat some breakfast and then get out into my garden and do some work. But I promised a blog, and by golly, I try and keep my promises. Pretty much since I got laid off ten days ago, I have been consumed with my yard. I have cleaned off all my patios (a massive undertaking.) I have planted peppers, tomatoes, herbs and colorful little plants. I have pruned and primped till my arms bled. I have hung wind chimes and wall hangings in order to decorate my garden and make a pretty little retreat from the world. Finally after a ton of work, it is starting to come together. I used to garden all of the time and have exotic plants all around me. However after my friend Zack passed away, the urge to nurture things decreased and I had no urge to garden. I could barely manage to keep myself and my animals alive, amidst all of my grief, much less some plants. So I am hoping that this renewed sense to garden is a sign that life goes on. That is sort of my catch phrase for the week. " Life goes on".

I have also been busy doing other things as well. Like picking out paint colors for two rooms that I want to paint and getting my school work done. Generally I am trying to get my shit together. I am trying to use this time to get to all the project that usually fall on the back burner, trying to get my house in order so in a few weeks, when I am confined to wander around it with an IV in my arm after a day of hell, I will truly be able to relax!

Yesterday was a very sad and dramatic day. I can't go into details. However I will say that a friend of mine made a REALLY bad decision and screwed up his life, and lives of the people who care about him. It made me realize how just one mistake can totally fuck up your life. Okay, technically it would be two mistakes. Either way in the blink of an eye, everything he had going for him was lost.

These past ten days have seemed to drag on. It feels like it has been years since I was employed. Some days (even though I have stayed busy as hell), I feel lost in the land of the working. It is so quiet during the day. So empty. I surround myself with sounds.. Music.. television. but it still feels weird.

Nil has been wonderful and supportive since I got laid off. He tries (and sometimes succeeds) in spoiling me, like I am little princess. Usually when he does nice things for me, I feel conflicted with guilt. It is hard for me to accept people being nice to me. I have a hard time in general accepting the good in my life. I guess I am afraid that the moment I accept it and appreciate it , is the moment it will be taken from me. I hate to sound like a drama queen, but I have had a seriously fucked up life. Now I am not complaining. My life has made me who I am today, I am I very happy with that person. And there are only a handful of things I would change about my life if I could. But I have a very tough exterior. Above all, my life has made me a survivor. Even when I am relaxed, I am in survivor mode. I always have one eye open, expecting the unexpected, armed with a back up plan and an escape route. I am always down to protect myself and anyone I love. Like a momma bear, ready to spring and fight. Now that completely conflicts with my spiritual side. My inner spiritual side leads me towards peace, understanding, positivity and happiness. How can you truly be at peace, with one eye open? Trying to balance these two opposing sides of myself is a major life challenge. So in an attempt to balance them more, I am working on becoming more gracious in my older age. I try and accept the good with a sincere "thank you" and true appreciation. I try to soften my edges, open my mind and smile at the good in life, instead of looking for the strings attached or waiting for the other shoe to drop. It is a part of my living in the moment approach. Accept the good while it is here, learn from the bad when it happens and keep it all in perspective.

Well I have rambled enough for the day. I have some paint colors to pick, some pansies to plant and a 500 word reflection to write and it is already 10:00am!!!!

In case you haven't done so, I am raising money for the MS walk in a few weeks, so click this link below and donate $5.00 to my cause.. after all you get to know the inner workings on my mind for free with these amazing and insightful blogs, the least you can do, is donate $5.00 bucks... right?

http://main.nationalmssociety.org/site/TR/Walk/FLCWalkEvents?px=6120413&pg=personal&fr_id=9865

DO IT NOW!!!

P.S the first night of filming for my documentary went really well, and I am super excited about it. I am kicking around names..what do you think of " My lesions and me" or " Me and my lesions"???

P.P.S OMG, did anyone see the episode of the bad girls club Tuesday? They all jumped one of the Ambers and put her in the hospital.. and it was the Amber I liked ... GRRRRRR! Bitches be crazy!

as the world turns...

2009-03-02T06:46:00.000-08:00

believe it or not, I have been too busy to write on my blog.

Things are good, I am happy.

Lot's of changes , which are always difficult for a cancer, however I am going with the flow.

Soon I will write a big update..

Promise!

I am still waiting for it to sink in.

2009-02-24T08:24:00.000-08:00

that I don't have a job. It is so surreal. Today just feels like a Saturday. I have so much to do still, that I haven't found that sense of freedom which I was hoping for. Maybe tomorrow, when I can spend the whole day at home, I will finally be like "ah, this is what I have been waiting for." Although tomorrow I plan to do some much needed gardening, and clean my car from head to toe. I may even take a tai chi or yoga class at the studio near my house.

I am to David' bridal in order to get a bride maids dress ( I hope anyway) , then over to my aunt's to help her unpack and settle into her new place. Finally I have to finish up my portfolio and high tail it to class to watch three hours of boring presentations.

I already worked out and made some delicious corn bread, and chili. Geeze I am so domesticated. I do miss people already. I feel so isolated.

I found some cool nanny jobs on Craig's list that sound fairly easy and are only part time. Although I am waiting till the month of march is over before committing to anything.

I am on my third chapter of the new book I started. So far it is a pretty good book.

So even though yesterday was a life changing blow... everything is homeostasis for the time being.

time to shop~

2009-02-23T10:15:00.000-08:00

well, I got laid off today. and I feel a strange calm about it. I mean part of me is freaking out. It's a huge recession and I have no job.. WTF? Luckily my work was nice and gave me a small package. And I feel okay about it. I keep my expenses fairly slow, and I really need to focus on things like school and my health right now. But it feels weird here, alone at home...on a workday. I feel like a kid playing hooky on a school day.

The experience was strange.. as it always is with a lay-off. Everyone was shooting me looks of sympathy. And everyone was shocked, shared and sad. I wanted to re-assure everyone that it was okay. It sucks. But it's cool, that is just how the world works.. I am a survivor. Don't cry for me Argentina. I will say, that I will miss my co-workers. They were a cool bunch. The job itself sucked, a depression is a horrible time to do software sales, but my kooky co-workers really kept me smiling. I pretty much liked everyone who worked there. In one way or another.

So now on with the next phase of my life. With this new found freedom I am inspired. Time to start focusing on my passions.

It has been a strange year so far... I feel like some one pushed the fast forward button on my life. Every thing is accelerated. warp speed ahead captain.

Whatever! I am down for the ride.. it's what I signed up for.

Know what I am saying?

by the day's early light

2009-02-21T06:26:00.000-08:00

I woke up later today than I normally do, but earlier than I wanted to. Mona (the world's most annoying cat) woke us up at 8:30am meowing at the door. I have to admit, it was partially my fault, since I shut the door to the room with her food bowl in it.
I was tempted to go garage sale hopping, but I decided to save my money and start organizing my life. I have yet another busy weekend in front on me.

I stayed up last last night, even though I shouldn't have. I am not feeling very good lately. My eyes are bothering me, I feel dizzy and light headed all the time, my cognition is slipping, and the exhaustion is back. I am sure it is surely stress related. Stress can bring on a flare up in the blink of an eye. <--- ha ha, no pun intended. Also I had some WICKED PMS this week, and wicked PMS always to affect my MS. Weird huh?

However, at least my mood seems better today. I can feel the sun peaking out of the dark cloud which has been my week. Maybe it is in direct correlation to not having to go to work.

Last night Neil took me out to dinner to our favorite Thai place in Tampa. It is a cute little spot hidden in between the two most famous strip clubs in town. I wish I felt better, because I don't think I was very good company. But the food was so good and the place is so cute, it still managed to be romantic. Next we went to this beer, wine and liquor store close to the restaurant. It is suppose to have wholesale prices. I have to admit, the prices were awesome, but it was the GIGANTIC selection that made the store so completely enthralling. Neil and I spent at least an hour looking at all the imported beers that they carry, laughing about the names, and trying to figure out which ones we were going to be brave enough to try. I never thought I'd have so much fun in a liquor store.

Today is the Indian wedding reception which I have come to dread, and then afterward it is on to Jenn's 31st birthday bash. I bought a fancy bottle of tequila for the party and also decided that I going to bring cupcakes.Jenn is serving sangria, fondue, and yummy eggrolls. It looks like a nice mix of people are going to show up, so I am excited. I hope Jenn likes the gifts I made her. I put a lot of work into them. Especially the painting I made for her.

Anyway,I better get a move on.. time is a wasting!

pinch, poke.. you gotta love me.

2009-02-19T08:55:00.000-08:00

Okay so I am an astrological snob. It's true. I can't tell you how many people I have offended by saying rude things about their signs. Especially Aries, but I can't help it. Aries drive me crazy. However one of the people who I loved most in the world was an Aries (my dead grandmother), therefore they can't all be bad.

Now maybe I spend a lot of time pointing out the flaws of other people's signs. Like the Aries tendency to be completely self absorbed, obnoxious, insecure and late to everything. Or Virgo's critical hypocrisy, mixed with their hyper sensitivity and worry wart ways. I can't stand the Aquarius lack of empathy for anything, unless it affects them directly, and their tendency to laugh at people when they loose their cool and get emotional - they are so detached at times, like the rest of us are all one big science experiment to them. And don't even get me started about Capricorns. Anyway, you get the picture.

Now while other people's signs take a little criticism from me, trust me, I am the hardest on my own sign. So don't think it's anything personal when I make a crappy comment about your astrological sign, I mean what else would you expect a cancer to do?

For all it's glory, being a cancer isn't a easy ride. I often compare being a cancer with being the jewish mother of the zodiac. Now does that sound like an easy gig? Heck na?

First off do have any idea what it's like to have a changing emotion every few minutes? Talk about moody. It is like having PMS all the time. It's a roller coaster of emotions. And let me tell you , it is exhausting. One min everything is beautiful and perfect. Ten minutes later, the whole world is coming to an end. It is a bi-polar nightmare.

Also do you have any idea how sensitive we are? No? well then either you are not very observant or we are hiding it (we are good at hiding things IF we want to). For god sakes EVERYTHING hurts my feelings. You could roll your eyes while I was talking about something important, and I will remember it for a lifetime and probably use it against you later. Because not only are we sensitive but we are clingy. That means we hold onto EVERYTHING. Every last hurt, every rejection, every receipt we don't need anymore, every toxic relationship and every piece of crap which has any sort of sentiment associated with it. Do you know what it is like to lug around not only a bunch of physical crap, but also emotional crap everywhere?

What next? Okay how about being a constant nurturer? Do you think I like fussing over whether or not you are taking your vitamins, wearing your seat belt, using condoms, sending thank you notes or paying your back taxes? Hell no, I don't. But I simply can't help it. I can not stop myself from meddling into other people's lives and giving my opinions. After all, I love you , I want you to be happy and I want you to do the best in your life. Even if that means I have to be a ball busting bitch and micro manage everything for you! Sorry it is just my nature.

Let's move on shall we?

How about the annoying trait of being a romantic? That's right, when you are a cancer you romanticize EVERYTHING. You want prince charming to ride in on a horse and sweep you away. You want everyday to be perfect and full of beauty. You want all your gifts with bows on top and perfect wrapping. You want your tacos to be perfect and your house to be the most comfortable , beautiful mecca of social gatherings. You want to be the most reliable friend, the best hostess, the best mother, the best daughter. Needless to say that in your mind, everything should always be perfect and when it's not, cancers get so DISAPPOINTED. Not to mention our tendencies to pout and manipulate if we don't get our way.

Now don't get me wrong. Even with all of my complaints I love me some cancers. Some of my bestest friends in the whole world are cancers (including Neil, the love of my life.)

We certainly can be charming when we want to. We will make you laugh one moment, dazzle you with our profound insight the next, then have you in tears with our sad stories, and finally we snuggle you up and cook you a FANTASTIC meal. No matter how mad you get at us, no one can really stay long at a cancer too long. We are just too endearing , and may I add.. too cool!

Anyway, that was your astrology lesson for the day. Beware, there will be a pop quiz later.

not a happy camper!

2009-02-18T07:48:00.001-08:00

I don't want to be at work today. In fact, I don't want to be at work at all lately. Maybe it is my paranoia, but I really feel like my boss is on a witch hunt against me. Every time I am sick or every time I need a day off, we have to have a big talk about my MS. Even if the reason I am sick has nothing to do with my MS. If I have a cold or the stomach flu, I get non-stop information from HR regarding FMLA. I know there are people at work who take off way more time that I do, for far less serious reasons (usually their children). I also know that there are people at work who are feeling the crunch of the recession and having a harder time meeting their quotas than I am. However, I am always being scrutinized, observed, or thoroughly questioned about something. It really seems that before I "came out" about my MS, I was the golden child, and that ever since I came out, I am the red headed stepchild.

I really wrestled with the idea of telling my work I had MS. I have always heard horror stories about people revealing their MS at work and it affecting their job. However, I am really bad at keeping important things a secret. Plus, I feel like having MS sucks enough,and that keeping it a dirty secret makes it ten times harder to deal with. And finally, there are also the issues of flare-ups and doctor appointments. It just seems easier for everyone involved to be honest. However, I have learned that contrary to popular belief. Honesty is not always the best policy. Especially not in regards to your employment and chronic illness. Now I understand why they had to create disability acts in the first place.

Needless to say; that feeling judged, misunderstood, singled out and persecuted is not a good work motivator. And I am not sure if I will reveal my MS in future employment situations. Lesson learned.

So aside from work stress, I am feeling a bit worn out and over whelmed this week. Of course it is all my fault. No matter how hard people try to stop me, I am hell bent on over extending myself and doing too much. I really try to refrain, but it seems impossible. There is always something to do. Always something to juggle. And lately I am having a hard time keeping all my balls in the air at the same time. I usually end up dropping a ball or two. Luckily, I have surrounded myself with people who understand if I happen to drop their particular ball for a little while, and no one places too many demands on me. Other than my boss that is.

So, I am crabby and tired today. Sounds about right for a moody cancer. I just want to spend some time at home. It seems like I haven't really been home and able to relax for weeks. I need some serious downtime. Although I have a hunch that as soon as I get it, I will be bored and lonely.

well at least it is hump day! Hump day! Hump day!

No new episode of the bad girl's club last night :(

woe is me!

How you view the glass.

2009-02-17T06:43:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was another busy day, overflowing from the weekend. I ran errands on lunch, and even after work. Then I met up with Neil at the eye doctor, where he ended up giving me my valentine's day present. He got me something I desperately needed. He gave me the gift of sight :) On my last eye visit , the eye doctor prescribed me some pretty intense glasses in order to try and help me see better (yes, he order trifocals okay?) However, with the frames I liked, the progressive lenses, and the anti glare, the glasses I needed ended up being out of my price range. Neil, however offered to buy them for me as a belated valentine's present. How spectacular is that? No one has even given me better vision as a gift before.

When I met Neil at the vision place, his pupils had already been dilated. So it was his turn to look like a teenager on acid. Neil and I ended up picking out similar frames, they both had white inside the background (very European). I teased Neil that we are slowly morphing into the same person and soon we would be one of those couples who begin to look like. Maybe in the future we will even wear matching outfits. Just kidding (or am I?)

After the eyeglass shopping, Neil and I went home to make delicious taco salads for dinner. I LOVE taco salad night!! After dinner, I decided to do something I had been dreading. I tried on my Indian outfit, to make sure it still fits. I have gained around eight lbs since I last wore it and honestly, i was a little worried. Especially since Neil's mother had made a point to ask me whether or not I tried it on Sunday at dinner. She was anxious to know if it still fit. Obviously she has noticed my weight gain ( Neil's mother is OBSESSED with people's weight) Luckily , it does still fit. I won't lie, it is very snug, but still wearable.

While I was walking around in my outfit, I started to think about how nice it is that I don't have to try and figure out what I am wearing to the wedding. It's already been decided, considering I only have one Indian outfit. I hate fretting about what to wear and what is appropriate and now, I don't have to. Easy and simple.

Then I started thinking about the outfit in general and how it has always given me mixed feelings. Neil's family had the outfit made for me the when they were in India last year. It is a beautiful outfit, and I am sure it was fairly expensive.

Whenever ever people see or hear about the outfit, they always comment about how nice it is that Neil's family bought it for me and what a good sign that is that they are starting to accept our relationship.

On one hand, I agree. It was nice of them. They went to through a lot of trouble to get the measurements, pick out the prettiest outfit that they could find, have it made, and bring it back to me. But on the other hand, I have always felt slightly unappreciative about the outfit. Last night, I tried to figure out what about the outfit bothered me, and then I realized what it was.

Neil's parents never really ASKED me if I wanted an outfit. They never really asked me if I wanted to wear the outfit to his sister's reception and they never really asked me if I wanted to wear it this Saturday. It has always just been assumed.

Now me, with my stubborn western ways, has always been irritated by this. I am so used to making all of my own decisions, that it bugs me when decisions are made for me, without my input. Now granted, they did ask me what colors and styles I liked before they picked out the outfit, but that was about the only input I was asked for.

Now personally I am very interested in Indian culture. I have always been a culture freak (one good thing my mother passed onto me) and honestly I do jump at the chance to learn as much about Indian culture as possible. The religion, the traditions, the food, the music and the people all cast a magical spell on me and I find it all very beautiful and interesting. Therefore I am excited at a chance to assimilate into the culture by wearing a beautiful Indian outfit to the different cultural events. However, I guess I'd like a invitation first. I'd like to be asked if it is something I want, but that doesn't seem to be the way Indian culture works. There doesn't seem to be a lot of interest in what one wants personally. Instead there are social rules that everyone assumes and abides by. Of course I'd wear an Indian outfit to an Indian wedding. Of course I'd want to fit in and look like everyone else (well as much as I can). That is the whole role of a person in Indian culture. Maintain the status quo.

As I realized this last night, I had a new appreciation of my Indian outfit. I think in their own way, Neil's family was extending some form of acceptance to me by giving me the outfit, and it just wouldn't occur to them to ask if it something I wanted. It was a nice gesture and it really is a beautiful outfit, which they took a lot of time to pick out for me.

No, Neil's family probably doesn't spend a lot of time, contemplating my wants and needs. They probably don't consider whether or not I want to assimilate into their culture (even though they spent a good portion of their energy trying to force me out, in the beginning.) It is just assumed that the longer Neil and I stay together, the more I will assimilate. And it probably always will be that way. I think that it is time to let go of some of my resentments from the way they acted in the beginning and accept them for who they are and for their culture differences. I think it's time to appreciate my outfit, say an extra special thank you and move on. Honestly they are doing the best they can to accept the fact that their dreams of the perfect Indian daughter In-law may never come to fruition. It has been a slow , painful process for all involved. But these days , whenever Neil's mother sees me, she gives me a big smile and a huge hug. She even offered to help me make Indian food for International potluck we are having at work (but our schedules didn't work out). In their own way, Neil's family is doing their best to let go of their disappointments and make the best of the situation. And it's about the same time, that I woman up and do the same thing.

All of these realizations came from trying on a tight fitting Indian outfit.

After the outfit, I spent way too much time painting and didn't haul my butt to bed till almost 11:30pm. Which us wayyy past my bedtime. But I can't help it. Painting is so consuming. It sucks me in and refuses to let go till I fix every little aspect that I am not happy with ( which never happens). I am only about half way done and I only have two more night to work on it. GRRRRRRR!

Another days of running around like a chicken with my head cut off.

is it hump day yet?

dragging my ass!

2009-02-16T06:35:00.000-08:00

I will post a longer and more detailed blog later (hopefully)!

This weekend was pretty exhausting and emotional.

I didn't have a minute of down time.

I don't know how I made it to work this morning. Now that I am here. All I want to do is go home and crawl into bed.

The wedding we went to this weekend was wild, just as expected.

A VERY long Catholic mass nuptial service (the bride looked absolutely breathtaking!)

A very long, yet well planned out reception at the fancy south Tampa country club. Lot of tears.

A wild party at the hotel afterward, complete with a hotel managers busting into the penthouse suite and threatening to call the police. A small deterrence because the party kept going at least another 5 hours.

Drunken conversations with old and new friends.

Shots of patron!

I have always considered Neil's friend just that.. They were his friends. However this weekend , I realized that I have known these people for almost five years. I have watched them grow up, get married, break up, procreate and change. It was good to see them again. Good to watch them reminisce and tell the same stories I have heard a million times, good to hear new stories which I had never heard. I went to the wedding with an open mind and an open heart, and I saw Neil's friends in a new light. It was beautiful!

The bride and groom seemed very much in love, and they actually seemed to enjoy their wedding , instead of looking over whelmed and exhausted. I was touched with their sincerity. The bride finally won me over. I am now a Mary convert.

I also finally got to hang out with Matt and Kelly, whose wedding Neil and I attended a few years ago in L.A. As I predicted, Kelly and I totally hit it off. I could tell from her wedding that she was the type of girl I would jive with, and it was awesome to finally get a chance to hang out with her. She was pretty rad.

Neil and I should have reserved Sunday to recover, but instead we had a baby shower to go to and then dinner with his parents.

Dinner with his parents was an interesting experience.

I will have to expand further in my next blog , as I am too tired to type much more!

Time to get some work done!

must stay awake!

I am trying to update this blog more often

2009-02-11T10:01:00.001-08:00

I am trying to update this blog more often.. but it's hard. My life is so not exciting these days. I feel like all I do is update with complaints and chore lists. I am too lazy to write down the deep philosophical debates I have in my head. Too fickle to write my silly observations on life. I am so completely focused on my goals that any distractions are scared moments that I keep only for myself ( and Neil of course).

So last night, I totally nailed my presentation. I can honestly say my mantra of the night was "fake it till you make it" and that is exactly what I did. I got up in front of the class and "acted" like a teacher. Well, I must have done a pretty good job because my teacher and fellow classmates went WILD. My teacher went off about the positives of my lesson plan for so long that even I got bored and stopped listening to her after a while. Then, five of my classmates waited for me after class in order to tell me what an awesome job I did, and how I am going to make a FANTASTIC teacher. It was a really nice experience.

In fact I was so high from all the compliments that I couldn't get tired when I got home. Instead I watched the " Bad Girl's Club" until wee hours of the morning (okay it was more like midnight) I was so drunk from the intoxicating drama of the show mixed with the giant ego my classmates created, that it was actually difficult to force myself to sleep. However, I payed dearly for my sleep deprived decision this morning , when I woke up at 7:15am with only 20 mins to get out the door. Needless to say I did not take a shower today.

I am hoping to get some painting done tonight. I have some birthday paintings I need to crank out, and I can't seem to find the time to do them. Hopefully tonight I can relax, have a glass of wine, and create some truly magical pieces.

But first I need to take a shower. Because Iris and I walked three miles on lunch today and I am quite sure that one or more parts of my body stink.

Nice thought huh?

I will leave you with the following!

Secret confession of the day - I get extra excited if and when I can get my armpits to stink. I run around the house with my nose in my armpit trying to get Neil to admit they stink. He never does.

Enjoy!

randomness

2009-02-10T12:20:00.000-08:00

1) In like 3.5 hours I have to do a 45 min presentation to a group of 20 year olds pretending to be sixth graders and I am freaking out! I am planning to bribe them with candy.

2) I am CRAVING a bag of salt and vinegar chips hard core!!!!!!!! Must eat carbs!

3) I need a dye job, my roots are an inch long.

4) Neil has taken on the responsibility of cooking AND cleaning up dinner for two nights in a row. How awesome is that?

5) Last night the eye doctor dilated both my eyes, however one eye un-dilated after a few hours and the other one didn't. I couldn't stop staring at my eyes in the mirror because having one giant pupil made me look like a super freak and I liked it.

6) The highlight of my day, is staying up in order to watch the bad girls club tonight.

7) I am sad that I have bangs, because no one will see the bindi I plan to wear at the Indian wedding reception I am going to.

8)I can't believe what a bunch a douche bags we elected into congress. And the senate sucks ass. I hate Nancy Pelosi. I think the porn star who is trying to run would do a better job as speaker of the house!

9) I can subconsciously feel my IUD all the time.

10) I feel like I am on the verge of becoming one hell of a crafty bitch.

11) I think if I was someone else, I would be friends with me.

12) My dreams are really exhausting. Sometimes I wake up tired because my dreams wear me out!

13) I heart Iris Medlen, one could not ask for a better work wife.

14) I think that George Bush cost MS sufferers eight years of valuable stem cell research and for that I hate him the most!

15) I would give up having big breasts for a big booty any day!

16) Even though everyone thinks I am joking, I really do want to have Yoshi stuffed and mounted after he dies. Yes, I am that obsessed with him.

17) Speaking of death, when I die, I want my friends to throw a huge party. With lots of good music and lot's of dancing. I want pictures and flowers EVEYWHERE and I want EVERYONE to say a long eulogy about how awesome I was. Ohh and I think it should be a potluck as well. A vegetarian potluck.

18) It really bothers me that pigs are smart enough to play video games. I ate a fair amount of pork in my youth.

19) More strangers read my blog, then my friends do. My friends aren't very interested in my life, however strangers are. I think that is weird.

20) I hate Facebook, but I use it anyway because all of my friends are using it now. I am indeed a follower.

21) No matter how hard I try, I can't seem to shed my hippy roots. Damn you mother.

22) I have a strange obsession with Ted Haggarty.

23) I am afraid of electricity and plane crashes.

24) Cockroaches don't bother me in the least. When I see them creeping around my house, I talk to them.

25) The moment I start to take life too seriously is the moment I start contemplating suicide.

26) I have a tendency to confess things that I feel guilty about to random people at inappropriate times. I think it is the secret Catholic in me.

tick tock

2009-02-09T12:21:00.000-08:00

I haven't sleeping well at night. Which is strange, because my usual problem is that I sleep too well and have a problem staying awake. I tossed and turned all night last night. Now today I can barely keep my eyes open. I was also up late working on my lesson plan for my education class. I am presenting it tomorrow night and, boy am I nervous. I can't wait till tomorrow night is over! I hate presentations.

I have an eye exam today. I get one every year. They always tell me I have 20/20 vision. I may have 20/20 vision, however I can't see worth a CR**. The frustrating part is that I don't have a problem with my eyes, I have a problem with the nerve receptors which picks up what the eye sees. Therefore, glasses can't help. I know this and I go to these darn eye exams anyway, hoping that there will be some magic prescription that will fix everything.

The weekend flew by. The hockey game was alright. Neither team even scored a goal till the last 10 mins of the game and then Tampa won with a 1 point. It was 1/0. Before the game Neil and I had the most delicious dinner at Bone Fish Grill. It wasn't sushi, but Neil did have rare tuna. I had these delicious tacos made with their bang , bang shrimp. Bang, bang shrimp are now my new favorite thing next to pickles and chocolate milk (and salt and vinegar chips). After the hockey game we met up with some friends at a downtown bar called the Hub.

Sunday was filled with a tasty brunch, the movie Coraline and lots of homework.

I have a lot of my plate right now, per usual. I am trying to sell some software by day, become the world's best teacher by night, make an MS documentary, bring my friend's dance performance to Tampa, sustain a social life, and be a semi good girlfriend.

I think willing the lottery or finding a magic genie bottle would make the latter, much more manageable.

Today starts the five week countdown to the next campath infusion.

on a more positive note, it is breathtakingly beautiful outside today! Iris and I walked on lunch and at one point I had to stop and take in the beauty of the day. it is amazing the effect that good weather can have on one's day.

I have been very visual lately. I want to surround myself with beauty. Pretty things make me happy.

I have also felt pretty positive about life, even though things looks dark and depressing ( aka the plummeting economy and soaring unemployment rate)

Maybe it is because tonight is a full moon.

Which means that after my eye exam and homework, Neil and I are going to have to get naked and run around in the back yard!

Boring housewife blog.

2009-02-07T11:10:00.000-08:00

I just spent the entire morning cleaning. I raked up huge mountains of leaves. I cleaned the back patio off, I windexed the house from top to bottom. I vacuumed every dust bunny in hiding. I cleaned the bathrooms and I scrubbed the couch. I am currently on my second load of laundry and I am about to give Miso a bath. Boy am I pooped, I have no idea why I have been on such a cleaning spree the last few weeks. All I really have on my "to do" list is to clean my car, clean the front yard, plant some plants in the back, and organize the laundry room. THAT'S IT! In a way I think I am trying to get all of this done before the Campath infusion. Last time I was stuck in the house for a few days and it made me really depressed. Plus, I won't have any energy to clean or organize for a good week after the campath. I sort of feel like I am nesting in preparation.

The house it quiet now, Neil is off riding bikes with his friend. After i give Miso a bath, I have to hope in the shower myself so that I can get ready for date night. Umm sushi and hockey.. what a combo.

I think I gave myself a blister from raking , and I also think I need a nap.

It is already 2:30pm, where the hell did the day go?

Sigh, I love the weekends!

One hour and 45 mins left.

2009-02-06T12:13:00.000-08:00

One hour and 45 mins left, until my weekend starts ! Yes, I officially live for weekends, like all other blue collar Americans! And let me tell you, I can't wait for this weekend!

For at least five of my last blogs, I have been complaining about needed to incorporate more fun into my life. Well, I finally broke down and scheduled some much needed fun for this weekend ...and I can't wait. Tonight I am doing some obligatory family stuff and helping my aunt prepare for a garage sale tomorrow. However, tomorrow night is date night for Neil and I. For months now, I have been wanting to plan a date night; however, every time I try , something else comes along and forces me to cancel.

Not this weekend though, no sirey Bob. This weekend I have mostly devoted the entire weekend to some much needed fun for both me and my snuggle bunny ( <----- ohh yes I did). I am keeping our plans for Saturday night a surprise from Neil, but I managed to score (and by score, I mean pay a lot of money for ) some awesome hockey seats. Keep in mind that I am a huge fan of hockey, in fact it is one of the only sports I actually like. Neil and I have only been to one hockey game together and it wasn't the best experience. Last time, we had found some tickets from a scalper (last minute) and we over payed for some really crappy seats. This time however, I got center seats, 15 rows from the ice. I also managed to get a parking pass thrown in for the price of the tickets, so we actually get to park in a fancy lot right next to the Ice Palace. I am so excited! I think Neil will like hockey a whole lot more when he can actually see what is going on and feel the excitement. Of course it is the same night as Gasparilla.

For anyone who doesn't know Gasparilla is Tampa's excuse for having (yet another) parade where people commit retarded drunken debauchery. The whole parade is focused around pirate invasions, and they re-enact the invasions all along Bayshore. Bayshore is the ritzy park of town that over looks the Tampabay. Leave it to Tampa to celebrate a time when pirates invaded us raping, killing and stealing whatever they could find.. yea death, now let's get a BEER! Unfortunately, the parade starts in downtown and closes off most of the roads. The Ice Palace is downtown. However, I called today and security assured me that Gasparilla will not affect the hockey game. So keep your fingers crossed for us.

I am trying to decided if I can somehow manage to sneak in some fake hotdogs, so that Neil and I can re-create the whole hockey, hot dogs, and cheap beer cliche that I have come to know and love. Part of the plan is to treat Neil to a yummy sushi dinner before the game, but maybe we can save some room!

Sunday , we are going to try and see some friends who are driving in from Orlando, and then we are going to see Coraline. Coraline is the new stop-animation film by Tim Burton which is in 3D. I stumbled upon a documentary outlining the making of the film, and I have been obsessed with seeing it EVER SINCE! In fact I tackled Neil in a fit of excitement earlier this week, after the commercial came on, highlighting the release date as this weekend! The movie looks BAD - ASS!

Somewhere amongst all merry making , I have to find time for some serious homework ( I have my lesson plan presentation Tuesday, and I am scared as hell) and my normal weekend chores <------- yuck! But i actually get to have some fun! ( at least I hope so).

Wow, between writing this blog and making phone calls, an hour has passed.. so now it is down to a one hour countdown!

(note to self-------->)I spend way too much of my life counting away the hours until the good times start!

P.S

2009-02-03T13:30:00.001-08:00

BTW I got an IUD and just in case you were wondering. IUDs REALLY HURT!

Not fun!

a series of hurdles

2009-02-03T12:22:00.001-08:00

ahhhh, life has been sooooooooo BUSY!

school has certainly kicked things up a notch. I am over loaded with mad amounts of homework. And although I totally hate working and going to school, I am slightly enjoying this semester. I guess that maybe I finally picked a good major :)

Neil and I were toying with the idea of moving to CA last week. I have been resistant to move till after I finish my first round of school, but lately I have been so bored in my hometown that I was willing to suck it up and move away, even if it meant out of state tuition! However in researching schools, I have realized that no where else offers a bachelors in education, they all only offer masters degrees. Which means if we moved to another state, I would have to get my bachelors in something else, then do teacher training and then state certify. Which means 2 more years of school and then a 9 month training period. If I wait and get my bachelors here, my teaching degree would allow me to teach in 42 other states and all I would have to do is pass the state's certification exam. Long story short, it looks like we are stuck here another 2 years or so. booo hooo!

Speaking of college, boy does USF make you jump through hoops just to get into the college of education. If I told you want I have been through this week, you wouldn't believe me. I don't understand why everything has to be so friggin complicated. Pre-advising, post advising, and cross student advising. A different person for each question, and can anybody takes less than two days to respond to an email? ugghhh!!

Jumping through hoops suck, but I must have gotten pretty good at it because I am on fire this week. I am the task master queen. I can't believe how much you can accomplish when you pretty much give up your social life and devote yourself to your goals. Do I sound like an infomercial yet?

I did manage to get a little social excitement Saturday. First I met up with Chip, Jonah and Jenn and went to my friend Bobbi's punk rock craft fair at the skate park. It was pretty rad and I got some cool things without breaking the bank. Next Jenn and I booked it back to her house for our own craft night which she organized ( great job Jenn). A small crowd showed up (there were only five of us), however five was the perfect number. We made some really cute jewelry out of old buttons and some plant holders. During craft night, I tried to force feed vegetarian chili to everyone who would sit still. Vegetarian chili was my contribution to craft night. Apparently the chili was very tasty but also a little too spicy ( I personally like it spicy). All and all, craft night turned out to be a relaxing way to spend a Saturday evening. Especially since Chip made us ladies some very tasty sangria. Too bad I am seriously like an old person and fell asleep shortly after I made it home around 8:30. Sunday I some how managed to avoid all of the super bowl madness by doing a mountain of homework and cleaning the hell out of my house. I am so organized that it is scary..

As far as my blooming career in sales, it looks like I may be losing my job (again). No one wants to buy software in a failing economy. This will be the third time in five years that I have lost a job and I am slightly tired of being laid off, hence why becoming a teacher is all the more appealing. Although, with Florida's budget cuts in education even teaching doesn't sound that safe anymore.

Although I have gotten a ton of stuff done by giving up my social life, I am about to have to switch gears and put on my social graces because not only is are the next two months birthday madness (which is what you get when everyone you know is a Pisces or Aquarius) but it is also wedding/ baby shower craziness as well. Two of Neil friends, Kenny and Shilem, are getting married. Kenny's wedding should be a pretty wild party! We rented a fancy hotel for the night of the wedding which also happens to be on Valentine's day. Maybe we can kill two birds with one stone, if you know what I am saying! ( wink, wink)

On the other hand Shilem's wedding is going to be the Indian event of the century. ( Shilem's father is a Tampa HUGE philanthropist) I think probably every Indian in town will be there. Now don't get me wrong Indians know how to party. At the last Indian reception I went to , the DJ had to shut the sound system off , just to get people off the dance floor. However, I am trying to prepare myself for the number of Indian stink eyes that I am most likely to get at the reception. At Neil's sister reception, it was mostly the older crowd who openly gave me the stank eye. The younger crowd was pretty friendly although I did get the same list of questions over and over.

I must say , I am seriously looking forward to the food at both events. I love to see what people serve at weddings. Strange huh?

Tonight is school night which means I don't get home till 10:00pm at night. Which makes it a 14.5 hour long day since I leave my cozy little home at 7:30am. By the time I get home, I have enough energy to change, wash my face and pop a chip into my mouth until I pass out in the bed. Maybe if I am lucky, I'll have enough energy to stay up and watch " The Bad Girl's Club" cause they have a knew little skank in the house and I can't wait to see what drama she stirs up!

Warning: gross graphic details

2009-01-26T06:32:00.000-08:00

Last week was one of the hardest weeks ever. Some how I managed to come down with the worst stomach flu in existence. I have my suspicions of where it came from (damn child's birthday party) but it doesn't really matter. What does matter is that it almost killed me. For five days straight, I puked up and pooped my brains out. I couldn't hold anything down. My doctors ordered IVs to keep me hydrated and threatened hospitalization. Things got so drastic that I was really worried I was going to die. I even asked my doctor to pray for me. It was ugly! Poor Neil came down with a milder case of the same illness. However, since I was so bad off, he had to suck it up and take care of me. I think at one point, I lost my mind completely. But thanks to my primary doctor and some serious drugs (a stomach opiate), I was able to recover.

It's so crazy that something like that can come along and sweep you off your ass. I lost out on a week of work, and had to use the PTO which I had saved; in order to use the week I have to miss during my next campath infusion. I lost out on a week of school. My house turned into a disaster zone - Poor Neil kept on top of it as much as he could, but the house was clouded with sickness. I had to cancel my camping trip :( and my stomach muscles are still bruised from throwing up so much!

So instead of camping (which I had been SO EXCITED about), I spent the entire weekend playing catch up. I didn't get to be social or do anything fun. I just cleaned like a mad person and did homework. It was sad actually.

So it is Monday. I am back at work. I feel mostly alive, which is awesome. But I still have a mountain of things I need to do just to get back in the game. I feel depressed and over whelmed. I am hoping that by the end of the week, I will be back up to speed completely, but I doubt it will leave me any energy for the weekend. And I really need some energy. I also need some fun. I have been fun deprived. And all work and no play, makes Jessica a grumpy girl.

Well that is about the extent of my existence right now. Hopefully tomorrow I will have a more uplifting blog.

is it possible to eat too much salad?

2009-01-08T12:02:00.000-08:00

Because that is all I ate for lunch and now my tummy is VERY upset.

I guess it doesn't help that I just confirmed the date of my next campath infusion with my doctor. The confirmation officially sealed the deal. I had really convinced myself that the idea of facing campath this year would be easier. Last year I had no idea what to expect. It was all scary, uncharted territory. But this year I know the drill. I know how horrible the experience will be, I know how awful I will feel. Just the memory makes me dread each day that brings the date closer. I try to be positive about it, I survived. It wasn't so bad. Everyday people go through things that are 400 times worse. But it doesn't seem to help me feel any better. Last year at least Kristin and I were in it together. Miserable together. But this year our infusions are scheduled almost three weeks apart and it feels scarier facing it alone.

Usually during anything medical, I just shut down. It seems to be the only way I can handle it. I remember that before I was diagnosed with MS, I used to dread the idea of getting cancer or anything which would turn me into a lab rat. I used to see people lying in hospitals with needles in them and I'd shudder and think to myself " how can they endure that?" It was my biggest fear. Of course I should have know that life has a way of throwing your biggest fears at you. Which, maybe in some ways, is a good thing.

After I got diagnosed, it was a whirlwind. MRI's, steroids, failed IV attempts, weekly injections, and unending tests. Mix that with trying to accept that my whole world has just changed , compounded by trying to balance friends and families reactions; well it just turned me into a complete zombie. I stumbled through life for the first couple of months, in a daze. I had to stop myself from crying inappropriately and laughing when nothing was funny. I barely noticed the medical professionals who helped me. I was too busy in my own head trying to figure everything out. It was weird.

These days in situations which are unpleasant, I find myself going to the same place. I guess it could call it a happy place, only it's not so happy. It is more like a safe place. It is a place, inside my head, where I am more of a spectator of my life than an actual participant. I can feels things which connect me to the situation but I find a way to turn myself off to the experience as a whole. I was never able to do that before I was diagnosed. I was never able to turn anything off.

I know that once I get into my doctor's office the first morning of the scheduled infusion, I will go to my safe place. I know I will turn on some head phones, take a deep breath, close my eyes and try not to feel the pain as the IV needle enters my arm. I know I will barely communicate to the people around me as the mixture of poison's enter my body. I know I will have a hard time explaining how I feel because I will have disconnected myself so far away from experience. I also know that as much as I will LONG for the comfort of my friends and family , i will be too exhausted and emotionally unavailable to really notice if it is there. Although I will notice if it is not there.

Meanwhile, until I reach that "safe place" I will worry and fret about the upcoming infusion. I know I shouldn't and that worrying is wasted emotion. It won't change anything, in fact, it will only make things worse. But it's so hard not to dread something so unpleasant in my immediate future.

On most normal days , I can close my eyes to the reality of my situation. I can put on a happy face and pretend like everything is okay. I can pretend that I am not that sick and the numbness that slowly spreads over my body is temporary and no big deal. I can discount all of my symptoms and lead a semi normal life. However when i am trapped in a chair, in a medical facility, with needles and tubes connected to my body and people in white coats prodding me and poking me, reality is pushes in and I am helpless. My mind screams "I AM SICK, I HAVE MS and IT SUCKS." There is no comfort, no relief. The only salvation is the emptiness of my safe place.

On a more positive note ( see how moody I am ?), I think I am finally out of my new year funk. Last night and today, I have actually felt semi motivated and I have been eating well and incorporating exercise into my day. Not to mention that today is Thursday. Although I do have a class on Saturday, so the weekend doesn't look as shiny as it once did. I reserved a camping spot for 01/24 and so far it looks like there will be 8 of us going ( I am so freaking excited). I think that if I have a free weekend in the next few months, that I would like to drive to Atlanta or even Savannah. I am really dying to go to new Orleans, but I don't think I can handle a 11 hour drive ...

hope my post wasn't too dark...

I totally want one of these for my birthday :)

2009-01-07T12:26:00.001-08:00

http://www.cafepress.com/diseaseduds/3027143

my nails are crumbling one by one

2009-01-07T09:28:00.000-08:00

The past two days have been blah days for me. I can't seem to get motivated and I have been in a rather pissy mood. Both Monday and Tuesday nights, I have fallen dead asleep at a ridiculously early hour. It is not the 2009 start I had hoped for. But that's okay. Life can't always be a bed of roses I guess.

Friday Niel and I have some couch surfers coming. We had a lovely couple from Germany come for one night last Sunday. This Friday we have three different people coming. One from Chile, One from Poland and an another one from France. In case you don't know what couch surfers are, allow me to explain. http://www.couchsurfing.com/ is a website where people who travel can find people around the world willing to host them for free and vice versa. We found the site when our friends Jessica and Andrew traveled around the Mediterranean middle east. They came back raving about couchsurfing.com; and since Neil and I have a beautiful guest room and an adventurous nature, we decided to sign up and see what it was about. So far, we have hosted twice and met some other couchsurfers out in other countries. Every experience has been rewarding and interesting. I must admit, at first I was a little leary about letting strangers into my house. However the couch surfers I have encountered have been better guests then any of my own friends. It is a great way to network and meet people internationally. There is a common respect for culture, adventure, sharing and political diversity which is refreshing in this day and age. You can choose to host or not to host based on the request and the member's profile. And of course everyone leaves feedback for one another. I must say that it is the best social networking site I have joined so far. I can't wait to be hosted the next time we travel.

I am trying to plan a camping trip for 01/17. I have only been camping once and it was a rough experience, but one I loved non the less. Unfortunately I personally have to wait for the weather to turn cooler before I can camp. The camp site I was hoping to go to is full that weekend , which means I have to pick another weekend or another camp site. The idea of getting back to nature, canoeing, and cooking over a camp fire gives me strange childlike excitement. I'd like to get a decent size group going, however I'd be happy even if it just ends up being me and Neil.

I officially start school tomorrow. I take my first intro to education class. Geeze I hope I like it. I certainly can not afford to change my major AGAIN. Not to mention I have gotten pretty excited about the idea of teaching. Although, I will technically be working for the "man", I feel like I will (in a way) be my own boss, in charge of my own class room and helping children get excited about learning. I am sure I am romanticizing it.

So it's hump day, I fell asleep last night before my coveted episode of bad girls club and hopefully the DVR recorded it , so that I have something to look forward to tonight.

going for a walk now.

post dated new years resolutions

2009-01-06T06:46:00.000-08:00

Things are finally calming down after the new year. All the out of town guests are gone, holiday decorations are down and I start school on Thursday. The new year was extremely fun. It was awesome to be around people I have known for over half my life. Zoe came into town and sort of brought everyone together. It was drunken debauchery. However, I paid the price of partying for days.

I have been extra emotional lately. Not in bad ways per say. But over all, I feel things more deeply than I usually do. Yesterday I had an especially bad day. However , I was determined to turn the day around. When I got home, I started trying to relax and ended up slightly wasted instead. It turned out to be a good thing because Neil and I ended up having an at home dance party , spinning records and taking silly pictures in the guest room for hours. It was fun. And more importantly, I managed to turn my frown upside down. During our the makeshift party at home, I started some internal analysis and came up with some "new" New Year's resolutions.

My biggest "new" resolution is to have more fun in my life. As I get older, the idea of fun becomes more and more distant. Obligations and responsibilities become the focus and "fun" falls on the back burner. I get so caught up on what I have to do and all that I accomplish that I forget to "smell the roses". Instead of worrying about being late in the morning on the way to work, I would rather appreciate the sunrise and the beauty of the morning. Instead of wasting my evening stressing about my work day; I'd rather kick on some socks, put on a groovy record and dance my heart out. I want to incorporate things into my weekends that I enjoy like canoeing or camping. If it means I have to miss a birthday party here or a graduation there, then so be it. I love my friends and family but I just can't do everything for everyone else. I need to take some time for myself and my happiness. I think with a little work and an attitude adjustment, I can balance the two nicely.

The second resolution I made sounds juvenile, but has a deeper context. I decided I need to be less "snobby". Generally I am pretty open minded when it comes to people. I don't judge people based on color, sexual preference, social class or other common divides. I do however judge people based on silly things like personal style, political stances, astrological signs and/or religious preferences. I admit it, I am biased against Christian fundamentalists and republicans. And god forbid you have bad hair. I think I built up this "snobbery" as a defense mechanism. I am ultra sensitive, and I take disappointment very seriously. I have to have an initial filtration system. I usually decide in the first few mins in I like someone one or not. If I get good vibes, you are golden. If I get bad vibes, good luck ever getting close to me. You are pretty much doomed.

Now while I am sure this "filtration" has saved me a lot of wasted time and energy, I think maybe I am missing out on crucial pieces of the puzzle here. I will always be choosy about who I let close to me, that will never change. But I think I need to dig a little deeper before I decide who is worthy of my time and who isn't. I mean I am trying to understand that "we are all one" and that we are all connected. All people, in some way or another, are a manifestation of myself right? Therefore I should be more open minded and give people more of a chance. That is unless they meet my openness with ignorance and/or constant negativity. I need to stay away from negative energy. But I think I can remove myself without passing judgment. That is the key.

I also feel restless lately. I am bored with the complete humdrum of my life. Thank goodness for Neil, he keeps life bearable, interesting and fun. I am hoping school shakes things up a bit and makes life exciting again. I need some challenges. Good challenges that inspire me and encourage positive growth. I also think I need a visit to the physic. And maybe a witch doctor, does anyone who a person who does curse removal? I think my mother put too many curses on me as a child growing up and now I need a karma cleansing. Childhood curses are a hazard of being descended from witchy Italian women.

It is the new year people, and I don't feel any different..... yet!

Goodbye 2008, Hello 2009.

2008-12-31T07:40:00.000-08:00

Wow 2009 already?
Where does the time go?
I remember being 14 years old and calculating that by the year 2000, I would be 22 years old. I also remember thinking " geeze, that is old". Now it is ten years later and I am in my thirties. Geeze I am old ;)

Well 2008 was a rough year , as was 2007, 2006 and 2005. This January will be the third year anniversary of my MS diagnosis. Funny, it seems so long ago.

Usually I have a theme for each year. I know that sounds cheesy, but my mother has always taken New Year's very serious and I think I inherited that from her. Every year, I make a detailed list with at least 25 resolutions. One year my theme was education and that year I enrolled in college. One year it was spiritual growth, the next year it was my health.

I can't think of a theme this year. Maybe it should just be happiness and appreciating what I have.

That is something I feel the need to continually work on.

Even though I tried my hardest not to stress myself out this year. It has been unavoidable. And now as of 12/31/08 I am totally drained and over extended. I guess I should have tried to take some PTO and rested. But I will have to take three days in April for my next chemo infusion and I need to save my PTO days.

Even though I am out of energy , I feel very excited about tonight and the new year.

I have three parties on my agenda for this evening, and I am going to try and attend all of them. I am dragging poor Jenn and Chip along with me. Maybe I will bride them with free whiskey.

Okay so here goes my 2009 resolutions.

1)I will learn to manage my stress better.

2)I will be more considerate of other people's feelings

3)I will be more positive

4)I will exercise more

5)I will spend less and save more (<-------- hard one )

6)I will live more in the moment

Yup that is about it.

I don't want to set the bar too high this year. Really I am just focused on getting through school. I can only see that goal in front on me now.

I hope this a better year for everyone. And I hope everyone has a safe new year!

2008-12-24T09:40:00.000-08:00

Dear Zack,
It has been a while since I wrote you a letter. Every letter that I write you just seems so repetitive, like there is nothing new to say. It is x-mas eve and you are on my mind. I always think about you more during the holidays. Probably because every holiday with you was so special. I think I still have every gift you ever gave me :) It has been six years now, since you died. A lot has changed. Melissa had a baby and got married. Can you believe that? Everyone has grown up so much. And it is not just our friends who have changed, the whole world has changed. How I wish you could see it all. You've missed so much. Or have you? Maybe you are here somewhere, experiencing it as a toddler; In another body, in another life. Either way I wanted to know that we bought you some Y-bor pavers. That's right, your name is historically memorialized forever. I knew how pleased you'd be about that. My little superstar. We even bought you three stars for all of your stage names ;) It was hard to decide where to have them put, but I know you'd like the location. In a way, I guess it is a x-mas gift to you.

I keep waiting for your loss to get easier, I mean for god sake's it has been six years. but it just seems to get harder. I feel like I miss you more and more with each passing day. If it is even possible to miss you more.I guess, I feel like your legacy is fading slowly and that I am losing you more and more as the time passes. The other day, I realized that I only keep in touch with a handful of people who even know who you were.

An although my hearts hurts every time I think of you and I have to fight my hardest to hold back the tears, every memory of you leaves a smile on my face. Every silly thing you did and every moment we shared is a piece of treasured happiness. I still think back to the many private jokes and phrases we coined. You were so naughty some times but in such a delicious way. Like a huge piece of cheesecake.

I miss you my Moondoggy, you and your poopy diaper face :) I wish you were here, giving me strength, holding my hand, and making me laugh.

Merry Christmas my love, where ever you are!

when you are starving, even the holidays seem glum

2008-12-23T10:22:00.000-08:00

work feels like torture today. Every min ticks by painfully. My day is only half way done and I'm not sure how I am going to muster up the ability to make it for another 3.5 hours. I can imagine that tomorrow is only going to be worse. Not to mention, I have a feeling I am going to be stuck here till 5:00pm tomorrow.

why are desk jobs so soul crushing?

Luckily for Neil, his company closed the office until New Years and he gets to work from home. I am seething with jealousy. I can't imagine how nice it must be to work from home. Sure, you still have to work, but you can do it in your pajamas. You don't have to deal with rush hour traffic or show a pleasant face to co-workers when in reality you are tired and grumpy. Ahh, freedom from the florescent lights.

Aside from work negativity, things are status quo. Neil and I have a pretty low key x-mas planned. My agenda this year was to keep December as stress free as possible, and so far it has worked. Well except for the post office. The post office is stressing me out. I think they have some secret personal vendetta against me. They have botched three important packages I sent out. One is in limbo, one was destroyed and one was delivered to the wrong address. Nice huh?

Do I sound a little grumpy? Well it is probably because I am starving to death. Sunday I watched some national geographic show on obesity. It was just disturbing enough to motivate me to kick my diet (my perpetual diet that is) up a notch. So, for the past two days, I have popping diet pills, starving myself and walking a couple miles a day. I know, I know... that doesn't sound much healthier than being over weight, But I just need a couple weeks of boot camp mentality to get my discipline level back up.

of course I have delusions of grandeur and envision myself losing like forty lbs, but truth be told, I would be ecstatic with a mere twenty pounds. For a year I have been battling a stubborn eight pounds I gained last March during my Campath infusion. I am tried of my clothes being extra tight. It is either buy a whole new wardrobe, or starve for a few weeks. And since we are times of a "talked about" depression, I am going to have to go with option number two. My first goal, ten pounds, after that , we will go in increments of 10. it should be easy right? Eat less, move more. All I can say is I am having ugly sugar withdrawals already and I think I dreamed about french fries all night last night.

okay so now I am just rambling in an attempt to kill time. But it is my blog damnit, and I can do that if I want to. The sad thing is that I have not killed very much time and I still have THREE HOURS LEFT! AUUUUGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Okay I am done for now.

I am going to go work and fantasize about checkers fries.

Umm seasoned fries.

It's beginning to look a lot like x-mas

2008-12-17T07:34:00.000-08:00

I know…… it has been a LONG time since I’ve written. I am a naughty, naughty girl. But honestly, it has been a whirlwind since Neil and I got back from Colorado. Where to start? I guess I will start with the obvious. X-mas. Even though I have been boycotting Christmas this year , it has still managed to consume a good portion of my time. Between the gifts I have agreed to get, sending things out, and holiday parties, I am exhausted. However, I am officially done with all of my holiday shopping!!! Whoo hoo!!! This year, I made a conscious effort to minimize my obligations, to stay organized and to get everything done as early as possible. That way, if I ran out of steam, I would still be ahead of the game.

So last weekend was a super interesting weekend. Friday evening after work, Neil and I drove out to Oldsmar with some friends in order to see Gus Van Stant’s new movie Milk. I have been dying to see the movie ever since I heard it was being made. Especially since I had learned of the Harvey Milk story about a year before they announced the making of the film. I don’t remember how I stumbled upon Milk’s story, but I do remember crying as I read the details. I also remember thinking “ someone should make this into a movie”. On top of the compelling story, I have always been intrigued by Gus Van Stant. He is such an interesting director. Some of his movies I have LOVED, Some of his movies I have strongly disliked and some of his movies have just left me saying “ what the hell?” So I was extremely curious to see what he was going to do with this movie. When I found out that he had cast Sean Penn in the lead role, I realized that he had created the recipe for an Oscar nomination. Sean Penn in an amazing actor. The film Dead Man Walking single-handedly helped me form my opinion on the death penalty when I was a mere child.

It was really frustrating that the only theater within a 100 mile radius showing this film was out in Oldsmar. It took Neil and I an hour to get there. When we did get there, the parking lot was PACKED. It took us at least another 15 mins to park and walk to the theater. Of course the theater they decided to show it in was WAY to small for the excited crowd, so even though Neil and I got there 10 mins before showing all of the seats were filled. Neil and I had to sit in the very front row. I HATE THE FRONT ROW. But I guess we should be glad we even got a seat at all considering some people had to sit on the steps in order to watch the movie.

The movie itself was beautifully done. It was semi documentary style, mixed with beautiful cinematography and phenomenal acting. Sean Penn blew my sock off. For those of you know don’t know, Harvey Milk was first openly gay man to be elected to political office in 1970’s San Francisco. He was elected in a time when cops still openly attacked gay people and civil rights were something you had to die for. His story gives it’s viewers a real understanding of the discrimination gay people faced in the 60’s and 70’s and how hard they had to fight for equal rights. Harvey Milk was a hero and like all heroes , his story ends in tragedy. Milk and the mayor of San Fran were murdered by a crazy , christian, co-supervisor of elections named Dan White. I don’t think you can watch the movie without realizing the similarities between the attitude of gay rights in the 70’s and the gay right’s attitudes of today. There was even a right wing Christian woman named Anita Bryant who reminded me of Sarah Palin. The movie does a stellar job of illustrating how important it is to fight for basic human rights for all people; and that even a small group of people can change the world with fierce dedication, passion, courage and refusal to quit. The movie was beautiful, sad, poignant, inspirational , and riveting. It made you want to walk out of the theater and start a riot. Not to mention you get to see Sean Penn make out with men. A LOT. All of the supporting actors did a fantastic job as well. I really hope that everyone gets a chance to see the movie.

After the movie had finished , I asked to speak to the manager of theater. I wanted to know why this movie was only playing in one movie theater in the bay area and why they had chosen to show it in such a tiny theater. The manager was very nice and explained that there were only a few copies of the film released, due to studio funding, and that the theater had to bid to even get the movie. She also said that this was the first night that the movie had been showed after they had seen the over whelming response, she was having it moved it a larger theater. I was satisfied enough with her answer not to push the subject further although I still felt like it was a bit of a cop out. After we left the movie theater, Neil and I went home and relaxed at home for the rest of the night. Like old people.

Saturday I dragged poor Neil to the WMNF holiday Bizarre located in Y-bor at the old Cuban Club. WMNF is a local non- corporate radio station, funded solely by its listeners. Every year they a have a book and record sale, mixed with crafty vendors who come in and sell their goods. I have gone about 5 years in a row. Neil and I both spent a long time shifting through the used records and books. Then we steered our way through three floors of vendors selling everything from patchouli incense to homemade hot sauce.

After a few hours at the bizarre, Neil was starving so we went to eat lunch at Tampa Bay Brewing company. On the way to the restaurant, I stopped outside Czar to take pictures of some street pavers that I had engraved for my dear departed friend Zack Prince. A few months ago, I organized raising $240.00 for three pavers on Y-bor’s “ Walk of Fame”to memorialize Zack, since he was he has no grave site. I had gotten a call a few days earlier telling me that they had been engraved and were finished. It was emotional to see them. As I looked at the pavers I felt conflicting emotions, on one hand, I felt a rush of accomplishment for actually doing something to honor Zack. However, one the other hand; it was a bitter sweet emotion mixed with the heartbreak of realizing, yet again, that he is really gone.

Saturday night, Neil and I drove over to St.Petersburg for our friend’s holiday/white elephant party. It was actually a lovely party with an interesting mix of people. The white elephant exchange was fun and low key. I actually got something I wanted ( Thanks Jenn) and aside from a small amount of intoxicated drama, with I quickly helped to de-escalate, everyone had a really fun night. I was a very good girl and only had three shots of tequila per Neil’s request. Normally once I start tequila shots, I can’t stop and I end up wasted, but this time I paced myself and acted responsibly. All the people I wanted to see were in attendance, and looking gorgeous. The house had a warm glow of candles, yummy aromas and good music. We all took turns chatting about their lives, and giggling our way through the evening. . The party on the whole, was just what the doctor ordered.

Sunday was a bit of a blur, Neil and I went to his families for lunch and then I spent the rest of the evening catching up on chores I had negated.

So far this week has dragged by slow and steady. I am glad it’s hump day. I am ready for a fun filled weekend of nothing but rest and relaxation. I have a work party Friday and one last holiday party Saturday night.

I start school again school and I am partially excited and partially put off. I love school, however working and going to school kills me.

Things are pretty good and peaceful.

I hope everyone has a happy holiday , whatever it is you celebrate.

Thanks for reading.

Harvey Milk

no brain cells left

2008-12-08T12:25:00.000-08:00

I want to blog but my brain is mush...

after a weekend head-cold and three months of insane activity, I am officially exhausted.

therefore I will spit out incomplete, bland and/or simple thoughts; in attempt to catch you up to date.

Here we go!

Denver rocked!

My sister and her family are funny, crazy, unique, brilliant, talented and kooky . Obviously we must be related.

Snow is not as cold as I thought.

Three days of straight snow does get old though.

Denver is on the " maybe we will move here" list now.

I really do enjoy aquariums. Especially on snowy days.

Denver's art museum is one of the best museums I have ever been to.

Mountains make me feel almost as spiritual as the beach does.

My boyfriend is the best travel partner a girl could ask for, and he can make even a tiny guest room the most romantic place on earth.

I think Colorado has to be even better in the summer.

Always take an extra day off of work to recover from a vacation.

Head colds suck..

getting sick on your last free weekend sucks even worse.

I am lame and boring when I am sick.

Watching the Britney Spears 'For The Record' was a cold-medicine induced mistake.

Even I- can not look away from, the train wreck - which is Britney Spears.

Britney Spears is dumb as a rock! Although, that doesn't stop me from feeling sorry for her, not does feeling sorry for her , stop me from proclaiming "Britney Spears is dumb as a rock".

Just when I thought I was done with weddings, Neil got invited to two of his friends' weddings, both are in February. I am just excited that we get to go as guests. Being a guest at a wedding is not half as stressful as being in a wedding. One of the weddings is an Indian reception. Neil's mother has already decided what she wants me to wear. I have decided if I am going to wear it or not.

I started a diet. Neil laughed at my starting a diet, because he knows I am HORRIBLE at dieting. I was not offended. He's right.

Neil's family is funny when you force them to play board games. They are all sort of competitive. Now I understand where he gets it. The other night at dinner, I almost felt like part of the family instead of the "tolerated white girlfriend". That was a surprisingly nice feeling.

I am think I am starting to really enjoy Indian food. Especially Neil's mother's cooking. but don't tell her , or she will make us take home more left overs.

My boyfriend is indeed the cookie monster.. it has taken me 4.25 years to learn this.
Watch your cookies around him.

Aries are just as manipulative as Cancers, only they are much less subtle about it.

Sometimes you just have to let go, trust people and expose yourself to risk of getting hurt.

I can't control everything and that sucks!

Sometimes, I have to bite the bullet and be the bigger person. That sucks too.

I like Sundays more than Saturdays. That surprises me.

Boycotting x-mas makes December wayyyy more fun.

Everyone I know seems to think I'd make a fantastic teacher. And I agree.

For the first time in my life, I am really learning how to take things day by day and I am learning to enjoy the journey as a whole. Avoiding drama helps. Weekend and morning snuggle also helps.

I think my cat is dying. She is super old and doesn't look so good. I think I should feed her all the wet cat food she wants.

I am shih tzu crazy and I can't stop myself from trying to adopt more.

I am done with this blog!

Hopefully my brain will recover sometime this week!

I think I need to join overeaters annoymous

2008-11-25T10:59:00.000-08:00

Two days before Thanksgiving and work is sort of slow. With the deflating economy and the impending holidays, no on seems all that interested in purchasing software. Neil and I leave for Denver in less than 47 hours. This is our 8th trip together. So far, I have been pretty good about getting prepared early.

Normally I wait til the last min and then stress myself out getting ready, therefore condemning myself to spend the entire vacation exhausted. Not this time though, no sir. It's suppose to pretty cold in Denver while we are there, and I am nervous - yet excited - at the same time. I hope my clothes are warm enough and I hope I enjoy the cold weather as much as I think I do. I wonder if it will actually snow. It has been a trillion years since I have played in real snow. Neil and I have a good amount of people we are trying to visit with in a small amount of time, so it will be a busy trip.

Yesterday I got my results back from the General Knowledge test I had to take a month ago in order to become a teacher. Its been a grueling month, waiting so long for the results. But surprisingly enough, I passed all four subjects. Fuck yeah! I was really stressing passing the math section. Neil was super sweet and took me to my favorite Chinese restaurant in order to celebrate. The food was delicious, but I over ate and ended up with a stomach ache for the rest of the night. The stomach ache lead to devilish nightmares which lasted all night.

Tomorrow is going to be a busy day. We are having a thanksgiving potluck at work. I am in charge of the mashed potatoes and I can’t decide of I should whip them or leave them lumpy. I prefer lumpy myself. Then after work, I am rushing off to have dinner with my mother while she is town. Of course we are going to Gus’s Cafe, which is my favorite Italian restaurant. What else would an Italian family eat on Thanksgiving eve but Italian food. Then after dinner I will have finish any last min packing and get my arse in bed because Neil and I have to leave at 6:30am the next morning in order to catch our flight.

For the past week Neil and I have been trying to decide whether or not his parents are going to take us to the airport or if we are going to use the airport’s long term parking. Usually his parents insist on taking us to and from the airport every time we fly. Now let me say that a ride to the airport is very nice ,super helpful and much appreciated. However, it also means we have to leave extra early and drive over to their house before our trip and then stop off at their house before we can get home after our trip. Before our departing flight, Neil’s mother always looks extremely worried and frowns a lot, she also spends a majority of the time trying to shove last minuet snacks into our travel bags and give us lots of (unsolicited) trip advice. Once we return from the trip, Neil’s mother tries to make us stay for a meal. No offense, but I don’t think so. After I get off of a plane, all I want to do it get home and see my dogs. After we manage to dodge the meal request, we have then have to politely refuse the mountain of food she tries to load us up with before we can make an exit for the door.

I know this doesn’t sound all that bad. But please allow me to point out that there have been times where she has kept us in her kitchen for up to 30 mins, offering us everything in the pantry and as well as the fridge. I know she means well, and that she is just trying to be helpful and loving to her son. However, my patience is at it’s lowest after a long journey home, and in these instances, I find myself fighting my every urge to snap, and insist we be allowed to go home. Now, there are also ulterior motives to taking us to the airport. Neil’s parents live in constant fear that his stuff will get stolen , which is only heightened when we leave town. Therefore , they request that he brings over his most valuable possessions as well as his car , so that they can guard over them safely. His mother also uses this as excuse to “clean” his car while we are gone, which conveniently allows her to snoop at the same time.

Now, anyone who has first generation parents knows these type of situations all too well. It’s common in other countries to want to over see (some may say smother) your children constantly. It’s common to want to feed everyone all the time and find ways for your children to save money. However, Neil and I get back from our trip at almost 11:00pm at night and I have to be at work promptly at 8:00am the next morning. My only goal from the moment I step foot in Florida will be to get to my bed. And I just don’t think there is anyway possible way to speed up the process of Neil’s mother fussing over us.

So logic tells me to just long term park. But then there is the issue of money. I am by no means cheap, however there are some things I just can’t justify paying for. Parking is one of them. I think to pay money for the “right” to leave your car sitting there is ridiculous. Also, I wonder if parking then waiting for a shuttle to get us to the airport will take just as much time as stopping by Neil’s parents house. Needless to say I am torn here people. Torn.

Aside from the “ how do we get to the airport” chaos, the rest of the trip has been planned fairly easily. It seems surreal to me that in two days I will be back in my home state, meeting family I have never met before and seeing people I haven’t seen in ages. I hope my health stays well enough to fully enjoy my trip. All my body seems like it wants to do after the past few weeks is rest. I also hope that everyone has a safe, happy and joyous holiday.

I actually like thanksgiving. Aside from it’s barbaric roots ( don’t get me started), I think the idea of day where we all take the time to be thankful for the beautiful things in our lives and gather with the people we love ; without a bunch of expectations (other then some yummy food) is a lovely idea. And certainly a day that I can get into celebrating.

Not to mention, this year I have a lot to be thankful for.

Is it Friday yet??

2008-11-20T08:03:00.000-08:00

So, it's been a while since I've last posted. Things have been soo busy for the past few months, that I've barely had time to think, let alone blog. Time is moving so quickly that it feels as though someone has hit the fast forward button on my life. So many big things have happened since I last blogged , and I am still trying to wrap my mind around them and get my bearings. I don't really feel like like going into details because then I would be writing all day. Needless to say, some really great things have happened and some really crappy things have happened. But through it all I have managed to keep everything in perspective. I mean sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and repeat to yourself "such is the journey of life". The ups and downs are all a part of living and breathing. If you manage to learn from the downs and cherish the ups, then it is my belief that you'll always end landing on your feet. Keeping that philosophy in mind, you must also manage to keep your sense of humor. For me, maintaining a sense of humor is the most important factor in not losing my shit.

Obviously my best friend got married last weekend, and while it was a beautiful event, it totally reconfirmed my belief that the only way I want to get married, is to elope. Weddings have become such a circus. It is hard enough to accommodate a handful of people, much less 100-200 people. Brides and grooms get so stressed planning their wedding, that it seems to take all focus off of the reason they are getting married in the first place. There are so many details to worry about, so much to coordinate at the same time. Plus, the past few weddings I have been to, the bride and groom barely looked at each other during their vows. I don't think it is because their love was any less sincere, but more because they are performing a very emotional and private experience in front of a lot of people. Talk about pressure. Plus, the bride and groom are so zombified by everything leading up to the actual event that I think the ceremony becomes a somewhat surreal. Don't misunderstand me, i love weddings. And I think if two people are getting married for the right reasons that marriage can be a beautiful thing. However, there is no way a big ceremony would work for me and Neil. It's just not our style. Thank goodness that is something we agree on. My ideal wedding would consist of Neil and I in a beautiful location.. like an island in Hawaii or a cliff in Greece. A handful of our closest love ones may or may not attend. Neil and I being barefoot would be nice, and I would definitely wear some flowers in my hair. Someone might be playing an acoustic guitar in the background. During the simple ceremony , I would look into Neil's eyes the whole time ( although I am quiet sure I would cry during most of or part of the ceremony) and profess my love and promises of respect and unyielding devotion to him. That's it. I guess no matter what, I really am just a hippy chick deep down inside.

Speaking of hippies, last night Neil and I went to see Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band play at Janus Landing. I am not a huge fan of an out door venue, although last night was a perfect night to be outside. The night was a beautiful cold, and crystal clear. You could see all of the stars laid out before you.

We came in during the second act , while a band named "The Felice Brothers" were playing. They were cute kids. The singer totally sounded like Bob Dylan, while the accordion player reminded me of the guy from " The Blues Traveler", and finally the drummer made me think of the lead singer from the band "Fever Dog" in the movie "Almost Famous". They performed with a certain intensity that made them very interesting to watch. Their music was a little unpolished for my taste and the crappy sound system didn't help. The Band sounded like a mix between folk, rock, and bluegrass with a little creole influence thrown in. However a handful of songs were so enthralling that I did end up purchasing their CD. One song in particular , preformed by the Blue traveler guy , actually stopped me from my conversation and propelled me towards the stage as I watched in awe. It was called "Goddamn you Jim" and it gave me goose bumps. Here is a link to a You Tube version of it, that really doesn't do it justice, but will give you an idea.

http://www.last.fm/music/The+Felice+Brothers/_/Goddamn+You,+Jim

After the Felice Brothers finished, Conor came on pretty quickly. At first I wasn't sure it was him. He looks so different now. When he first busted onto the scene, so many years ago with Bright Eyes, he was baby faced and emo looking. But now he looks older and rougher. Like the road has aged him. I would say he almost looked haggard with a Johny Cash like swagger. His hair was long and unkempt, his clothes looked worn and dirty. His facial hair was wild and sparse. When he started to play, I immediately got a gigantic smile on my face and my body started to sway with his melodic beats. I can't really put into words how beautiful the performance was. I have always compared Conor to Bob Dylan, but not so much because of his sound but more so because of his passion. He puts so much emotion into every song. You can feel the pain and pleasure in each and every note. He makes you feel so many emotions in the course of one single song and he paints such vivid pictures with his poetic lyrics. At some points during the show, it was too much to watch, and all i could do was close my eyes and let the music carry my spirit upwards.

Conor's raw talent was showcased at it's peak during the times when he alternated a song, first by bringing the song to a frenzied, chaotic, and punk rock climax; where upon he instantly dropped it down into a slow, soul touching, soft and fragile melody. It is like a roller coaster ride at night. Just thrilling. My favorite part is when he broke into his blues song, called Corina, Corina. I was not expecting that at all. His closing song was " I don't want to die in a hospital." The crowd had requested it all night, so they were very pleased that he ended with it. The song sounds more traditionally Bright Eyes to me, hence why I think it is so popular. Of course he left the stage humbly per usual. He blew the crowd a kiss while thanking us gracefully. Finally, he walked off the stage with a peace sign held high in the air, leaving me breathless. Last night was the fourth time I have seen him perform, and each performance is unique, inspiring , and far from disappointing. There are not many artists that I can say that about.

I subjected Neil to my own mini concert on the ride home. poor guy!

Although my health has been pretty good lately, I have been pushing myself too hard. I have not been resting enough and I fear it will catch up to me soon, with a big old nasty flare up. Last night I should have stayed home and rested. But there was no way I was going to miss the show, and I am glad I didn't. I made me feel young again. It made me feel hopeful and happy. It is funny that music can have that affect.

In one week, Neil and I leave for Denver. I can't say we are really prepared, and I am not sure when I am going to have time to prepare, so I may just have to wing this one.

Over all, life is spectacular.

The economy scares me. I need to loose some serious weight and I wonder about my health in the future, but as i get older, I realize worrying about what may happen is a waste of energy. You just have to let it ride and try to enjoy each and every min, because in the blink of an eye, it is all over...

after everything is said and done, all we are is dust in the wind!

cheesy but true.

I can't wait to breath

2008-11-11T12:50:00.000-08:00

too busy to blog much, yet so much to say. I hate that.

I have so much to do, I am not sure how I can fit it all in.

But I will push through.

Big disappointments this week. How come the more I lower my expectations, the less people give?Seems like I am getting the shitty part of that deal.

However, I am learning to let go of all those negative emotions and live by the idea that while I can't control what people do, I can control how it affects me.

Once you learn to release negative feelings, it becomes addicting.

I am yearning to start my new life of elementary education and dreaming of moving to the west coast.

I am so ready for change it's over whelming.

I yearn for adventure!

Three more days. Then I can breath again

a letter to my biracial godson

2008-11-05T07:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Kiah,
I don't know when you will read this, if ever; but I wanted to write you this letter while it was all fresh and clear inside my head. Last night Kiah, history was made!! Barack Obama was elected president. I have spent the past seven hours since I found out that he won, as an emotional wreck. I am overjoyed as well as terrified. I cry and then I laugh. I laugh and then I cry.

The past eight years have been a foggy nightmare. When Bush stole the first election, I was in a state of shock. I knew that it meant bad things were to come to pass, but I couldn't possibly foresee how bad things would really get. Then in 2004 when he was re-elected, I lost all hope. I consigned myself to idea that America was on it's way to ruin and that we had doomed ourselves just as the Romans had done. I became jaded and complacent. My only real goal was to escape this country. I felt like I had become the minority and I figured that the saying "love it or leave it" now applied to me. I could go on and on about the past eight years, but instead I will focus on the present and the future.

The fact that man named Obama, who is half African American, has been elected president; well Kiah, it speaks volumes. Please remember that it was only 53 years ago that Rosa Parks took a stand and refused to move to the back of the bus. Geeze, how I wish she had lived long enough to see this day. I have to admit, I had my doubts. I did not have much faith left in the American people. And it's been a long hard battle.

All day I have been thinking about how much this means and then suddenly I thought of you Kiah. I thought about the fears I have for you in this crazy world. I have always worried about challenges you might possibly face, coming from two drastically different cultures. Hidden discrimination or ignorant limitations which would befall you in your future. I worried about your foundation and whether or not you would have the confidence to really reach for and accomplish your dreams.

The world is a cruel place. It can beat you down and steal your thunder. It's hard to remember that you, and you alone, are the master of your own destiny. It takes a lot of conviction, focus and hard work to get what you want out of life. It is a hell of a lot easier to give up, blame your problems on someone else and settle. It's easy to take the wrong path and let a few bad mistakes haunt you for the rest of your life.

Last night was a reminder Kiah. It was a reminder that anything is possible and that if you work hard enough, stand true to yourself and your morals; well then you can accomplish even the unimaginable. Kiah, you can be anything you want to. You and Barack share a lot of similarities. In fact, a couple people at work have seen your picture and asked me if it was a young Barack. You are lucky enough to live in a time when the world is making an effort to move forward and learn from our previous mistakes. There have been others, heroes in my eyes, who have paved the way for today. People who sacrificed their lives, for what they believed in. People who had the courage to stand tall in the face of adversity. Hopefully you will learn about them in history, and recognize their contributions.

I hope that yesterday resonates something deep inside of you. I hope it gives the strength to keep pushing when things get frustrating and the odds are against you. I hope you realize that education and knowledge are the greatest weapons you can arm yourself with and that you must never allow fear and resentment to deter you from your goals, or cloud whatever truth you find in your heart.

Kiah I am very proud of the young man you have become. I like to think that I had a small role in contributing to who you are. I want you to know that I will always be here for you, loving you and supporting you along your journey. I will always believe in you. To me, you will always be that handsome, intelligent, compassionate, funny, charming young man who looks at the world with wonder in his eyes and a smile on his face. I cherish every conversation we have, and the way you always leave me in wonderment with your observations on life. You have added a beautiful element to my life that I simply can't express in words. Thanks for loving me and accepting me for who I am. Your crazy Aunt Jessica, who will never understand that you are too old to be snuggled in public and will always manage to embarrass and amuse you.

I love you Hezekiah Todd-Givens and I hope to one day hear your own inauguration speech.

But hey, no pressure :)

please dear gods....

2008-11-04T12:09:00.000-08:00

I woke up with knots in my stomach today. Knots and a mile long “to do” list. It was quiet when I woke up. Now that “Daylight Savings” has rolled the clock back an hour, I wake up before my alarm goes off , which is around 6:00am. Today is election day and I am nervous as hell. I have had mixed feelings about today for months now. Part of me is filled with hope , while the other part is terrified. This election is so important to me. I really feel that it is our last chance at change. Sounds cliché, I know, but it has a strong measure of truth. I know that I am not alone in these feelings, but that doesn’t make each painful minute click by any more quickly. I am so tired of feeling like the minority in this country. So tired of feeling like there is something wrong with me for thinking politics is about more than money, religious beliefs and gun control. Granted those are important issues, however government is about governing the people. We need to think about our freedoms, our position globally, the education we offer our children, the services we offer people who can’t take care of themselves, the world we are destroying, and the corruption of our elected officials. People in this country are so worried about themselves only and what affects them directly , that it is no wonder our economic system crashed. Conservatives walk around afraid of the word socialism , but then turn around and teach their children to share. Sharing is essential to human existence, hence why societies were even formed at all. Hasn’t anyone ever taken an anthropology class? The issue we need to worry about isn’t who is going to get taxed, the issue is where are those taxes going? Are they going to roads, hospitals, and schools or are they going to politician's wardrobes and travel expenses? I am uneasy about the consequences of this election regardless of the outcome. What if Obama gets elected and then assassinated? What if Obama gets elected and then turns out to be as bad as Bush? ( although that seems impossible) It all seems so scary.

Aside from election craziness , the rest of my life is chaos. Ordered chaos, but chaos all the same. Melissa’s wedding is in less about 10 days. Her bachlorette party is this weekend. We are driving down to South Beach Saturday morning and staying for a little over 24 hours , in an attempt to party away her last few days of freedom. Also, my friend Jessica Noel is in town. I am the maid of honor in her wedding, which is scheduled for March. Therefore, Jessica and I are spending tomorrow evening dress shopping. Needless to say- this week has been, and will continue to be, wedding insanity. On top of the wedding overload, school registration is about to drive me insane. Trying to cross enroll or being a transient student is impossible. And of course HCC messed up my financial aid AGAIN. I swear I spend half of my life running around trying to fix things because someone , somewhere made a mistake.

Again my saving grace has been Neil. He has managed to keep me from dragging a sharp razor blade against my fleshy pale skin. Sometimes I wonder what I would do without him. I know in the back on my mind, I would be okay without him in my life. But then I wonder, who would be there to keep me sane and save my ass? It just doesn’t feel like anyone else could do as good a job as Neil does.

Halloween was a trip. I took some interesting pictures of the cute little trick or treaters in Neil’s parent’s neighborhood, which is where we gave out candy. Then we went to a small party at Jenn’s house, where I realized that I have the coolest friends on the planet. Let me just say, 2:00am strong man competitions are the best. Jenn’s neighbor’s were also having a rocking Halloween party which we managed to crash for a little while. Twenty four year old kids are so funny. At the neighbor’s party I actually ran into a co-worker ( only about 20 people work at my office), I was like “ talk about a small world.” The rest of the weekend was a recovering blur, except for Sunday, when Neil and I drove out to Brooksville in order to inspect the wedding site Jessica and Andrew have picked out. Talk about a hippy wedding. They are seriously having it in the middle of the country. In fact , they are asking people to camp after the wedding. Jessica’s mother was super cute though . She was just diagnosed with MS a little over a year ago. We spent the day BBQing , talking politics, planning the wedding, and walking around the country side.

Now I have to get back to work , while figuring out how to accomplish the millions of things left on my damn “too do” list. If anyone would like to donate a personal assistant to me, I wouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth.. That ‘s for sure.

OBAMA..OBAMA…...OBAMA!!!!

grrrrr

2008-11-03T05:59:00.000-08:00

Just another manic Monday, I wish it were sunday, cause that's my fun.. my I don't have to run day.

to blog or not to blog .. that is the question.

Our systems are down at work.

But I don't think I am in any mood to blog.

weekend=good

Monday=horrible.

That's about it for now!

next weekend, Miami here we come!

It's a beautiful day outside

2008-10-28T11:51:00.000-07:00

What a crazy week it’s been. First, things started off on a really bad foot Saturday morning, when my clock decided to set itself back an hour earlier for daylight savings time without notifying me. The problem with that, was that it wasn’t daylight savings time. I have an automatic clock which sets the time itself. Daylight Savings time used to be last weekend. The government changed it to November but unfortunately, someone forgot to tell that to my clock. Normally it wouldn’t make a difference on a Saturday if my clock was off, but this happened to be the Saturday that I had to wake up butt-ass early to take the six hour long general knowledge test, which I needed to take in order to get into the teaching program.

Needless to say I sauntered out of bed (at what I thought was 6:15am) feeling estatic about the fact that I had over an hour to prepare for the test, understanding that I had to leave NO LATER than 7:30am in order to make it on time. However, when I walked into the living room and realized that all the clocks said 7:25am, I had a mini breakdown. I recovered from this breakdown promptly by throwing on clothes and muttering a sling of curse words before rushing out of the house, while stuffing dry cereal in my mouth. I didn’t even have time to brush my teeth or put on deodorant. The test itself is stressful enough( I've been studying for the math sections for weeks added with the morning from hell on top, well it really threw a giant size wrench in my day. I barely got to the test on time, but by some miracle,I did. The test was just as grueling and exhausting as I has suspected, and I am not sure how I survived it but I did. Sad to say, I won’t get my results for at least 4 weeks.

After the test I barely had time to stop home, pick up Neil, and splash on some perfume before running to Chuckie Cheese for my godson’s two year old birthday party. Now for those of you who don’t know, I hate Chuckie Cheese. To me, it is equivalent to hell on earth. Therefore, having to go there after the hell morning I had (with the previous night’s make up still on my face) is a testament to how much I deeply love my godson. I managed to smile my way through Chuckie Cheese for a few hours before going home exhausted. After some recoup time, Neil and I got ready for the neighbor’s costume party. It was supposed to be super hero themed. Neil went as wolverine and I went as “ Super Democrat Girl” whose power was the ability to turn republicans into democrats with a flick of her wand. I had found a really funny donkey hat in the costume store which was the base of my costume, I added some flag colored clothes and covered them with Obama stickers. I must say with only an hour of preparation Neil and I pulled off some pretty awesome costumes. Neil looked ubber sexy as wolverine, since he had some phat sideburns already. We ended up crashing another neighbor’s party and we would have crashed a third party, but we decided it was too late and we were simply to exhausted too continue. We went home Saturday night and passed out quickly.

Sunday was lovely. Neil and I had breakfast with some friends and then did some grocery shopping. Then Sunday evening we carved pumpkins. I carved a spider in my pumpkin and Neil carved our astrological symbol in his. I always have the most fun carving pumpkins with Neil. This is our fifth year of carving pumpkins together, I thinks it’s so rad he always agrees to carve a pumpkin with me. Of course Sunday evening is also when I realized I was summoned for jury duty the next day and I had to call to see if I was summoned to appear. As luck would have it, my number was called and I had to report to jury duty bright and early Monday morning.

I could blog about the misery of jury duty for a long , long time. However I will spare you MOST of the details. Let’s just say I was trapped in a room with 500 complaining people for seven hours , then just before they were going to release us, I got picked on a jury. After getting picked for a jury 30 of us , were moved to an even smaller room where we sat for 3 more hours. I read the book I had brought to read in the first six hours, so by the time I was picked for the jury I had no ways left to occupy the time. By the time the judge finally called us into the court room, we were an angry mob, threatening the bailiff with bodily harm. You really get to see the true colors of people after being trapped together for almost ten hours together with nothing to do. The woman next to me didn’t know what the word obnoxious meant. She asked me if it was the same thing as “ being nasty” in a thick southern accent. By the time we got into the courtroom the defendant had copped a plea bargain , so we weren’t needed after all. Talk about a waste of ten hours. I never ever want to go to jury duty again. It’s worst than air travel.

Today however is a BEAUTIFUL day!! We actually have a mini cold front pushing through , so the high was in the sixties. It is difficult to stay indoors on a day like this. I just want so stroll around in the sunshine feeling the cold breeze pressing against my body. This weather makes me all the more excited about going to Denver in a few weeks. The next few weeks are going to fly by. Halloween is Friday, the election is Tuesday, our Miami bound bachlorette party is the following weekend, and then it’s Melissa’s wedding. Melissa decided to add Jenn ( our other best friend) to her wedding party last minute last week, whereas my "Iron Maiden of Honor" powers kicked in and I managed to find Jenn a matching dress last minute in her size. It really was a freaking miracle. I’d like to take all the credit because I really did pull it off like a champ but luck did play a small part. I guess that splash of good luck balanced the horrible luck I had over the weekend. My life has always been like that. For very tiny bit of good luck I get, I also get ten times as much bad luck. I swear to god, I must have been Hitler in a past life for all the bad karma I get. Ohh well maybe as penance for this life, I will get to come back as a noble peace prize winning super model in the next life. That is if we don’t blow up the planet before I have a chance to get re-incarnated. Aka – vote for Obama.

P.S I did early vote, it took me close to 2.5 hours to get through the line. but it was totally worth it!

P.P.S Neil and I are off to watch Nader speak tonight. It's too late for him to win my vote ( I wouldn't vote for him in this race anyway) but he is a powerful speaker with innovative ideas and I am excited to hear him speak.

P.P.P.S - I also got suckered into canvasing for Obama on election day. Geeze I hope the cool weather lasts while I am going door to door to make sure people are getting out to vote. It sounds like a lot of work that I really don't have the time or energy for, but as the guy who suckered me into doing this pointed out, I will be part of history in the making ;)

I am voting early today.....

2008-10-21T12:49:00.000-07:00

And proudly wearing my Obama sticker to do so. I spent way too much time researching my entire sample ballot in order to make sure I voted correctly for every single thing on the ballot. It was confusing and exhausting. It is a sad day when filling out your sample ballot takes more time and energy that writing a college paper. But I feel confident about going in to vote and that is a nice feeling to have in the voting booth.

I don't feel like writing much more this blog. My head is too jumbled up and static. I have so many upcoming obligations that I have no energy to feel either stressed out or excited about any of them. I am just taking it day by day. As of today my calendar is pretty full. Blitz day, voting, shopping returns, studying, laundry and dinner. Oy vay! I miss the days of lazy irresponsibility.

I wish I could go home tonight and be whisked off to chinese food for a romantic dinner. I want some honey seared shrimp with some delicious brown rice. Instead it looks like tuna casserole.

Maybe my new birth control pills are making me feel a little er. erratic.

I hope that's what it is.

sigh

Sometimes I am a real asshole

2008-10-20T08:15:00.000-07:00

Wow! The weekend flew by. Personally, I took it pretty easy this weekend with the exception of Saturday night. Saturday night Neil and I went to a compound party at my friend Becca’s house. In celebration of the party, I made two batches of some extremely strong Sangria mixed with wine, gin, vodka, and peach schnapps. Of course I put a ton of fresh fruit and fruit juice in the Sangria as well in order to make it as authentic as possible. I also made a crab/cream cheese dip. Luckily both items were devoured before the end of the night, so I didn’t have to lug any of it home.

Now for those of you who don’t know, Neil is a pretty quiet guy normally. Of course this is just a facade and the real Neil is extremely funny and outgoing and makes me laugh out loud on a daily basis with his witty and outlandish antics. People who know the old single Neil , know him as the wild , dancing, party dude. But of course, that was because he was a big drinker back in the day. Drunk Neil is totally different that sober Neil. However, since Neil met me and “settled down” so to say , he rarely drinks now. But on the rare occasion when he does drink , people go crazy over it. All of my friends love “drunk Neil” and request his presence as often as possible. Not that they don’t love sober Neil. But it’s nice when quiet Neil lets the outgoing Neil out to play for a little while. Needless to say “drunk Neil” was requested Saturday night and bless his heart, he gave the people what they wanted.

I on the other hand stayed pretty sober. Neil and I usually take turns getting drunk when we go out. We sort of discuss it beforehand and decide who is going to drive and who is going to drink. We try to be responsible like that. Since, I was self admittedly sober I really have no excuse for my behavior. And I am sad to report , that my behavior Saturday night was sort of naughty.

I often write about staying in control of your emotions, projecting positivity, and being considerate of other people’s feelings and I try really hard to practice what I preach, but sometimes I fail to do so and quite honestly sometimes I am just an asshole. Saturday night I was sort of an asshole. Sometimes I get in these smug moods where I let my sarcasm run wild along with my crude sense of humor. I say things just for shock value and I refuse to sensor what pops into my head before I say it. Luckily, most of my friends know this about me and they ignore these dark moods. But sometimes these moods escape around people that I don’t know very well. Saturday night I was in rare form. Fortunately for me, everyone was more focused on drunk Neil and the Rays losing to really notice my assholness. But it did remind me that I need to filter my emotions more and watch how I treat people . Not everyone understands my humor and I hate to walk around offending people with my seemingly shallow and elitist attitude which in reality is the opposite of how I feel. I just think it’s funny to be obnoxious on occasion.

So after the party Saturday, Neil and I drove to Tampa Heights in order to check out Jenn and Chip’s new love nest. I brought the leftover Sangria and forced them to drink it all. The house is a really funky, two story classic bungalow. The paint colors were distracting, but the house itself is really beautiful. It warmed my heart to see Jenn settling into a new place in her life ( literally). It made me so happy to see her with the love of her life and someone who is so committed to her and her son. She has deserved this happiness for so long and suffered through so much crap to finally get it. Saturday night, we all sat around her new kitchen, enjoying the beautiful weather, and laughing at Chip’s honest and dark sense of humor. Chip was so comical, that at one point he made Neil spit water out of his mouth like a drunken fountain. I must admit, I do heart that Chip Ham. It’s so lovely to connect with your best friend’s spouses. It makes life seem complete somehow. Like everything is finally how it should be.

Sunday Neil and vegged out like zombies and negated most of our responsibility for the day. I adore our Sundays. I adore Neil. My favorite days are spent just lying around with him and enjoying each others company. My bliss lies in the stolen moments when I lay safely in his arms surrounded by his warmth and listening to his heart beat. It’s always hard for me to end the weekend. I get so accustomed to the luxury of spending every moment with my sweet lover that I get separation anxiety when I realize the week will separate us again. I never thought I would feel this way about any one person and I find myself in constant surprise that one person can make me feel so content, so happy and so whole. It scares the living day lights out of me that my happiness can be so connected to one person and that it could so easily be lost. Even if Neil was willing to pledge his life to me, that wouldn’t protect us against mortality. I have to accept the fact that one day he may not be in my life and I have to find a way to cope with that idea. But is so hard to imagine my life without him now.

Last night we watched the horrible movie “Sex in the City”. God, what a waste of film. But it did get me thinking about marriage and relationships. As I drifted to sleep, I thought about my relationship with Neil and how strange it is. I thought about how rarely we argue and how smoothly things flow. I thought about how we just naturally fall into sync with each other without much resistance. Like two polar ends of a magnet snapping together perfectly. We can’t even physically be around each other for long periods of time without touching. It feels almost magical. I thought about how much he loves me and how much he willingly sacrifices for me without the slightest complaint. My happiness and comfort is such a top priority for him. As I thought about this and how wonderful he is , I compiled a blog in my head about how much I love him and the reasons why. Of course, as I actually feel asleep, it all disappeared into a hazy slumber. This blog doesn’t even begin to capture my true feelings of love and appreciation of him, nor my deep seated fear of losing what we have. But it does scratch the surface.

So it’s Monday now. I have a plethora of things that I need to focus on and accomplish. The weeks are speeding by and I have so much on my plate that it’s hard not to get over whelmed . But if anyone can do it, its me. That’s for sure.

We got invited to a costume party next weekend. It is super hero themed. If anyone has a good idea of a good super hero for me, let me know. I have no idea what to be!

saturday morning semi bliss

2008-10-18T06:32:00.000-07:00

It's a lovely Saturday morning. I am sitting in the living room listening to Jack Johnson and watching Neil do his Saturday push up set. Jack Johnson isn't one my favorite musicians, but he is good Saturday morning music. Neil is doing the six week push up challenge. It's cute to watch him do push ups in the morning.

I woke up early and took my dogs to the groomer. Yoshi, my oldest shih tzu ( and the love of my life) HATES the groomer. He was shivering with fear when he saw where we were going and refused to get out of the car. It breaks my heart to leave him there, scared and all alone. But it's even worse when I try to cut his hair myself. No more mommy haircuts.

I hit up a garage sale on my way home. I got a beautiful skirt for a dollar. It fits, but it's not quite as flattering as I had hoped, ohh well. After I got home, I made myself a hearty breakfast of scrambled eggs, morningstar veggie sausage and veggie bacon. IT WAS SOO GOOD! sometimes I think I would fail as a pesco-ovotarian if it was not for the delicious meat alternatives. Some of them are so gross , but some of them are better than real meat(if cooked properly).

Now, I am sitting around and trying to motivate myself to get my butt to the grocery store. I want to make some sangria for a little AMC party I am attending tonight. AMC is the old company I used to work for. For some strange reason a pretty large group of us managed to remain friends (even after we got laid off together). We are really different, but we all have similar sense of humors. I think you had to have a darker sense of humor to work in that place. We used to joke that it really was like working in the show " The Office". And it truly was.
One of our ex co-workers, named Joey, just got back from a year in Iraq. I am so relieved he made it back safe and sound. Another one of my ex co-workers Lisa is moving back to Chicago, so the party is sort of a welcome back/goodbye get together.

Yesterday I went to a gynecologist for the first time in four years. In the past, I have never really been able to find a gyno that I like. It is always such an awkward experience, and I usually find gynecologists to be such cold, dry people. However yesterday I met the raddest gyno ever. She was gentle, informative, funny, and just plain cool. She and I discussed switching birth control and she is really in favor of me getting an IUD. To be honest I am scared of an IUD. Everyone I know who has gotten one says that they hurt A LOT. And you bleed for months afterward. But the idea of not having to take a pill every day or put as many hormones into my body sounds like it may be worth some pain and inconvenience. Plus it is a one time of $25 dollars for up to ten years. That saves me almost $200 a year. Okay now I sound like Neil. He always thinks in terms of a yearly cost.

Last night was sewing 101 at Joanne's. I am not sure I learned as much as I had hoped to, but some parts of it were informative. Sewing is so much effort. There is just so much to learn. However walking around the store and seeing all of the BEAUTIFUL and interesting fabrics inspires me to KEEP PUSHING!

so off to grocery store I guess.

Happy weekend!

Feast or Famine

2008-10-16T08:11:00.000-07:00

It’s that time of year again. When the lazy days of summer zoom into the chaos of the pre-holiday season. October thru January always whizzes by in a flash of an eye. I've been trying to pace myself already this season. You know, get things done early. Normally, I am a “wait till the last minute type of girl” when it comes to things I am not that excited about. But this year I am trying to be pro-active about things so that I avoid that last minute “ohh shit “ freak out. I must say, that this new approach is really helping. I am starting to get a grasp of my limitations. I am starting to realize that my energy supply is limited so when I am tired , I need to rest. Period. However, when I actually have energy , I need to maximize it and accomplish the most important things, first. I hope I keep this momentum keeps up once school starts again. That is always when my life goes to the “crapper” so to speak. Working full time and going to school full time is harder than I could have ever imagined.

I am extremely excited about Halloween. I know it’s a controversial holiday but I dare say it’s my favorite (well aside from April Fool’s Day). I love all the reminders that fall is here!! I love pumpkins and gourds everywhere. I love fall colors. I love the SLIGHT breeze in the air. I love carving pumpkins. I love the imaginative costumes . I love the idea that on October 31 hordes of children in funny costumes will be running around my neighbor and scurrying for candy. I love making them explain their costumes to me in exchange for candy. I think its a fair trade. Neil and I are still in a deadlock about whether or not we are going to dress up the dogs. Neil is strictly against it. And normally, 364 days out of the year I am against dressing your animals too. But how cute would our little shih tzus be dressed as a hot dog and a rooster? ADORABLE!

This year Neil’s parents want us to come to their neighborhood and give out candy with them. I wasn’t sure that this was the best idea, so I made our coming contingent on the agreement that our dogs be allowed to come with us ( I never thought they would agree, his parents are strictly against the dogs coming to their house) but to my surprise they said the dogs could come as long as we keep them in the front yard the whole time. Now, I don’t really mind going over to their house to give out candy as long as they get a good number of trick or treaters. They have assured that they do. However, I feel a loyalty to the kids in my neighborhood. Neil’s parents live in a fancy neighborhood. The kids there are sure to be spoiled with lots of good candy. However the kids on my neighborhood are not as privileged. I hate to think of of them looking at our dark abandoned house and realizing there was no one there to give them candy. I hate the idea of their little hearts being disappointed as they realize our light is not on. Previous to living where I do now, I lived in a more urban part of town. We never got trick or treaters there. I used to buy candy every year and anxiously wait for a knock on the door. But no treat or treaters ever came. Now that I live in a house where I actually get a good number of treat or treaters I feel like I should appreciate it while I can. Needless to say I am torn between what to do.

Neil and I had a wedding to go to last weekend. Thursday night we went to the bachelorette/bachelor party at a night club called the Castle. I had to dress 80’s. Neil and I went with a positive attitude, bought the bride and groom drinks, took pictures and danced the night away. At the party, I met a friend of the bride's who runs a film festival in St.Pete. I questioned him relentlessly about the submitting process. After a lengthy discussion, I decided I was going to try and whip up something to submit to this year's festival. The problem is that the deadline is 12/31/08. Which gives me almost no time at all. The good thing is, that I already have an idea of what I want to do. I have had a project in mind for some time and I just needed a catalyst to get me going. I guess even if I don’t make the deadline, the fact that this may motivate me to finally make a film/documentary that I have wanted to make, is totally rad. The wedding itself was interesting. The bride looked beautiful, and she and her groom were the picture of nervous youth as they embarked on a life long journey together. It was very romantic. Too bad I drank a little too much that night. Although it did keep things interesting.

The wedding made me think of my youth and reminded me of the person I used to be. So different than the person I am today. Its almost as if I can see my old self in the sidelines of my life, waiving goodbye to me. It made me think of how much I've grown and where I've been. Life is strange!

On to the next topic.. the election….I am starting to feel hopeful about Obama actually winning and that scares me. I am scared to have hope. I am terrified I will be mislead, and face heartbroken astonishment the day after elections (like I have the previous two times). But the polls say Obama has a strong lead. People in other parts of the country say that there are yards loaded with Obama signs and that they really believe he will win. Geez I hope so. I broke down yesterday and spent $60 on Obama merchandise. I bought yard signs, buttons, and stickers. I am going to show my support with a vengeance. I am going to wear my buttons every day till the election and plaster anything that will sit still with stickers. The thing that really scares me is Florida, of course my state. We are the biggest swing state. Once again we could make or break this thing. And god knows, if one state can manage how to fuck things up, it sure is Florida. Last night, I felt positive watching the debates. They started off a little disappointing but in the end Obama proved yet again that he is a clear-headed, brilliant, inspirational and logical man “with a plan”. I love watching him calmly put McCain in his place. I love watching McCain squirm with fury. It was almost enough to distract me from kicking Neil’s ass at scrabble. And yes I am gloating, because I never beat him at anything!

Last night I was rocking out to some white strips, watching Neil whip up some delicious pizza and thought to myself “ I love my life”. I like the person I have become. I feel good about the path I am on. I have a wonderful man who loves and supports me. My friends and family are all in good places in their lives. Who knows, maybe it will change tomorrow. But for today, for this moment I just want to enjoy it and I did!

I know, my blogs are so inconsistent! I make you wait weeks and then I make you read 100 paragraphs all at once, but hey that’s me. Extremes remember? You know you love it ;)

One that note, Project runway ended last night … but it will be okay because me and my peeps are starting our own project runway. There will be five of us at Jo-Anne’s sewing 101 class tomorrow night. And in a few months we will be rocking our own runway collection. And it won’t be for no skinny-ass models, I can tell you that much! Holla at your 813 sewing crew.

The political rant that you have waited so patiently for - warning these is a lot of foul language in this blog

2008-10-08T05:29:00.000-07:00

So my life has been crazy-busy the past few weeks. My calendar looks like an abstract painting, it has so much written on it with no end in sight. I am booked up like three months in advance. It's hard being so damn popular ;)

So, last night I only watched part of the debates. I got too angry to finish watching them to the end. It reminded me way too much of when Bush ran for office . In the past, I couldn't even stomach watching half of the Presidential debates both of the times that Bush ran for office. Just seeing Bush's monkey-ass lying face on TV sent me into a rage. Last night was déjà vu. Just looking at McCain's evil munchkin face and hearing the same weak phrases come out of his decrepit old mouth, sent me into hysterics. I was writhing on the couch next to Neil growling like an angry dog. It makes me so infuriated that McCain (and his moronic VP) try and pass this facade of promoting change when he is using the same tired old tactics of the Bush campaign.

Everything he said last night was the same pre-prepared "Americans are the best", no new taxes, attack my opponent with lies, insanity. He said nothing new. He didn't answer any of the questions with any real thought or insight. His answers were vague and obviously pre-scripted. They weren't even pre-scripted well. If I have to hear about the 8 billion dollars in funding that Obama voted (for as example of Obama gone wild) one more time, I may very well vomit. McCain says he wants to freeze spending across the board? What a moron. You can't just stop everything until you have time to figure out what has been mis-appropriated. I personally prefer the analogy which Obama used, the one where he said he would take a scalpel to the budget and carefully cut out the things that didn't work, leaving the things were are needed instead of taking a blunt hatchet to it and butchering everything. McCain says straightening out social security and medicare is an easy fix, are you fucking kidding me? That alone just shows just how out of touch he really is. He is so caught up in the politics of the eighties that I am not even sure he realizes that it is the new millennium.

All he talks about is Reaganomics and outdated policy ideas. Hello McCain, it is 2008, wake up and let go of the past. it didn't work then, it won't work now. Or is that simply the last decade you remember before dementia kicked in? McCain really clinched the deal when he said that Obama wanted to regulate nuclear energy or "something like that." Acting as if regulating nuclear energy was a waste of time and silly. Then he went on to say that nuclear energy is perfectly safe and he knows because he worked on a nuclear submarine. WHAT!!!!!???????? Did that not send off red flags to anyone else? Can we say Anti-Christ? WE ARE TALKING ABOUT NUCLEAR ENERGY you stupid piece of shit! You know, the stuff that if not properly used could blow up the whole planet. SCARY!!!!!!!! I was mortified when I saw his flippant behavior regarding nuclear energy.

And what is this crap about McCain being bi-partisan. What a load of horseshit!! Let's re-watch the debates and see how many times he uses the words bi-partisan, fundamental,earmarks,and pork-barrel spending. Does he know any other words? And what the hell is the crap about giving American's a $5,000 rebate in order to get health care across state lines. Well let me tell you this , you old fart, if my company drops my health insurance because you want them to pay tax on it and I have to try and use $5,000 to get new insurance, I am screwed. First off, I can't get private insurance because I have MS and no one will cover me privately. That is probably because my medicine costs $2400 a month retail. So essentially what you are promising me is two months worth of medicine in exhchange for my medical insurance? Gee thanks. Dumb Fucker.

Also stop promising breeders more money for having more children. We ARE ALREADY OVER POPULATED!!!! Not to mention that we all are such greedy assholes that we don't have enough resources to take care of the people we have already living on the planet. The last thing we need is Tom and Thelma having two more retarded kids in order to get an extra $5000 at tax time, so that they can quickly spend it at Walmart buying more things that they don't need. The conservatives talk about people who use welfare and leech off of the system, but then they want to give more money to the people who have more kids? A good portion of those kids you are giving a tax credit back for live off a welfare check. How else do you support ten kids? I know, how about giving me (the person who isn't having kids) more money for ignoring my animalistic and biological need to have children. I understand that children are expensive, not to mention a lot of work. i want to make sure that I am finacially , emotionally and physically ready to bring a new life into this world. I want wait and do it responsibility if at all. Don't I get any credit for that?

And what about the sacrifices the politicians want us to make? Well McCain wants us to give up health care, our social programs, our fear of nuclear energy and possibly our intelligence. but Obama made an EXCELLENT point when asked what Americans need to sacrifice. He basically said that we need to sacrifice our need to consume and waste. What an awesome answer. We as a society need to stop consuming and wasting so god damn much! I mean look at this bailout. We were told that this was necessary so that small businesses could still borrow money in order to make payroll. Well if you have to borrow money in order to just PAY your employees, well then you've got a huge problem. We don't need more credit, people. That is the problem in the first place. We OVER BORROWED. We are all living on borrowed money. Shut the lenders down. Start living off of the money you actually make. Cut up your credit cards. They enslave you.

You know I keep hearing how the only option is the lesser of two evils, but I think that is bullshit. The more I see Obama speak, the more I know he is a great leader. He is smart, well spoken, and up to date on world politics. More importantly, he has a logical plan to try and fix this broken country. No one can give me one viable reason that they don't like Obama. He says great things. He stands for great ideas. He is the last hope that this country has. He even borders on some right wing ideals. He is openly religious, and he often talks about going to war with any country that is a liable threat to us, he is even against gay marriage for god's sake. What more do you republicans want? Is he perfect? Hell no. Who amongst us it? The only thing I can imagine that any one person who cares about themselves, this country or their children could possibly have against this great man is the color of his skin, and if that is the case, well then we don't deserve to be saved, instead with that mentality, we deserve to fall.

The debate last night was obviously a joke. Here you have a "town hall" of all very white people with an African American thrown here or there for good measure. There were no Asian people, no Hispanic people, and no Middle Eastern people. Not to mention everyone in the audience, except one freaky lady in a blue jacket with an insane looking smile plastered on her face, looked constipated and bored. That alone was distracting.

You have less than a month here people. Less than a month to make a pivotal decision. Don't leave it up to others to make your decisions for you. This is your life. You have to live with the consequences of this election. WAKE THE FUCK UP!

Thank you and good night.

how much more can I possibly talk about myself?

2008-10-01T09:15:00.000-07:00

As I have mentioned, I have a problem with balance. I am not talking about my problem with physical balance. What I mean by balance, is the ability to balance certain areas of my life, or even certain emotions. I personally consider myself an extremist( well actually my therapist agrees). I have worked very hard in my life to be able to see the gray in things. It is my first instinct to be very black or white about life. But life is not black or white, there are several nuances of gray sprinkled through out every situation. Therefore finding balance in my life is ongoing challenge. Now with that said, and to add even more complexity to the situation, there is also a lot of duality to my nature. I always feel pulled between polar opposites within myself.

Let me give you an example. I am someone who likes stability and order in life. I find comfort in knowing exactly what to expect in most situations. I don't like surprises. Surprises make the control freak in me feel uneasy. I keep a strict time schedule and have "to do" lists everywhere. I am fairly organized to the point that some people have called me a type A personality before (albeit they were wrong, I know because I researched type A personalities.)

However, there is also a strong side of me that despises routine and craves
adventure. That part of me likes to switch things up as often as possible. It is the same part of me who asks Neil to switch bed sides with me every few months just to keep things interesting. It is the Jessica who books vacations last minute and scans the Weekly Planet looking for anything new or exotic to do. This part of me resents the fact that every morning there is the same chore list that needs to get done in the same order. Wake up, use the restroom, let the animals out, feed the animals, take my birth control, blah blah blah. It drives me bonkers. Granted, I could change the order of these monotonous morning tasks, however they are based on order of importance. I never know if I am going to run out of time in the morning and the things that MUST get done are at the top of the list.

A good majority of my life is spent fighting the urge to sell everything I have, run away to a distant land with absolute no plan, and just live life with no order and no obligations. That is my true dream, however there is something that keeps me tied to the routine. Something that stops me from abandoning all that I have built.

Learning to balance to this duality is tough. I find myself getting lost and depressed in boring details of my life but at the same time, I find myself eager to get back to the comfort and stability of that same boring life whenever I travel to far away from it. I like to blame all of my conflicting tendencies on astrology. I like to think that it is all because my sun sign, moon sign, and ascending are all competing with each other for dominance. I like to tell myself that it is normal and everyone is at odds with themselves in one way or another.

Although I find it hard to believe that anything about me could fall into the range of normal. Nothing about me is ever normal. Life has has ensured that. However, it certainly keeps things interesting!

It's going to be a really cold Thanksgiving!

2008-09-30T07:20:00.001-07:00

We are having network difficulties at work, so I decided to use the time to write a short blog. I just bought tickets for Neil and I to fly to Denver, CO for Thanksgiving. I was born in Colorado, but my family left there when I was four and I have not been back since. I have a sister in CO that I am staying with. I didn't find out about her till I was about 22 years old or so. She and I share the same father.

It is weird finding a sibling so late in life. Unfortunately she and I have not had a chance to spend much time together, what with both of us living half way across the country from each other and both of us being extremely busy. We actually met in person once. It's funny, because my other sister (Amanda) and I are very similar. Even though Amanda left the house for good when I was five and we didn't really grow up together, we have always been very close. We look alike, we talk alike, we have similar interest and similar quirks. However, my sister in CO seems very different than me. On the plus side however, Brooklyn (my Colorado sister) is very sweet and overly thoughtful. Sometimes I feel bad that she got stuck with me as a sister. I can't imagine how my sarcasm appears to her. It must be so strange trying to figure me out over short phone calls and online correspondence. Either way I am looking forward to seeing her life, meeting her family and getting to know her a little better. Neil has a friend in Boulder that we are going to visit and I have a few friends and a cousin all in Denver, so it will be a very social visit.

I really wanted to get away for x-mas instead. I was hoping if we went far away we would escape all the Christmas insanity. But I guess Neil's sister is coming in then , so i compromised on Thanksgiving. Although x-mas in Costa Rica sounds divine!!

well folks our system came back up, so it looks like you got a break.

I'll write more soon!

This sort of freaks me out

2008-09-26T13:21:00.000-07:00

I am excited and repelled about this all at the same time....

http://nakedclowncalendar.com/bio.html

Sigh, I might have to buy one just to support Multiple Sclerosis fund raising!!!

What comes up must come down and vice versa

2008-09-26T09:24:00.000-07:00

I always seem to write a blog on Fridays. I have no idea why , but that's just always how it seems work out. So it's Friday. I always have mixed emotions of Friday. Part of me is ecstatic. I wait all week long for Friday. I wake up everyday asking Neil " is it Friday yet". I dream of weekend mornings where I can sleep in (although thanks to my annoying cat, that never actually happens.) I plan fun day time activities (which I usual cancel once I realize how hot it is outside.) Basically I treasure my freedom from " the man". However, there is always a weird weekend let-down. Two days is just never enough to really feel free. I am always torn between doing chores and just lying around on the couch and relaxing. I wake up Saturday morning confused. Over whelmed by all the options of how to spend my day. Should I rush out and go to garage sales? Should I saunter outside and try to do yard work before the sun gets to high in the sky? Just too many options.

Today though I am determined to stay positive and enjoy my day. The weather is finally turning nice. I have a hot date with my sexy boyfriend tonight (ohh yeah!) Tomorrow I am going to try and wake up early and drag Neil canoeing. Then I get a Saturday night all to myself since Neil is going to a concert with his friends. Okay so I am not all THAT excited about a night to myself since I have become semi co-dependent on my intoxicating boyfriend. But some time apart , so that he can hang out with his friends without his obnoxious girlfriend in tow, sounds healthy. Plus I am going try and take advantage of the situation and travel across the bridge to the burg and see my St. Pete peeps. And then Sunday, ah Sunday.. I have absolutely no plans. I love days with no plans.

I know I have promised a political blog for a while. But every time I start it, I realize that it it will take me months and months to actually be able to express my frustration and complete horror with politics today. I guess I could start blogging about it in small pieces, however I am just so afraid that once I start to unleash the demon of rage inside me that there will be no turning back. I already find myself attacking people who have the audacity to admit to me that they are voting for McCain. I have already argued with every right-wing political moron in my office. Refusing to back down even the slightest. I have plotted my escape out west, hoping that there may be some like minded individual out there who are not blinded by some out dated faith based bullshit. See, I am already losing my grip.

It has been in such a numb coma for the past eight years. So appalled at everything that has happened. So confused. I just can't wrap my mind around how blind people can be. I can't understand how the American people could have allowed the patriot act to counter act the constitution. How we just sat by calmly as we were forced into electronic voting machines ( with no paper trail) in the two biggest swing states. How we just willing gave up so many rights that thousands of people died for in the name of " protecting America against evil". The past eight years have been nothing but lies, manipulation, scare tactics and complete BULLSHIT spat at us by a moron. A monkey. A complete idiot, and we the people just followed him blindly into the lion's den.

I know this sounds extreme, but I am so tired of being calm. I am so tired of being reasonable and presenting hard core facts to angry republicans who retort with anger and personal insults. I am tired of trying to use reason and present an intelligent case. It hasn't gotten me anywhere. I've peacefully protested, I tried gathered hard evidence, i written blog after blog in order to try and wake up the sleeping masses, but all people care about is who got voted off dancing with the stars or what was on sale at Walmart.

Of course now people want care. Now that it is affecting their precious money. Now that they are losing their safe little homes and paying for their bad decisions. Money seems the only way to get through to American people. How sad. But I guess that is what drives capitalism. It is the nature of the beast. However, I fear that now it is too late. I hope, no..I pray.. to all the gods.. I am wrong.

You see, I am no longer a rational creature when it comes to politics. But that won't stop me. I will have to blog about it. I will have to take some of my emotion out of the situation and try again to present the facts. One by one.

If that is possible.

But hey, anything is possible right?

back to selling software.. because heck.. everyone needs software right?

where have my eyebrows gone?

2008-09-24T16:15:00.000-07:00

That is the real question here. You see, many years ago I plucked my eyebrows waaayyy to thin. Ever since then, they refuse to grow back. So what I really want to know is where the hell did my eyebrows go?

This blog is in no way shape or form going be cohesive. I don't feel cohesive lately. That isn't a bad thing per say. Merely a fact.

I've had too much going on to really feel cohesive. I am pulled in too many directions at once. I can only focus on what is front of me right now. I know, how lame, I am speaking in abstracts but I feel abstract.

so what has been going on lately? Well for one things, there has been a lot of eating going on. My life has revolved around food. Dinners, lunches, breakfasts, snacks, and whatever other meal you can think of. The only way people seem to be able to socialize as of late is through food. Now I am not complaining, it beats sitting around smoky bars and watching people get drunk and sloppy. However, eating out is not exactly cheap, nor good for a diet.

Also, there has also been a lot of wedding hoopla going on. People are getting married left and right. Now again, I adore weddings ( yes, I have considered being a wedding planner)but come on people, do you all have to do it at the same time? Couldn't we space these out a little further apart? I mean I haven't been to a wedding in years and now I have four alone in the next few months.

let's see, what else has been going on recently? Well, I have reading more than usual. I have a tendency to avoid being very literary. You see, once I commit to a book, if it captures me at all, I become obsessed. I read as much as I can as often as I can. I bring the book everywhere and I read it as often as possible.
Every minute which allows me the opportunity to sneak a page here or there, I take great advantage of. I have even been know to read at stop lights. Usually I can fool myself as well as others into believing that with work and school, there is simply no time to read.

HOWEVER, these days I am surrounded by book pushers. People who casually leave books on my desk to read, even after I told them I was not interested. Damn these book pushers. They have unleashed the reading monster, who had dwelled deep inside me. I have been reading the Twilight series. I am on book four. Someone recently described it as Anne Rice meets Judy Bloom. Needless to say, my house has been neglected for the past week because I've had my nose in a book. You know what the weird thing is? The weird this is that when I start to read again, I start to think in narrative terms. I describe all my thoughts as though I was writing them and some else was going to read them. Does this only happen to me, or it is semi-common.

I wish I could write more, however Neil is waiting for me to watch our first episode of "Dexter". Too many people recommended it, so I succumbed to the pressure and we downloaded season one. We just cleaned up a yummy dinner which I made. Salmon, black beans, yellow rice, and sweet peas. Then Neil and I sang queen songs as he cleaned up and now I am ready to relax. I had a long day of being poked and prodded for my 6th month post chemo check ups. Gosh how I resent being treated like a lab rat. I can barely be pleasant any more. Although it sure beats shooting up those NASTY interferons.

I have more to write but the show is on.

time for dessert.

Why I hate computers

2008-09-22T09:25:00.000-07:00

I wrote a fantastic blog. It was long and detailed. It was descriptive and witty. Then my computer crashed and it was all lost. I hate my server. I hate that I did not save the blog. Ohh well.. Sorry y'all.

As the truth unfolds before me

2008-09-10T11:08:00.000-07:00

So, as I had feared, I have not been updating this blog faithfully. However, I am okay with that because I have adopted a new philosophy in my life. I refuse to put any pressure on myself anymore. Life puts enough pressure on me already; and I don’t need to add anymore on top of it. I don’t need to carry around some unrealistic expectation of myself to be perfect. This counter-acts my search for happiness.

Lately I have been on an intense eastern philosophy kick. And the strange thing is that I have not even consciously sought it out. It has sought me out. And it is coming at me from all aspects. Therefore, I am now in a stage in my life where I am quieting the chaos around me, in order to hear what the cosmos are trying to tell me. Sounds hippy dippy I know. But I feel like it is the next step that I must take, in order to reach self enlightenment.

I have always believed that all of us are born with certain lessons, which we each need to learn in this life in order to move forward. Now there are always challenges placed before us, in order to distract us from these lessons. The ultimate distraction is our ego. I truly believe this. Aside from our ego, there is the question of balance. Balance is a tricky thing to achieve. It is such a delicate thing. These are the two ultimate challenges we all share.

Then we move onto our own personal challenges. We all have our own demons to face. They are hard to realize and even harder to accept, especially when we are so distracted by our ego. Our egos always want us to push the responsibility of conquering these demons (as well as the responsibility of our own happiness) onto others; other people, other things, and other intoxicants. It distracts us with anything it can, in order to keep us from realizing that the ultimately we are in control of our destiny.

The key is to stop pushing the blame. Stop blaming your parents, your classmates, your co-workers, you lovers, your children, your friends and whoever else you make you scapegoat. Once you stop blaming everything else, you have no choice but to face yourself. That is the hardest part, facing your self. It hurts more than you could ever imagine, taking responsibility for your own life. To realize that ultimately you make your own decisions and you control how you let outside influences effect you. But it must been done in order to see clearly.

Once you take responsibility for yourself, you are free to move forward to the next step. The next step consists of several things. It consists of things such as working on your lessons, staying balanced, and striving for true happiness. Now allow me to clarify, happiness is totally different than pleasure. Pleasure is just another trick your ego uses to distract you from the truth.

I could go on and on about this stuff. But for now, I will refrain. However, these are the basics of the truths which I am starting to learn about. I am in the infancy stage when it comes to actually practicing this philosophy. I am still trying to face myself (it is a life long process, you constantly have to re-examine yourself.. it is not a one time shot) as well as work on my personal lessons and achieve balance.

Balance has always been a difficult thing for me, physically and metaphorically speaking. However it is something I have forced myself to focus on more and more recently, and it is something which I will reference in my blog frequently moving forward.

As far as my personal lessons in life, well they too are ever changing. Once I conquer one, another one becomes apparently clear. There is one lesson which requires my immediate attention. This lesson is the lesson of letting go. It is a lesson I have struggled with my whole life, along with patience. A while ago, I identified something in my life, which was not healthy for me. At the time, I tried to separate myself from it; however, instead I made the mistake of hanging onto it. That was a serious mistake. Recently I have released this unhealthy element from my life. And this final act of release reminded me, that all too often I hang onto negativity even after I have identified that it is not constructive towards my happiness. I allow emotional attachments to bond me to things, regardless of whether their effect on me is positive or negative. I need to learn to let go of these things as well the negative feelings they impose on me. I need to let go of any regrets and/or angry feelings they initiate in me. I need to emancipate myself from their adverse effects. I have this power, it is within me. I have recently utilized this power in regards to the aforementioned situation, and I feel fantastic. I have made peace within myself regarding this situation.

Loss is not always a bad thing. Letting go of something is a natural part of life. In the end, we must release everything. If there is a situation that has become toxic for one party or both parties involved, it is okay to walk away from that situation. It is okay to say “I release you, we gave it our best shot and it’s just not meant to be.” And then simply let go. It does not mean that either person failed or that it is anyone to blame. It just means life goes on. Say la vie.

I feel great lately!! I feel like there are good things ahead of me. I feel like I am in a really great place in my life. I feel a certain energy in the air that I haven’t felt in a long time. I feel a new sort of inner peace. I had lunch at the Thai temple Sunday. It was a lovely experience. I lived in the moment the entire time I was there.

Neil and I have a dinner party planned for Saturday, and I extremely excited about it. I have had such a great response to it so far. People have offered me so much help and seem to have such a positive attitude about it. Of course I am not 100% sure how I am going to seat 20-25 people yet, but I am working on it ;)

The only thing really troubling me lately is American (shoot make that world) politics. I am seriously disturbed and bewildered by the state of affairs in this country of ours. I really just don’t understand people. I am really trying to be zen about everything and not judge others, however they make it impossible by trying to impose their views onto my life completely unsolicited. But that is a blog all in it own. And I know I say that a lot, but this time, I mean it !!!!!

Stay tuned for the “Severely Angry Political Rant” blog yet to come! It will be juicy people…

P.S. Tonight is therapy with Dr. Greengrass and then Project Runway… sigh… you gotta love hump days.

Boring details of an extended weekend

2008-09-02T07:32:00.001-07:00

Oh dear Labor Day weekend, how fast you flew by. It seems like just yesterday that I was leaving work, all excited about a three day weekend. And now I am back at work writing this blog, which I have been meaning to write for the past three days. I had such great hopes for you Labor Day weekend. I was positive I was going to get my house cleaned from head to toe. I knew, for a fact, that I was going to get all those little things done that I normally would get done if only I had one extra day during the weekend. However, Labor Day weekend, you came and went and I still have dirty bathrooms, a dirty car and a long to do list sitting in front on me.

Although my Labor Day weekend was not the one I originally planned, it was relaxing and I did accomplish a good amount of things. First and foremost, I finally got my labs results back Friday afternoon and my platelet count was back up!! My nurse practitioner excitedly told me the news and then ended the conversation with the sentence “so go get your nose pierced and have a beer”. Well, she didn’t have to tell me twice. I have wanted to get my nose re-pierced since it accidentally closed up back in February. However, right after it closed, I got dosed with some nasty Chemo, and I have been patiently waiting for my body to recover enough to be able to handle the piercing ever since. So Friday, when my nurse gave me the okay to get it done as a reward for not losing my shit after this platelet scare, I was elated.

Friday night was nothing to write home about. I had hoped to have a lovely evening with friends, but I encountered some negativity earlier in the day, which left a bad taste in my mouth, and made feel like just hanging out with Neil, alone, instead. These days, if something comes with drama, I’d rather pass and do something different. I have so much drama in my life that I can not control (MS, school, work) the last thing I need is drama from the good things in my life like friends or family. So Neil and I went to Shells for dinner Friday night. I was craving seafood. Neil and I talked politics the whole time and then went over my 401K packet from work. It sounds rather lame and boring, but it was actually pretty fun. That is one of the reasons I love my boyfriend so much. He makes even the lame and boring stuff super fun. After dinner I was not feeling good, (per usual on Friday nights) so I went to bed early.

Saturday morning Neil and I woke up feeling good. We hung out around the house for a while and flirted with the idea of going to Bush Gardens until the sun came out in full force. Instead, we ended up going to target, which sucked away a good portion of our afternoon, as well as a good chunk of change. After target we took a short nap and I woke up craving a calzone. So Neil and I drove all the way to Y-Bor in the pouring rain to Tampa bay Brewing Company. After we got to Y-Bor, I realized … this is where my piercing shop is … SCORE!!!! After we had a lovely dinner, we strolled down to Blue Devil and filled out a form for me to get pierced. It was strange because I wasn’t really nervous. The last time I got my nose pierced, I was terrified. I was so scared I could barely walk up the stairs. But since then I have been through so much more (like a tattoo and IVs filled with chemo) that I didn’t even blink at the idea of a piercing. The girl who did it was cute and young. She called me “my lady” the whole time and radiated sweetness. It hurt more than I remembered. And apparently I showed this in my facial expressions (Neil said I looked extremely uncomfortable). But it was over fairly quick and it has been healing nicely. While we were in Y-Bor, I had a fantastic idea for a memorial for my dear departed friend Zack. However, that is a whole blog in itself.

After we got home from Y-Bor, Jenn and Chip called and invited us to the movies. We all wanted to see Pineapple Express, so we made plans for a late movie while Neil and I prepared a little snack chest and met Jenn and Chip in front of the theater. The movie itself was really funny and entertaining. Unfortunately, the theater was having electricity problems, which led to sound problems, so I missed a few funny parts. However, Jenn laughed so hard during the movie that she cried tears. After the movie, Jenn and Chip were anxious to go home and have sex, so we said our goodbyes.

Sunday morning was a rush of activity. I had an early morning breakfast with Sam and then ran to grocery store in order to get some stuff to make macaroni and cheese for Melissa’s Labor Day/ housewarming party. Melissa is my bestest friend in the whole world. We have been best friends since we were eleven years old. By the time I got home I had a short amount of time to get everything together, make the food, get ready and make it on time. I ended up making some really gross macaroni and cheese (never use a recipe which calls for you to put mustard in mac and cheese), but I had bought a delicious carrot cake from Publix as a saving grace. Neil and I rushed and made it to the party right on time. Melissa’s house looked great, she looked beautiful and she had prepared a fantastic spread of food. I was TOTALLY impressed.

One by one all my friends started to show up with their adorable children. It was a really lovely day and everyone was in good spirits. The kids played while the adults started to drink strawberry margaritas. We all explored Melissa’s new pad and caught up on the day to day stuff we don’t really get a chance to talk about anymore. It was really fun and relaxing. I miss my friends so much. Sitting around watching them all interact, I was again impressed with the fact that I was surrounded with the most amazing people. We ended up playing the board game “apples to apples”. Everyone seemed to enjoy it. After a long while the party filtered dwindled down till it was just a handful of us. I agreed to drive back home with Neil so that he could go to his parent’s house for dinner and I took my own car back to Melissa’s house. I was hoping to get to spend some one on one time with her and Ahmi (Melissa’s 2 year old and my ADORABLE godson). When I got back, Melissa and I went swimming. After swimming, we sat on her bed, snuggled Ahmi and chatted a few hours away. Then we went downstairs, ate dinner and cleaned up a bit. Ahmi kept grabbing my hand and making me follow him around the house. He wanted all my attention to himself. He is so friggin CUTE. Finally, the night came to an end and Melissa packed me up with a ton of food and sent me off with hugs and kisses. Again I passed out, exhausted when I got home.

Yesterday was pretty boring. Between feeling like crap and forcing myself to do some chores, I pretty much laid around while Neil coded. The day flew by and before I knew it, it was almost midnight. My ghetto neighbors, who just moved into the house behind us, had a party where they blasted R&B for about seven hours. I could hear everyone talking and having a good time from my bedroom, and for a little while I closed my eyes, swayed along to the music and pretended I was part of the party, Also, I did find a sewing machine on Craig’s list I wanted to buy and watched a retarded movie about the adventures of a female stoner called smiley or something. I also learned that the best place to meditate is in the shower. Great acoustics mixed with the pleasant sensation of flowing water. During said meditations I also had a bunch of realizations about life which will all be posted in another blog. But not in this blog, this is boring catch up blog, where I chronicle the details of my weekend. So that after MS eats away all of my memory, I will have something to tell me the story of my life. Nice morning thoughts for a Monday huh?

Did I mention , I may be bleeding to death?

2008-08-28T09:43:00.000-07:00

Pardon my french, but yesterday sucked ass! I could give you all of the messy details, however, I think reliving it all will only increase my blood pressure unnecessarily.

However, at my lowest moment I was one of those crazy people you see walking away from some sort of service counter yelling and cursing like a maniac. And you think to yourself " calm down, freaking out is not going to make it any better, get a hold of yourself" but yesterday there was no getting a hold of myself. I was furious. My anger lasted several hours and could only be subdued after I self sabotaged by eating a snickers bar and drinking a coke (no it was not a diet coke either.)

I am so tired of having one horrible experience after the next (which completely fucks up my day) because no one can do their damn jobs. Now, I know we are a generation of lazy slackers. I know technology has spoiled our ability for free thought as well as any sort of personal responsibility but seriously people, when your job affects people health, their money, or their education... please try and do it 80% right.

Needless to say I wasted like 3 hours in community college HELL trying to register for classes I guess I am not allowed to register for, simply because I have been accepted to USF. Guess you can't be a student at more than one place at one time. I need some cross student permission. I wish my USF adviser ( who will not meet me in person and only responds to every 5th email) had told me this when she suggested I take my requisites at HCC. Before I emailed all the professors and begged for special permission to get into classes, and brought that special permission to the dean for him to sign off on.

Also, I wish blood drawing nurses, would actually send off my blood on time, after they insist on coming on to my house on a Friday night because they HAVE to get the blood in the mail before Monday. Don't rush me around, send me into a state of panic that my blood is not clotting and I may be internally bleeding and then go party instead of sending off my blood by fed ex. Thanks to you , you lazy nurse, they refused to release my lab results to my doctor which means I have to get my blood drawn for the 3rd time, and take off work sometime after my dentist appt tomorrow morning, in order to get stuck with a giant needle. Sounds like a fun Friday doesn't it. ohh did I mention I MAY BE INTERNALLY BLEEDING??!??! God! FUCK you people.

So yea, yesterday I was not a happy camper. My stress level is high, my health is not doing well. I feel crappy. I am just hoping that this three day weekend coming up gives me some ammunition to keep going. I warned you that my next blog was going to be dramatic.

Would you expect anything less?

P.S Project Runway was my only saving grace last night... that and the .85 cents Iris loaned me to get the snickers bar yesterday. Thanks Iris.

Holla at your girl

warning : post has not been edited. read at your own risk

2008-08-26T14:48:00.001-07:00

This past weekend was an exhausting and emotional weekend. As usual, I scheduled too many things into only two days. I started off on the right foot, however, by carefully planning out each hour. I spent most of my Friday night watching a strange movie by the name of Sleven and painting an owl for my friend's Nikki's 32nd birthday. Now let me try and explain to you my serious love hate relationship with painting. I love the act of painting. I love creating and learning. I love making things for my friends. However, I have no formal training or natural talent for painting. This means I am bound and limited in my abilities to create the vivid and intricate images I foresee as I apply my brushes to the canvas. It is frustrating to say the least. Still for some reason, I insist on giving people personalized paintings for each holiday. Friday night I painted as much as I could before passing out into a coma like state, subconsciously dreading the next day Saturday. Saturday was my CRAZY day. On Saturday I had to run a ton of errands, finish Nikki's present, get ready, drive half way across the state, watch a dance performance, visit friends in Orlando, and finally come back to Tampa and hit up two house parties.

As far as the dance performance, Neil and I had committed ourselves to drive 2.5 hours east with his parents in order to watch a dance performance, that our friend Smurti had choreographed and was presenting. Smurti is Asim's wife. Asim is the Rani's son. Now that leaves the question of who are the Rani's? Well, Neil's parents have been friends with an older couple called the Ranis for like thirty years or so. They are an adorable tiny couple in their late 70's early 80's. During their younger years, Mr. Rani had been a psychology professor and wife Mrs. Rani had been a librarian. They have one son named Asim who is the Indian version of Richard Dryfus. Asim is a doctor who specialized in infectious diseases. I met the Ranis pretty early in my and Neil's relationship. I met them at a time when I felt very discriminated against and persecuted by Neil's parents and the Indian community in general. From the moment I met the Ranis, they were extremely loving and warm to me. They made me feel that there was some value in me as a person during a time when I was feeling worthless and harshly judged. For this, as well as their sincerity, I will always hold a special place in my heart for them. Mr. Rani is a funny little man with wild white hair (almost Einstein like)who talks a lot, mostly in riddles. During every conversation, Mr. Rani takes you on a spiritual carpet ride. He is a wise old man with a kind spirit and a feisty nature. Mrs. Rani is a lovely little angel with violet colored eyes and a contagious smile. She limps and walks with a cane, but her disability is always overshadowed by her warmth which lights up the room when ever she walks into it. She likes to grab my hand while she stares into my eyes and compliments me. Finally there is Asim. Asim is short just like his parents. He is older than me(in his forties) and has pleasant features. Asim is talkative and outgoing similar to is parents. He also has a passion for movies a secret desire to make Hollywood blockbusters. My favorite thing about Asim is his laugh. It is hysterical, almost hyena like.

About a year after Neil and I started dating, the Rani's son Asim met a woman on E-harmony. All I knew about her was that she was a dancer and a math teacher from Brooklyn. I was nervous before I met her. I was positive that she was going to be another cold, uptight and disapproving Indian woman casting the normal " how dare you date our men" stares in my direction. She was the opposite of what I expected. The first thing that struck me about Smurti was how beautiful she was, the next thing that stood out was her warm, genuine, strong, and quirky personality. Smurti and I related to each other right away. She was straight forward and open minded. She was passionate and opinionated. She was overly affectionate with her fiancée as well as her mother in law. She not only got my sarcastic sense of humor, she shot it right back at me with all with a devilish smile and a twinkle in her eye. She portrayed all of these qualities with natural poise and grace that only a dancer with an old soul could accomplish. She was the perfect addition to the Rani family which I had already come to adore.

While Smurti was in Brooklyn, she had formed a dance company called Patel Works, which fuses together traditional Indian dance with modern dance in order to raise money for underprivileged children. When she got married and moved down to Orlando she found a dance company to join and pitched an idea she had about a piece called the Cosmic Dance. Essentially it is story of Vishnu and his spiritual awakening. Saturday was the premier. To add drama to the story, poor Mrs. Rani had fallen a few weeks earlier and broken her hip. Apparently she was in pretty bad shape and unable to get out of bed. Therefore we had scheduled a stop on the way home to visit Mrs. Rani.

I woke up early on Saturday and raced around in order to get things done before we had to meet Neil’s parents at 1:00pm. I ran to the drug store and got a card for Mrs. Rani, I mailed out Melissa’s Bridal shower invites at the post office, I got coffee from Starbucks and picked up a dozen roses to give Smurti after the performance. Then I raced home in order to try and finish Nikki’s painting as well as get ready. I barely finished before we had to head to Neil’s parents house. Upon arriving at his parents’ house, the four of us had to pile into the car for the long 2.5 hour drive in front of us. Of course I get car sick. So I had to request to sit in the front. I knew that Neil’s mother was thinking “Leave it to the evil white woman to be spoiled and high maintenance, and consign us to the back seat”, however she acted graceful enough about it. I have to admit I was not syked about the whole thing. The last thing I wanted to do was spend my Saturday trapped in a long car ride with Neil’s parents. However, other than the hurricane bands of rain we were forced to drive through, the drive itself was pretty chill and went by faster than I expected. Neil even held my hand for bits of the drive, while his mother sat in the back seat watching every single move we made.

By the time we actually got to the little theater the dance performance was at, I was excited. We had to drive through a cute little town to get to it which was filled with little antique shops. The theater itself was a little smaller than expected but tastefully restored and decorated. We were handed a playbill and found seats in the center of the theater. The playbill explained the whole dance and also had a dedication to Mrs. Rani, since she was unable to make the show due to her injury. In the dedication Smurti referred to Mrs. Rani as her “mother in love” instead of mother in law. I have to admit for a second I was jealous. It must be nice to feel that close to your in-laws. A few minutes later Smurti appeared on stage and explained that this was going to be a lifelong work and what we were about to watch was only the rough draft. Then she had an older Indian gentleman come on stage and lead the audience in three Ohms.

Finally the performance started. I wish there were words to describe how much the dance simultaneously moved, thrilled, entertained and excited me all at the same time. But you just have to see it for yourself. The whole time the musicians were on the stage, playing tablas and chanting. They created the most beautiful Indian music for the back drop. There were several dances which all intertwined together to tell one story. There were about seven dancers, altogether. They ranged in age from a sixty year old woman to a nineteen year old girl. All of them were women except for one man, a beautiful bald African American man who played the lead role- Vishnu. The women were all different nationalities and body types. Slim, heavy, tall, short, you name it. The costumes were superb, the lighting was perfect. And the dance, the dance was just amazing. At times it almost brought me to tears. I could not take my eyes from the stage for even a second. The dancers were so enthralled in what they were doing, the dance was so intense that after it ended I felt somehow spiritually awakened, almost enlightened. The audience of course gave a standing ovation. After the show I managed to find Asim and give him the flowers, he seemed overwhelmed as well. Then the four of us ( me Neil, and his parents) crammed back into the car and drove an hour east to the Rani’s house.

One the ride there, I thought about what Smurti had created. She had choreographed the whole performance completely by herself. I couldn’t even begin to imagine how she could put all of those beautiful dances moves together herself. It seems more like magic than anything else.

We finally arrived at the Rani’s. They rent a big, nice house on a lake in the center or Orlando. Mr and Mrs. Rani live there along with Asim , Smurti and Smurti’s two fat cats. Mr. Rani greeted us right away, dressed in white flowing clothes. His hair looked tamer than usual. He was full of smiles. It was good to see him. He led us into the room where Mrs. Rani was resting. She was lying in a giant hospital bed, crumpled on her side. She looked like a wilted flower. It was only upon seeing her that the severity of the situation hit me. I immediately had to hold back tears as I looked at her sweet face. At first, she looked disoriented and confused, however she smiled when she realized who we were and grabbed for our hands as she greeted us hello. She quickly told us the story of how she fell and how extremely painful the whole ordeal had been. She spoke partly in English and partly in Gujarati. I read her the cards we had brought her and settled in by her side. Everyone chatted about the incident and as time went on, Mrs. Rani seemed to perk up with us just being there. Smurti and Asim stopped home to visit for a while before running to an Indian restaurant close by for a post party meal with the rest of the dance cast. A nephew of Mrs. Rani’s dropped by with his pregnant wife, to visit for a while.

Again, I was the minority in a house full of Indians. During all of the madness, Mrs. Rani took my hand and said that while she drifting in and out of consciousness after her surgery, there were several times she woke up calling for me and Neil. This really almost made me cry. I re-assured her, that I had been thinking about her as well and she said she knew that already. She said she could feel when I was thinking about her, because she was thinking about me at the exact same moment. This is why I love Mrs. Rani so much. Even in her darkest hour, she is full of love. After everyone else left, Mr. Rani cornered the four of us into some theological conversation about enlightenment and accidents, with Mrs. Rani giggling in the background the whole time. She always giggles none stop when Mr. Rani gets on a role. Finally it was getting late and we had to say our goodbyes. I left with a heavy sadness in my heart, after seeing Mrs. Rani so hurt and beat down. The ride home was a lot quieter than the ride there.

Near the end of the ride though, Neil’s mother shared with us a story of how one of Mrs. Rani’s nephews had married a white woman. The white woman had really seemed to embrace Indian culture even to the point of becoming a yoga instructor. However, ten years into their marriage, the white woman decided to leave and divorce her Indian husband for no reason what so ever, other than the fact that she did not want to be married. Apparently the Indian man was destroyed, and went into a deep depression for a long time, to the point where he was unable to even work. This gave me an opportunity to ask if Neil’s parents if they were concerned that would happen to Neil. They admitted that it was one of their biggest fears with Neil dating a non-Indian woman. This was a huge breakthrough. Never had they directly addressed to me their issues with Neil dating me. I tried to console them as best as I could. I tried to explain that I would never intentionally hurt their son and that I loved Neil on a higher level than just a boyfriend. I tried to explain that I loved and respected him as a person first and that nothing could change that. I don’t know if it made them feel any better, but at least it opened the doorway to communication.

After we dropped off Neil’s parents, we raced back to our house, changed clothes and ran to Nikki’s birthday party. It was already in full swing when we got there. I found Nikki (full swing in the middle of a heated political debate) and made her open her owl painting as well as an owl necklace I had made for her. She was thrilled. I don’t think I have ever seen her so excited about a gift. She loved the owl painting and hung it up immediately. Most of the party was outside by a little fire Nikki had going. Some boys played horseshoe in the yard while Bauhaus blared in the background. I grabbed a chair and chatted up some friends. Neil stayed in the kitchen, ate some food, drank the beers he had bought and cornered another guy with nerd talk about the new Iphone. I had, of course, worn an extremely revealing dress, which sort of showcased my breasts. A few hours into the party, Neil was wasted drunk.

Now I personally love drunk Neil, as does everyone else. Drunk Neil is outgoing, funny, perverted and drunk Neil loves to dance. At some point in the night, drunken Neil gave my best friend Jenn a lap dance. At around 1:00 am I decided to drag dunk Neil to another party that my friend Becca was having around the corner. When we got to the party it was dwindling down, however drunk Neil and my exposed breasts made quite the impression. One of my other drunk friends name Lisa, decided she was in love with my breasts and refused to keep her hands off of them. Neil decided to document this with his Iphone camera. Neil also decided to hump the wee game in Becca’s living room and embark on other funny/perverted shenanigans. I was informed that Drunk Neil was invited back anytime before we left the party, which was about an hour later. We went back to Nikki’s and hung out for another half an hour before going home at about 3:00am, where as Neil and I both realized that we were getting sick. Yucky!

Sunday was really a day of recovery/ reflection. Between nursing a sore throat (which turned out to be strep) and sleeping, I managed to really get my house in order and reflect on my life. Of course I came to same conclusion I always come to. I concluded that I need more balance in my life. That I need to focus on what is important and always balance those things, so that I never get over whelmed and so that nothing ever gets neglected. I need to balance my physical health, my career, my education, my relationships, my social life, my mental health, and my spirituality. I need to stay focused and calm. I need to learn to go with the flow more. It is always easy to identify this, but much more difficult to put it into practice. Hopefully my therapist will help. I like Dr. Greengrass. His parents were holocaust survivors and his daughter is a rabbi. I have hope in him. I have hope in a lot of things. I have hope in my future. This is why I am not even going to talk about my platelet scare in this blog. Nope. This blog is all about positive revelations and happiness. You will have to wait for the next blog in order to find out about the negative scary stuff. But such is life..

Therapy, PMS and Christina Applegate's hooters

2008-08-20T09:50:00.001-07:00

So, as I feared I have not had any time to blog recently. Nor do I really have much to say. Well actually, I do have a good number of complaints to make. But it is hard to pinpoint if they are real complaints or if PMS has completely consumed all of my rational thought? Speaking of PMS, please allow me to take this opportunity to apologize to anyone who I may have possibly offended or hurt in anyway this past week.

I have my second appt tonight with my new therapist. His name is Dr. Greenhouse. Sometimes I accidentally call him Dr. Greengrass. He never corrects me, which makes me worry. I am not really sure why I am in therapy or what I am hoping to get out of it. I do have a vague notion. I know I have some trauma issues which I have not worked through yet. I also know I have some personal things about myself which I can never seem to get a firm grip on that I would like some help with.

I sort of treat my therapists like I treat many of my potential suitors. I give them a few appointments/dates prove to me that they a) get me and b) that they have something to bring to the table. If they fail to impress me after one or two times. I drop em like a bad habit. This is probably something I should tell my therapist. Maybe he could help me understand my tendency to bail on relationships when they no longer thrill me (other than the fact that my Venus is in Gemini.

This past weekend was pretty tame. I mostly organized my house, sent my mother off to south Florida, ate delicious Indian food, lost at bowling, and picked out some ugly curtains to match the ugly paint color in my office.

Next week is me and Neil's four year anniverary . I just realized this a few days ago. It totally snuck up on me. It feels so surreal to think that we have been together that long. Although some days it feels like we have been together for centuries. But seriously, where has the time went?

Before Neil, I had totally given up on the idea of a happy and functioning relationship. And although we have our problems and our rough days, Neil has taught me a new way to love. A more selfless way. With him, I have learned how to care about someone else's happiness as much as, if not more than, my own happiness. Sometimes that is a painful lesson to learn. So no matter what happens between us in the future, I will always be grateful to Niel for that. For our anniverary I would like us to either go to dinner mystery theater or a twilight dinner cruise around downtown on a cute little yacht. It's so hard to choose. Cheesy entertainment or cheesy romance.

Yesterday at the height of my PMS I crawled into bed after work and started to moan. Neil joined me there. He was very tender with me and held me tight until a sweet calmness started to wash away my hurt. Then he made me laugh and giggle with our normal after work silliness until I had completely forgotten my crappy day and all my unhappiness has disappeared. Now that's a keeper!

I can't believe it is only hump day. This week is ticking by with the slowness of a snail. The pounding headache I've had all day does not help. And I am tired of waking up and not being able to see anything for 20-30 mins.

At least I have an interesting weekend to look forward to. Indian dance, Henry Dean shenanigans, and lots of parties..

On a side note, I was sadly surprised to hear that Christina Applegate had a double mastectomy recently. I read an article about it with quotes from her and I was super inspired by attitude. She admitted she had days when she felt sorry for herself, but she also said you had to be brave with the card your dealt. She is going to re-constructive surgery after her breasts are removed was quoted as saying she is looking forward to the fact that when she's older, she will have the best looking/perkiest breast in the nursing home. That's my girl Christina.

meow!

Help me decide what to be when I grow up please.

2008-08-15T12:57:00.000-07:00

I am one of those people that still have no idea what they want to be when they grow up. I mean, I know what I WANT to be when I grow up. I want to be a rich and famous movie director. Heck, I would settle for making a decent living and directing documentaries. But I am not so sure I want to waste a bunch of money of a film degree.

About five years ago, I decided I had to at least get my ass in some sort of college. So I picked community college. At least in community college, I could bide my time in selecting a major. Well, slowly I worked my way to an AA and graduated from community college (ohh HCC how I miss you). As I entered university, I was forced to pick a major, so I picked what I was best at. I ended up in a communications major of course (please note, communications is very different than mass communications). Well in my first semester of my new degree I discovered two things. One, USF sucks ASS and Two, communications degrees are like psychology degrees but without any hope of ever making any money (not that you make that much money in psychology, but hey SOMETHING is better than NOTHING). Ohh, and I also discovered that most communication majors are assholes.

Since deciding I must pick another major, I have found myself in the same panic as I did my junior year of high school, when I went to the library and checked out every book they had on choosing a career. One of the problems is that everything sounds good. But nothing sounds GREAT. I have flirted with almost anything you can imagine. But none of them make me feel very passionate. If they do make me feel passionate, they come with a laundry list of reasons why they would be a bad decision. No money, hard to break into, too much schooling. There is always something that ruins me committing to a definite path.

Poor Neil, he is so supportive and patient with every new idea I have (which honestly changes weekly) but I think he is as out of answers as I am. Last month, I was sure I was going to be a radiation therapist. However, that requires me to basically not work at all for two years which is just unrealistic. I could do something creative, like interior design or fashion design, but I need something that guarantees medical benefits. I could get into broadcasting, which I would be fantastic at, but can I really live off $25,000 for the rest of my life? And do I really need a degree for it? All answers point to no.

So I have a new idea this week, which I am pretty excited about. I think I am going to get a degree in education and become a teacher. It has always been my fall back option. Mostly because of the “those who can do and those who can’t teach “saying but more so because teachers are so underpaid and under appreciated. But I have weighed the pros and cons and it just seems like the best idea. You make okay money. It isn’t great, but it is livable compared the crap money broadcasters make. You get so many days off. Do you know what I could do with a whole two months off in the summer, two weeks in the winter and a week off in spring break? The benefits rock! The degree won’t cost me an arm or a leg. I can do it in about two years. And finally, I think it may actually be slightly fulfilling.

Who knows, maybe this is just another passing whim, but I am actually making an appt with an adviser of the educational department at USF to see all what it would entail. I am pretty sure I would like to focus on 4th-6th grade. I am super curious of everyone’s feedback on what they think of this idea. So, far I have gotten extremely good responses but the more feedback, the better. My sister Amanda is a teacher. Just think of how proud my mother would be if both of her daughters became teachers. Actually I think she would cry with disappointment. But that is a whole other blog.

Missing pretzels, nerdy hip hop and x-rated fun

2008-08-14T11:21:00.000-07:00

Last night my boyfriend Neil and I went to a hip hop show at the Orpheum. We went because Neil’s friend from "back in the day" was performing. Neil apparently knows this guy from the “old BBS days.” If you weren’t a nerd in the 80’s and 90’s and don’t know what BBSs were, let me try and fill you in. BBSs were old bulletin boards where people posted ideas, created graphics out of old dose symbols and corresponded with each other. Essentially they were the precursors of chat rooms.

Neil’s friend, who I only met as Funky 49, performs “nerd rap”.

Now, I had no idea what to expect by that, so I dressed as “hip hop” as I could after getting home from work, and hoped for the best as Neil and I headed to Y-Bor for the show. For any of you who don’t know what Y-bor is, think commercialized yet smaller French-Quarter New Orleans, if hipsters and yuppies had invaded and ruined it. That is Y-Bor in a nutshell. It was raining out when Neil and I arrived at the show, so I was dropped off in front, while Neil parked the car.

As I had mentioned, the show was being held in a little bar called “The Orpheum”, which is a small hipster bar know for its music venue as well as its notorious “sink or swim” nights. “Sink or Swim” is usually held on a Saturday night. A night of “sink or swim” usually consists of dressing up in your hottest hipster clothes, paying one fixed price (like $8.00) and drinking as many well drinks (or cheap beers) as you can in one night for free. It is always hot as hell (too many people packed in a small place while you dance your ass off) and it always ends with the act of making out with someone you either A) just met or B) will regret tomorrow. The evening usually also ends with some young emo boys -in tight pants- getting into a fist fight with each other, or me puking in front of the club.

Needless to say, I have not been to “Sink or Swim” in like four years but I do have some interesting memories there. In my younger days I befriended most of the staff who worked there. Most of the time, I got in for free and never got carded (I was old enough of course) but it was a way of saying welcome. Last night when I walked into the Orpheum it was like an old flashback. My old friends were all still working their old positions at the door and behind the bar. I was greeted with hugs and got to forgo the whole carding experience. I played chit chat for a while and caught up on everyone’s life.

It was only after I greeted everyone, that I got a chance to survey the crowd. And what a crowd it was! The age group had to range from teenagers all the way to forty year old men. Also, the mix ranged in stereotypes. The majority was your typical southern “ghetto” crowd, along with a bunch of white kid B-Boy wannabees mixed in, a handful of preppy girls all dressed in Forever 21 clothes and finally the “nerdy crowd”. I still had no idea what to expect from the music but the crowd itself could have kept me entertained for hours alone.

Neil’s friend (who was dressed like a raver from 1995, including wide leg pants and 3D viewing glasses) greeted us right away and told us that he wasn’t going on till 8:00pm. That left us almost and hour and half to find some dinner. Thank god. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to face this all on an empty stomach. Neil and I had debated getting some black bean pizza from the bar across the street, but instead decided to grab a bite at Tampa Bay Brewing Company. Tampa Bay Brewing Company is a brewery/restaurant a few blocks down from the Orpheum that has a ton of pesco-ovotarian options. Not to mention, I was DYING for their pretzel appetizer, which I have only recently discovered.

I had barely eaten all day in order to have enough weight watcher points for those delicious treats. Of course when I ordered the pretzels, the waitress informed me that “It was the only thing they were out of" and threw in an airheaded- he he- laugh to boot. I had to stop myself from throwing the menu across the room and screaming at the top of my lungs “FUCK YOU BLONDIE, I have been starving myself ALL DAY LONG for these little fuckers and you have the nerve to be out of them? You have to the count of 10 to find some, cook them to perfection and bring them to me, or else I will really lose it!” But instead I frowned a little and ordered the calamari appetizer. All in all, dinner was pretty good, other than the pretzel debacle. I ate the honey smeared salmon and Neil had a GIANT spinach, mushroom and goat cheese calzone. We also shared some yummy beer. It was almost like a real date ( which are hard to re-create one you live together)

After dinner, we went back to the Orpheum and watched the next act which came on right before Neil’s friend's performance. I personally found the performer(whose name unfortunately, I did not catch, none of the performers really introduced themselves) to be somewhat interesting and painful to watch, all at the same time.

As he performed, I tried to think of how I could describe him and the best that I could come up with was, that he was a preppier, schizophrenic, post apocalyptic Eminem. He looked just like Eminem, except he had a thin blond beard. He sounded a lot like Eminem, except he didn’t flow as smoothly and his lyrics were weaker. His songs were conspiracy theory based and anti –religious. He had one song dedicated to wanting to be a serial killer. As he rapped, he either shifted his weight from side to side in an uncomfortable wild eyed, meth-like swagger or did a weird dance which incorporated choreographed boy band dance moves from the waste down with a mosh pit head banging thing. It was weird. I felt somewhat compelled by his obvious devotion to “his music”, a little embarrassed for him and slightly entertained all the same time. His small crowd of devotees looked like they belonged at a Korn concert. They certainly seemed to adore him. One girl in particular- an extremely thin girl who was sort of pretty in a white trash sort of way- threw her hands up in the air the whole performance and sang along to every lyric ( I assumed she was his pseudo girlfriend, however, that was never verified). I clapped at the end of his performance, partly because he deserved it, and partly because I was glad that it was over.

The next act was Neil’s friend Funky 49. He took the stage with another rapper (who looked older and either Mexican or Hawaiian and burst into a wild performance. I must say they were pretty good. Their beats were a little generic, but they flowed really well and had a rock star energy about them. Funky 49 hopped around the stage while his partner in crime looked tough and stuck his tongue out (Gene Simmons style) for almost every single picture. I didn’t get the whole “nerd” part at first, it wasn't until I realized what they were singing about that it clicked into place. Even though they performed like your average rap group , it was their lyrics which made them "nerdy". One song which was about role playing games was actually pretty good I liked the descriptive lyrics. And the next song went something like this (you’ve got dial up, I’ve got broadband).

The diversified crowd of nerds and preppy Forever 21 girls went pretty wild over the act. The energy was slightly contagious as Funky jumped into the audience and high fived his loyal patrons. I thought they sounded somewhat like Cypress Hill minus the psychedelic flavor, while Neil heard a definite Beastie Boys influence. Half way through their set, my friend and music critic Julie G, showed up. I wasn’t sure how she was going to react to them, but she smiled a lot and shook her ass a little, so I think she enjoyed them. Their act ended abruptly after they ran out of music.

I was ready to go home after their act, but I wanted to spend some time with Julie and Neil was drinking, so I found a spot of the floor and sat down for a while. My back was hurting and my dinner was not digesting properly. I felt like an old person who had forced myself to stay out too late. Everywhere I looked, past memories reminded me of the younger version of myself who had spent so much time at the same bar years ago. In fact, the bartender had looked dumbfounded when I ordered just water. As the next act set up, the crowd changed to a younger “urban” group. I personally enjoyed this because I had spent another portion of my youth going to the most dangerous dirty booty-shaking bars around town. I was convinced for a few years that I was “gansta.” In fact, I was in all girl gang called the BBGs. However, that is a story for a different time.

The white nerdy kids vacated pretty quickly as the younger, more "urban" kids crowded in. The whole atmosphere of the bar seem to change around then . It suddenly seemed to come more alive and had a new pulse of excitement. Julie and I chatted for a while as Neil waited for the street fighter arcade game to become available. He also congratulated Funky 49 on a great show as he relived and relayed his old make-out days at the Orpheum to Mr. Funky(one of Neil’s claims to fame is that fact that he made out with 3 or more girls in once night).

I heard the next act come on shortly before Neil gained access to the arcade game and I suggested that Julie play him, so that I could make my way to the stage and watch the next performance. The next guy was called something “king” and reminded me of a re-incarnated version of Biggie Smalls. I thought that he was really fantastic, in a commercial “gangster” rap sort of way. He did incorporate some “dirty south” beats and styles that you can only hear west of the Mississippi. He also did a shout out to his baby’s momma (a very large and beautiful pregnant white girl with a ton of make up on and clothes that were way too tight for her). She danced the whole time and lovingly starred back at her “Big Papa” enchanted by his music. The crowd dug him as well.

His set seemed way too short and was almost over by the time I made my way back to the arcade game where I had left Julie and Neil to duel. I played one game of Street Fighter (or whatever fighting game it was) and came very close to beating Neil by simultaneously pushing every button I could, and opening a can of whoop-ass on his character. Sadly, I lost to Neil by a hair. After my fighting game ended and Biggie exited the stage, it was clear that it was finally time to go home! I said my goodbyes to Julie and took the keys from Neil. It was just starting to rain as we left the Y-Bor parking lot. Neil was tipsy and charming on the long drive home. I do enjoy him when he’s had more than three beers. That is when his true weirdo side reveals itself.

The rest of the night is x-rated and probably not suitable for persons under the age of twenty one to read, so I will refrain from providing the details. Needless to say it was a memorable night indeed.

Ugly furniture, eastern philosphy and queers

2008-08-13T07:56:00.000-07:00

It’s hump day. One day closer to the weekend. I hate to be so cliché in the regards that I am always living for the weekend, but darn if it isn’t the truth. I count the moments till I have two whole days of freedom to myself. I fantasize about sleeping in and lounging around all day, although that rarely happens.

So this past weekend I helped my mother move all of her stuff into storage. My mother has decided to move back down to south Florida ( whoo hoo, freedom). She has moved back and forth between south Florida and Tampa four times in the past two years. She is not allowed to move anymore. The last timed she moved back to Tampa, she said she moved back to help me when I got diagnosed with MS. It turns out that was lie; she moved back because she had too many memories associated with her recent divorce from my crack head Guatemalan stepfather Juan Carols. He was he her seventh husband. Two moves ago, she had a heart attack on my birthday. So Sunday when I showed up to help her move, I was less than thrilled. And boy, was it a nightmare. My mother decided to micromanage the whole thing and made everyone helping want to pull their hair out. Luckily, I had four tough guys with me who volunteered to help (okay so I paid them). And for the most part, they were pretty patient with her, aside from quietly coming up to me and pleading with me to make her sit down and shut up. Which I tried to do, repeatedly, but alas; I was only greeted with stares of death from her accompanied with demands that we move the same box for the third time.

My mother also gave me two pieces of furniture. Well, first she tried to sell them after I said I wanted them, but when she got no responses from Craig’s list, she generously gave them to me, with a reminder of how much she could have gotten for them had she decided to sell them (just in case she needs to manipulate me with that guilt later in the future.) One piece is a big breakfront that belonged to my grandmother. I have always wanted it. It used to be beautiful. It was bright yellow and very grand, with tiny flowers painted on it. My mother however, ruined it when she got it. She painted in a dark black and had a tacky mirror put in the back. It is now very 90’s modern and ugly. But I still wanted it. She also gave me her dinning room table which is a light wood with four black clothed chairs. Again, it was not really my taste at all, but it was free and I needed a dining room table. Unfortunately, this abundance of new furniture disrupted the whole Zen of my household. I had to get rid of my trusty futon (that in itself is a whole other story) and move everything else around. I painted my office (which I have been meaning to do since I moved in) and took doors of their hinges in order to cram in large pieces of furniture. The whole thing was a large undertaking.

I also managed to pick the scariest most god-awful color in which to paint my office. On the tiny slot of paper in the glaring home depot light, it looked more like a neutral terracotta, but on the wall, it looks like an obnoxious, putrid pink (have I ever mentioned that I hate pink walls?) Aren’t I too old to be picking out bad paint colors? So now I am trying my hardest to do everything I can to distract my eyes from the walls and learn to love my new (over crowded) office. Also, my dining room now looks like my mother. It has very little reflection of me in it. It screams tacky, average, grown up furniture. But don’t you worry your pretty little head, I have plans of course. I want to stencil flowers back onto the breakfront. I want to refinish the wood dining room table another color and maybe recover the chairs with a purple fabric I that bought a while ago. Or even get some new chairs. But meanwhile it feels a little weird and strange when I walk in the front door.

The past few nights I have been rushing home and making small attempts to re-settle my house. I have hung things back on the wall, and moved odd pieces into the shed. Finally, last night I finally got things semi-manageable. Most pieces are in their new and (hopefully) final spots. The tools are all put away. Wall switch covers are back on. Finally, there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Let me tell you, it is so annoying being a Cancer. I am a homebody by heart, always at odds with my social nature. When my house is in chaos, nothing else can be addressed. I don’t answer my phone. I don’t reply to emails. I drop off the face of the earth, not able to return until there is balance restored in the household.

Last night, I broke the aforementioned rule and invited my neighbor from down the street over for a glass of wine. I don’t know her all that well. She lives with Brian. My close friend/ landlord. Her name is Amy. I have always found Amy to be pleasant enough but never really connected anything we had in common until I realized that she loves animals almost in not as much as I do. That sealed the deal. So, Amy came over for some wine (neither of us finished our glass) and we chatted for what turned into three hours. I must say, I really enjoyed myself. I forgot how lovely it is to sit around and have girl talk one and one. I felt like I did in grade school when you made a new friend and invited them over for a slumber party. I found myself sharing my all philosophies in life and rattling on about my studies and beliefs rooted in eastern religion. I quoted the Dali Lama and my views on re-incarnation. I did her astrological chart, which was dead on (Ms Capricorn sun, Pisces moon and Virgo rising). I was tempted to read her tarot cards but decided I was not ready to know that much about her just yet.

Aside from more girl time I also realized that I need some more gay men in my life. I have known this for some time, but no fabulous new gay men have wondered by my path recently (well other than cute, young Kyle…my film class partner in crime) I have always been a flame dame (or fag hag if you wish). I mean, I am not the type to fall in love with gay men or anything self destructive like that, I just sincerely enjoy their company. Maybe it stems from the majority amount of gay men in my family who influenced me growing up. In my twenties I had tons of gay men in my life, but over the years they have all died or moved away. And now I find a large hole in my life where their presence used to be. I still have a handful of amazing gay friends of course. But alas, our lives always lead us in different directions. So here I am advertising my need for some new gay friends. If you know any good ones, please send them in my direction. I might even be willing to pay a small finders fee..

P.S I am pretty sure I won yesterday's blitz contest for my division. Ahhhh yeahhhhh!

Blitzing, fashion and pet ownership complaints

2008-08-12T07:10:00.000-07:00

It’s blitz day at work. I am not thrilled. In case you need clarification, blitz day is a day when the whole company contacts as many customers as possible and competes to see who can make the most contacts. The winner gets $200.00. I have won blitz day the past two months. The reason I have won is because I pound the phones from the moment I get in, till the moment I leave. Then I get home and fall into bed. It leaves me drained and exhausted. Today I have little to no motivation to blitz, other than the $200.00 prize of course.

So instead of pounding the phones I am updating this blog, which I already seem to be addicted to. Kudos to me. Now that I have this darn blog, I am afraid I will also need a new camera. I want to incorporate one or two pictures (or maybe 20) into my entries so that you, as the reader, have at least a small visual. I think visuals are important. My camera broke about a month ago. The problem is, I want a fancy camera and fancy cameras are expensive. I want one with zoom and fancy lenses. I want to feel professional and arty as I set up my shot and capture the perfect photograph. Needless to say if I want a fancy camera, I should stop writing and start blitzing.

I would have updated this blog last night; however I was too busy breaking my weight watchers diet for the day by stuffing my face with lasagna and slow church mint chocolate chip ice cream. Which, I followed promptly by lying in bed and watching the last two episodes of Californication. I think I was rewarding myself for actually sticking to the diet the week before and losing 2.5 lbs. I know it makes no sense. To work that hard to lose a few pounds and then celebrate by trying to gain in back in one night. Apparently, all of the woman who will read this blog can relate, because my slim co-worker informed me yesterday that “everyone in the world has tried weight watchers at least once, because who doesn’t want to lose a few lbs.” She was also the one who then tried to wrestle the snickers bar out of my hand after I sneaked it out of the vending machine (thanks for trying Iris). Oppps did I forget to mention that snickers bar? Anyway I am back on the weight watchers train today and I have only consumed three points as of yet (I get a whole 21 points a day)

Now for those of you who don’t know me, I have been battling a stubborn twenty pounds for the last couple years. Before that I was at least eighty pounds overweight, but I stopped eating meat and adopted a healthier lifestyle and bam… sixty pounds melted right off. However, I have a lingering twenty pounds that refuses to leave. Now as far as the way I physically look, I am okay with the twenty extra pounds. The nice thing about entering my thirties is that I am actually starting to accept and like myself along with my body. I don’t mind the extra weight around the middle as much or the little flab here or there. Although I have noticed something called “saddlebags” forming, which I have never noticed before (yikes). But at the end of the night when I look in the mirror, I smile back at what I see.

So why am I on weight watchers? Well, aside from the obvious health reason, the real reason I yearn to be twenty pounds lighter is…(drum roll please)….. Fashion! That’s right it all comes down to fashion, plain, simple and probably a little shallow. But hey, I promised brutal honesty right? I want to actually go into a store, see a dress I like in a size 8 or even 6, try it on, have it fit like a glove and buy it. I am tired of looking through the rack of clothes praying for a size 12. I WANT MORE FASHION OPTIONS DAMNIT!!!! So there it is… the truth. Needless to say I will complain about my points and weight watchers quite a bit in this blog.

However, please don’t fret for I will also complain about a plethora (ß yeah, I use that word a lot) of other things which are a lot more important, and probably a lot more interesting. But not today, today is all about blitzing, fashion and my desperation to stay with in my allotted weight watcher points. Wish me luck.

Ohh and for the love of Pete, please spay and neuter your pets. I am tired of seeing beautiful dead dogs and cats on the side of the road. And please stop abandoning them just because you’re selfish and they no longer meet your lifestyle needs. When you adopt an animal, remember that you are agreeing to take care of it for the rest of its life. I have yet another animal I am trying to help find a home for. People never cease to amaze me.

Okay, back to blitzing.

Why start a blog?

2008-08-11T11:38:00.000-07:00

Humm, that is the question isn't it? Maybe I just want to be cool like everyone else. That way when I meet someone new and I want to impress them , I can say "check out my blog" and throw out a URL. Or maybe I just need a place to vent all my crazy , annoying little thoughts other than myspace (especially since most of my friends including my boyfriend never read my full blogs) and I figure if I have my own personal blog space I can post whatever I want without any censorship.

Maybe I have delusions of grandeur and I think that people everywhere are dying to read my insightful and sarcastic observations on life and I think a blog of my own will propel me into stardom. Or maybe I need something to do other than reading the gossip page or trolling on myspace to pass the long hours at my boring desk job. ( just kidding co-workers).

Choose whichever reason appeals to you most. I like to make my readers happy or at least semi comfortable. But let's move forward.

So now that I have this fancy blog whatever will I do with it? Complain? Rant? Rave?
I guess I am not really sure. I'd like to make all sorts of promises about making my blog interesting and fun to read, but all that stuff is so subjective. I guess the only promise I can make is that my blog will be an honest reflection of all that I encompass. The good , the bad and the ugly. It will be a mixture of pessimisms and optimisms , as well as a plethora of self depicting antidotes.

Now on to the next topic
How did I choose my blog name?
Well it was a tricky process. If you don't already know, I have Multiple Sclerosis which (at this point in time) affects mainly my vision . Essentially I am loosing it ( my vision that is, well bits and pieces of my mind as well, but I digress) and so I wanted to encompass blindness into the name of the blog. Then I remembered about a condition I had read about where people tend to loose their sight during moments of severe agitation. Well it all sort of fell into place after that. I mean after all I am hysterical - in the sense that I am quite funny as well as possibly insane.
So there you have it.

And finally maybe I should introduce myself in case any of you wander across this blog and don't really know me ( delusions of grandeur again).

I am 31 years old.
I was diagnosed with MS 2.5 years ago and am I in a phase III trial for a chemotherapy type drug called Campath.
My sun is in Cancer with a Leo moon and an Aquarius rising ( yes I believe in that stuff)
I am a considered a left wing , tree hugging, non meat eating hippy freak by most of my co-workers. ( I am a bit left wing and will openly discuss politics, I do only eat fish and eggs - no meat, I have hugged a tree before and sometimes I wear flowing skirts- however I find that label unfitting)
I live my my first generation Indian boyfriend( a computer programmer) which has caused a great scandal in the Indian community to which his mother still has hope that her baby boy will escape the white devil and find a "nice Indian girl"
I was raised by my beautiful and crazy Italian single mother ( my father died before I was born) who pretty much left me to raise myself (which I think I did a pretty good job of doing if I do say so myself). She drives me crazy and is a constant source of my rants. I have two half sisters, one I am whom I am close to the other one whom I did not know about till I was 22 years old.
I was once married to a clown. He was not a clown when we met and his becoming a clown was a large source of why we divorced. ( I have never liked clowns) His clown name was Sparkles. To this day clowns are a sore subject with me.
Although I have dreams of being a film director, I pay the bills by selling engineering software instead. Which means I talk to cooky engineers all day , who generally end up stalking me and sending me weird emails. They are not a source of my rants but do provide some much needed humor throughout my boring day. However, if anyone out there is on the lookout for a brilliant director, please hire me and pay me lot's of money.
I have always been a square peg in a world of round holes.

Well ,that covers the very basics. I hope this blog doesn't become like all of my other one hit wonder hobbies and I actually use and update it. I also hope that you don't mind misspellings , grammatical errors and typos, as I tend to make a lot of mistakes that I am usually too lazy to correct.

Let the games begin.